Recently, when talking about why God allowed pain in our lives, someone said to me that life was like a game of chess between God and satan. A game that God ALWAYS is one step ahead, and ALWAYS wins, but satan tries none the less to out maneuver God every turn. At first, that analogy made sense to me. I was ok with it. And then.....
I thought about it more and more (because the devil was poking me, and I know this NOW, but I didn't then) It started to eat at me. The idea that I was just a pawn in someone's cruel game. One makes a move to the right, and the other makes a move in the other direction. Then He counters with another good move, and he counters with a backwards move. Those of you who know me, know that I am very independent, and the idea of being a pawn did not sit well with me at all. So I was struggling with it, no doubt about it. I mean I know in my head that every move God made with my life was done with the greatest good for me in mind, and I knew that in the end He would win. But why would He allow me to be pushed in a different direction that He had intended? Why would He let someone else have any say? Why would He sit back and watch as satan manipulated me? It really upset me.
But then here's what I realized, God has the path for me already determined, already set out in front of me, already destined. But I keep allowing satan to lure me off the path. I let LIFE get in my way....studying, kids acting up, business, frustration, sickness, sadness, being too busy, being overwhelmed....you name it, it distracts me. And oh boy does satan knows my hot buttons (better than I do even). He sees how easy it is to whisper one of those little things in my ear, very quietly, so that I CHOOSE to lean his way, and IGNORE the path God has laid before me. Every time I let the devil distract me off course...it's not an evil game of chess between enemies, but in a loving way, God gently guides me back on HIS track.
Satan talks, walks, sounds, looks like an angel....so it's very easy to be misguided by him. HE KNOWS THAT, AND USES IT TO HIS ADVANTAGE! So why don't I recognize his tactics from a mile away? They don't change...you know why? Because they work every stinkin' time! Why would he change? What has to change? The fact that I LET him get to me. I let him convince me that I'm not enough, or I'm not worthy, or not deserving, or not able, or too old, or too WHATEVER....all he has to do is whisper in my ear, and I listen. God is sitting there screaming my name, asking me to come the other direction, and all satan does is whisper and I take off on a path that is made solely to steal, kill, and destroy.
Last night in a very intense time of prayer with friends, my chest started to ache during prayer. I mean seriously hurting, to the point of scaring me. And the picture I got in my head of what was going on was crystal clear. (If you watch Once Upon a Time, you will understand this picture) I saw satan with his hand inside my chest, his hand gripped around my heart, and he was desperately trying to pull it out of my chest. He very easily got his hand in (because I let him through the whispers!) I gave him the right to lay claim to a part of who I am by listening to his junk. But every time he tried to jerk his hand back out of my chest with my heart in his hand, it wouldn't come out. And it hurt! (in that TV show, if someone rips out your heart they control what you do and say, and if they crush it... you die) I kept feeling him tugging violently over and over. I couldn't figure out why it hurt so bad. And as clear as a bell I heard God tell me that every time I felt that pain, it wasn't just satan tugging outwards....it was God pushing it back in. I let satan in, but God is always there, continuing to push him back out. I'm not a pawn, but a beloved daughter of the Most High God.
Even after the prayer was over, and I calmed down, I asked God why does it always have to hurt, why does it have to be pain? And He said to me, if the pain wasn't there, you wouldn't know there was a battle going on at all.
Saturday, May 24, 2014
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Prompting for the Holy Ghost or a lie from satan???
So today's blog is Dean's suggestion, I was struggling with something and he said that I think clearer and see the truth better when I write, so here it goes.....warning up front, this may be a long one.
I have been wrestling lately with wondering what my ex husband is up to and where he is. I received a phone call last week from a man that we knew about 8 years ago when we lived in SC. The man was a co-worker and friend of my ex's. But to my knowledge, not someone that he stayed in regular contact with after we moved to NC. (to be fair, there were a lot of things my ex did while living here with me that I didn't know about) He called and I saw the number pop up on caller id, I waited expecting him to leave a message....but nothing. It ate at me all day. Maybe he was just calling looking to catch up with John, maybe he was calling to warn me about something, maybe he was calling to let me know something was wrong with John. I couldn't handle the not knowing. So against Dean's preference, I called the number back. The man said that he had been looking for our number for a while, just wanted to catch up with John, said he finally found the number online and decided to call it. I gave him a short version of the history. He said he was sorry to hear that, something he wouldn't have expected from John, asked if the girls were doing ok, and said if I did hear from John again to let him know he was looking for him. On paper it seemed innocent enough, but it just didn't sit right with my spirit. It stirred up concerns and worries that I hadn't felt in a while. Dean completely disagreed with me. Said that I was allowing the devil to poke at me, that I had no reason to fear because God was in control of the situation and I was safe. It upset me because Dean didn't know John, didn't know what it was like here, didn't see the fear. So it's "easier" for him to say to just drop it. I was still feeling uneasy about the whole thing. Dean told me that God was in control, and had the situation in His hands. But my thoughts were that John isn't a believer, has free will, doesn't follow God's commands....so how does that work??
I was trying to not think about it, not let it bother me....but I caught myself changing my daily habits. Getting the tazer out of the drawer and charging it up, locking the front door all the time, watching the girls closer if they are outside in the yard playing, reminding them if he ever showed up not to go with him. I didn't feel like I was living in fear, but being prepared just in case. It reminded me of that old saying that God only helps those that help themselves....well that's what I felt, I didn't feel like I could just sit back and wait for God to handle it. I needed to do what I could to be aware and prepared, but not scared. That made sense to me.
Well, fast forward about a week or so to today....I had sort of quit thinking about it and out of no where while I was driving, it popped into my head to call 2 places. First to call the place where John and the above friend worked, and ask if John worked there again. John always said he wanted to go back and work there again. My concern was that if the guy was calling here, it wasn't to catch up with John, if was FOR John, to see if we still lived here since it was a call to the landline. The second place I wanted to call was the state child support enforcement office, to see if they had any leads on him. At least when they were taking child support from his check, I knew where he was. For over a year and a half now, they can't track him down by his social security number. I mentioned it to Dean, and he immediately rebuked me for listening to the devil's lies. Said to let it go and focus on our family and our future, not the past. I told him I WAS thinking about our family, about keeping the girls and myself safe. He said "You ARE safe. In God's hands and protection. You are to pray for the protection of our family. Not to worry if, and I say IF he ever shows up. That's not your call. God has it under control...HIS control. You need to stop worrying about it. All it does is drive you to a place of fear that God has called you out of. Hear Jesus' voice my love. You aren't given a spirit of fear." Then he suggested that I re-read Psalm 91.
I haven't yet...I wanted to wait until after I wrote the "back story" so it didn't alter my feelings until they were written down. I still don't feel like this is fear. I feel like I am supposed to be ready for the battle as best I can, then God can fill in where I can't. So my question is how do I know if this random thought today was a prompting from the Holy Spirit to get ready....or a lie straight from the pit of hell just to distract and scare me? How do I know?
So I just read Psalm 91, and balled like a baby!! There are some things there that I want to claim, but I'll get to that in a minute. Here's the big thing...TRUST. Verse 2 says "This I declare about the Lord:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him." Do I really know what trust is? Lots of people in my life have let me down, people I trusted with my heart. Do I fully trust God? Do I even know how to trust Him completely? Because I trusted God before, and He allowed me and my girls to be hurt. So what keeps that from happening again? So why shouldn't I do everything I can to be prepared? How do I trust Him completely? Why should I trust Him to just handle it?
I have been wrestling lately with wondering what my ex husband is up to and where he is. I received a phone call last week from a man that we knew about 8 years ago when we lived in SC. The man was a co-worker and friend of my ex's. But to my knowledge, not someone that he stayed in regular contact with after we moved to NC. (to be fair, there were a lot of things my ex did while living here with me that I didn't know about) He called and I saw the number pop up on caller id, I waited expecting him to leave a message....but nothing. It ate at me all day. Maybe he was just calling looking to catch up with John, maybe he was calling to warn me about something, maybe he was calling to let me know something was wrong with John. I couldn't handle the not knowing. So against Dean's preference, I called the number back. The man said that he had been looking for our number for a while, just wanted to catch up with John, said he finally found the number online and decided to call it. I gave him a short version of the history. He said he was sorry to hear that, something he wouldn't have expected from John, asked if the girls were doing ok, and said if I did hear from John again to let him know he was looking for him. On paper it seemed innocent enough, but it just didn't sit right with my spirit. It stirred up concerns and worries that I hadn't felt in a while. Dean completely disagreed with me. Said that I was allowing the devil to poke at me, that I had no reason to fear because God was in control of the situation and I was safe. It upset me because Dean didn't know John, didn't know what it was like here, didn't see the fear. So it's "easier" for him to say to just drop it. I was still feeling uneasy about the whole thing. Dean told me that God was in control, and had the situation in His hands. But my thoughts were that John isn't a believer, has free will, doesn't follow God's commands....so how does that work??
I was trying to not think about it, not let it bother me....but I caught myself changing my daily habits. Getting the tazer out of the drawer and charging it up, locking the front door all the time, watching the girls closer if they are outside in the yard playing, reminding them if he ever showed up not to go with him. I didn't feel like I was living in fear, but being prepared just in case. It reminded me of that old saying that God only helps those that help themselves....well that's what I felt, I didn't feel like I could just sit back and wait for God to handle it. I needed to do what I could to be aware and prepared, but not scared. That made sense to me.
Well, fast forward about a week or so to today....I had sort of quit thinking about it and out of no where while I was driving, it popped into my head to call 2 places. First to call the place where John and the above friend worked, and ask if John worked there again. John always said he wanted to go back and work there again. My concern was that if the guy was calling here, it wasn't to catch up with John, if was FOR John, to see if we still lived here since it was a call to the landline. The second place I wanted to call was the state child support enforcement office, to see if they had any leads on him. At least when they were taking child support from his check, I knew where he was. For over a year and a half now, they can't track him down by his social security number. I mentioned it to Dean, and he immediately rebuked me for listening to the devil's lies. Said to let it go and focus on our family and our future, not the past. I told him I WAS thinking about our family, about keeping the girls and myself safe. He said "You ARE safe. In God's hands and protection. You are to pray for the protection of our family. Not to worry if, and I say IF he ever shows up. That's not your call. God has it under control...HIS control. You need to stop worrying about it. All it does is drive you to a place of fear that God has called you out of. Hear Jesus' voice my love. You aren't given a spirit of fear." Then he suggested that I re-read Psalm 91.
I haven't yet...I wanted to wait until after I wrote the "back story" so it didn't alter my feelings until they were written down. I still don't feel like this is fear. I feel like I am supposed to be ready for the battle as best I can, then God can fill in where I can't. So my question is how do I know if this random thought today was a prompting from the Holy Spirit to get ready....or a lie straight from the pit of hell just to distract and scare me? How do I know?
So I just read Psalm 91, and balled like a baby!! There are some things there that I want to claim, but I'll get to that in a minute. Here's the big thing...TRUST. Verse 2 says "This I declare about the Lord:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him." Do I really know what trust is? Lots of people in my life have let me down, people I trusted with my heart. Do I fully trust God? Do I even know how to trust Him completely? Because I trusted God before, and He allowed me and my girls to be hurt. So what keeps that from happening again? So why shouldn't I do everything I can to be prepared? How do I trust Him completely? Why should I trust Him to just handle it?
Here's an example...I believe God will provide for believers. He makes money come from nowhere sometimes. BUT, I don't think He would if I was blowing all my bill money on shoes every week instead of buying groceries. To me the same thing applies here. I can't just sit around oblivious with my head in the sand, and expect God to just handle it...can I? What's the difference?
I do trust God....but I also trust in the abilities and discernment I have, because it was given to me FROM HIM! How can that be wrong?? I am honestly asking for answers, if anyone reading this has a different perspective please message me, here or privately. But here's a disclaimer, I will try with everything in me to read it and truly HEAR it. I have a hard time sometimes hearing someone else's thoughts on my situation because in my mind they haven't been in my shoes, so it's not fair to say how easy it is to see it differently. So I promise to hear it with love and understanding, if you promise to offer it with love and understanding.
So with my current understanding and trust in God, I declare.....
He will rescue me from every trap. (verse 3)
His faithful promises are my armor. (verse 4)
I will not dread anything, day or night. (verse 6)
These evils will not touch me or my children. (verse 7)
No evil will conquer me. (verse 10)
No plague will come near my house. (verse 10)
Angels will protect us anywhere we go. (verse 11)
He will rescue and protect us. (verse 14)
verse 15 says He will be with me in trouble....but why can't we just avoid trouble all together? I know He never promised us a life without issues or problems, I get that. But if I see trouble coming, why can't I walk a big circle around it to avoid it? Why can't my eyes be open enough and my spirit be aware enough to avoid some of the issues? Do I just sit back, not think about it, and wait for God to handle it for me?
I believe You will do all these things just as you said, I really do. But right now, God I ask you to show me what You want me to do? I want to trust You more. I want to believe that there is nothing to worry about. Show me....please.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)