Someone speaking at church today said we all need help if we are going to finish our race. That idea got me to thinking about my own story and how hard it was for me to admit I needed help, then to be able to actually accept it...
I had learned to do things on my own, to be self sufficient, to not tell anyone what was really going on. I didn't want anyone to know I was hurting and broken, so there was no way I was asking for help. I put on a smiling face every day at work, and every Sunday at church so that no one had any idea what was really going on. I truly thought I didn't need any help. I had it all under control. Then my world feel apart, my "warts" were exposed. My family and my friends knew what I had been hiding for years. At first, everyone offered to help. They offered to babysit, or offered to chat, or offered to help at the house, or offered a meal....but then eventually everyone else went back to their regular lives, and I was left on my own again.
I had to figure out how to keep going, and without any help really. I had a very rigid schedule, so that we got everything done. I had a plan. Things were in a specific order, so that I could keep my life in check. At this point no one even asked if they could help anymore. They were either afraid that I would say yes....or they were not sure how to even talk to me anymore. I was broken, and no one knew how to help. I didn't even consider asking for help anymore. Everyone had an opinion about how I should do things, and wasn't afraid to voice that opinion....but no one wanted to step up and truly help.
The girls and I had a system. I'll say I dated and talked to guys, but I never really let them close to me. I kept them at arms length too. I had been hurt too much. I wasn't going to allow that to happen again. I didn't need anyone. And then....life changed. I met Dean, and he wasn't going to let me do it alone. Honestly, it's still something we struggle with daily. My asking for help, and then allowing him to actually help and in his own way. I didn't like feeling vulnerable enough to need help. I was strong willed, and hard headed. Still am most days. Some days in fact he has to make me let him help me. It's true!
The time that finally broke me was when I had to have back surgery last summer. I had no choice but to let him help me. I was out of work for 6 weeks, and was completely down for at least 2 weeks. I had to rely on Dean to help me with even the littlest things. I had to slow down, put my pride aside, and ask for help even if I didn't want to.
But here's the key part....help is two sided. First, you have to be willing to ask for help. And then, you have to freely give it when asked. This goes back to my point of a true church family. I should trust my church family enough to ask them if there is something I need help with. But at the same time, my church family should know me well enough to see when I need help even if I don't ask. Then be ready to help at the drop of a hat. Again, THAT is truly sharing the love of Christ, lending a helping hand any time it's needed.
Proverbs 3:27-28(NLT) "Do not withhold good from those who deserve it when it's in your power to help them. If you can help your neighbor now, don't say, "Come back tomorrow, and then I'll help you.""
Proverbs 17:17(NLT) "A friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in a time of need."
Ephesians 4:16 (NLT) "He makes the whole body fit together perfectly. As each part does its own special work, it helps the other parts grow, so that the whole body is healthy and growing and full of love."
Sunday, July 6, 2014
Saturday, July 5, 2014
I don't want to be unproductive
There was one verse that just jumped off the page to me today in Titus 3. Take a look with me at verse 14...
"Our people must learn to do good by meeting the urgent needs of others; then they will not be unproductive." (NLT)
If I'm not doing something that will benefit someone else, then according to this verse I am then not being productive. So when we sit around on our behinds at church, being comfortable, singing the same old songs, and staying with just us four and no more...we're not being all we are called to be.
So many people run to the government for help when they are in need...THAT'S WHAT THE CHURCH SHOULD BE FOR!!! Being the church is not about a service on Sunday morning, it's about DOING something for the kingdom the rest of the week. There are so many options, how can we not find one thing that we can do for our community.
Volunteer at a local food pantry.
Do a donation drive for a local non profit.
Give an offering to a charity.
Be a mentor.
Volunteer at a school.
Help clean up a neighbor's yard.
Cook a meal for a family in need.
Just get involved. Be a resource. Be available. Don't be too busy to be helpful.
NIV version says all should "devote themselves to doing what is good"....and what is better than showing other people the love of Christ?? In the end that's what it's all about...not a meal, or a roll of toilet paper, an hour of your time, or an afternoon of counseling....it's just about loving on His children.
"Our people must learn to do good by meeting the urgent needs of others; then they will not be unproductive." (NLT)
If I'm not doing something that will benefit someone else, then according to this verse I am then not being productive. So when we sit around on our behinds at church, being comfortable, singing the same old songs, and staying with just us four and no more...we're not being all we are called to be.
So many people run to the government for help when they are in need...THAT'S WHAT THE CHURCH SHOULD BE FOR!!! Being the church is not about a service on Sunday morning, it's about DOING something for the kingdom the rest of the week. There are so many options, how can we not find one thing that we can do for our community.
Volunteer at a local food pantry.
Do a donation drive for a local non profit.
Give an offering to a charity.
Be a mentor.
Volunteer at a school.
Help clean up a neighbor's yard.
Cook a meal for a family in need.
Just get involved. Be a resource. Be available. Don't be too busy to be helpful.
NIV version says all should "devote themselves to doing what is good"....and what is better than showing other people the love of Christ?? In the end that's what it's all about...not a meal, or a roll of toilet paper, an hour of your time, or an afternoon of counseling....it's just about loving on His children.
Thursday, July 3, 2014
2nd dose of Titus
In today's society, there are lots of traits that are now considered old fashioned, or not even necessary. But I believe there is no such thing. Common courtesy and respect is no longer a requirement in many households. Kids act as if they are entitled to everything the world has to offer. Which is partially ok, they should believe that they can have or do anything they want in this world....but there's a big IF at the end of that statement....IF they are willing to work for it, and IF they are willing to live by God's ways. You can't just do whatever you want, and act however you want, and then get everything you feel like you deserve. It just doesn't work that way. "What goes around comes around" are "you get what you give" and "you catch more flies with honey than vinegar" have all been around forever, but in my mind still ring true today.
In Titus 2, Paul mentions many of these traits that seem to go more and more by the wayside every day. Let's take a look at a few that really jumped off the page to me....
Verse 2 talks about 2 that are HUGE in my opinion....self-control and being worthy of respect. Real zingers, right?! If more people acted with self control in today's world, what a different place it would be. I try to instill in our girls the idea that they shouldn't need me to always say "that's not a good idea". At a certain point they should be able to say, I beat this is a bad idea, maybe I shouldn't do that. And they are starting to understand that. They're not prefect, they make mistakes and need reminding, but they are learning. It amazes me how many adults can't say the same. Having self control could literally change the world. Knowing their own hot buttons and then realizing how to avoid them could greatly affect someone's life. Don't you think? Exercising self control is not in the normal human nature though. It has to be a conscious choice that we make every day. Deserving respect sort of goes hand in hand with that, doesn't it? A friend of mine used to always tell their kids "act like you are somebody". If you want respect, act like you are the type of person who deserves it. Bottom line is be someone who gives respect to be worthy of respect. Are you always going to get it back in return from the person you gave it to? Nope, but so what, doesn't matter, you should still give it. Act like you deserve the respect you desire by showing it to everyone you come in contact with.
Paul then talks about how the older woman should take younger women under their wings. To teach them how to live a life that is worthy and honors God. To show them how to love their husbands and their children in the right way. How to take care of their homes, and their families, and to not bring shame on the word of God. Does this happen today? I don't think it does. Everyone is so "busy", we always seem to miss out on what I believe should be a huge part of our churches today. We use the term "church family" very freely, but do we really live that way? Church should be a place where we can all learn from each other, and not just on Sunday, and not just about church stuff. People know how to behave in church....they need to know what to do the rest of the week! When you get home and the kids start acting like they have lost their minds, that's when you need to know how to act, how to still be a Christian mother and wife. You need someone to show you how to be able to still be salt and light in your household when you feel like the walls are caving in and everyone in your house has gone completely bonkers! Church is about every day relationships, not just corporate worship on Sunday morning. So many women are longing for someone to just come along side of them, to stand in the gap with them, to support them, to show them the way. If we are going to say this is our church family, then we have to start acting like we truly mean it. Verse 7 says it very clearly, "be an example to them by doing good works of EVERY kind".
Look at part of verse 12 & 13 with me, "We should live in this evil world with wisdom, righteousness, and devotion to God, while we look foward with hope to that wonderful day when the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, will be revealed." (NLT) If I choose to live with wisdom (knowing better) and righteousness (doing what's right) and devotion to God (being worthy of His Word), how many others could I reach for Christ with my example? By just being who I am called to be?
In Titus 2, Paul mentions many of these traits that seem to go more and more by the wayside every day. Let's take a look at a few that really jumped off the page to me....
Verse 2 talks about 2 that are HUGE in my opinion....self-control and being worthy of respect. Real zingers, right?! If more people acted with self control in today's world, what a different place it would be. I try to instill in our girls the idea that they shouldn't need me to always say "that's not a good idea". At a certain point they should be able to say, I beat this is a bad idea, maybe I shouldn't do that. And they are starting to understand that. They're not prefect, they make mistakes and need reminding, but they are learning. It amazes me how many adults can't say the same. Having self control could literally change the world. Knowing their own hot buttons and then realizing how to avoid them could greatly affect someone's life. Don't you think? Exercising self control is not in the normal human nature though. It has to be a conscious choice that we make every day. Deserving respect sort of goes hand in hand with that, doesn't it? A friend of mine used to always tell their kids "act like you are somebody". If you want respect, act like you are the type of person who deserves it. Bottom line is be someone who gives respect to be worthy of respect. Are you always going to get it back in return from the person you gave it to? Nope, but so what, doesn't matter, you should still give it. Act like you deserve the respect you desire by showing it to everyone you come in contact with.
Paul then talks about how the older woman should take younger women under their wings. To teach them how to live a life that is worthy and honors God. To show them how to love their husbands and their children in the right way. How to take care of their homes, and their families, and to not bring shame on the word of God. Does this happen today? I don't think it does. Everyone is so "busy", we always seem to miss out on what I believe should be a huge part of our churches today. We use the term "church family" very freely, but do we really live that way? Church should be a place where we can all learn from each other, and not just on Sunday, and not just about church stuff. People know how to behave in church....they need to know what to do the rest of the week! When you get home and the kids start acting like they have lost their minds, that's when you need to know how to act, how to still be a Christian mother and wife. You need someone to show you how to be able to still be salt and light in your household when you feel like the walls are caving in and everyone in your house has gone completely bonkers! Church is about every day relationships, not just corporate worship on Sunday morning. So many women are longing for someone to just come along side of them, to stand in the gap with them, to support them, to show them the way. If we are going to say this is our church family, then we have to start acting like we truly mean it. Verse 7 says it very clearly, "be an example to them by doing good works of EVERY kind".
Look at part of verse 12 & 13 with me, "We should live in this evil world with wisdom, righteousness, and devotion to God, while we look foward with hope to that wonderful day when the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, will be revealed." (NLT) If I choose to live with wisdom (knowing better) and righteousness (doing what's right) and devotion to God (being worthy of His Word), how many others could I reach for Christ with my example? By just being who I am called to be?
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Back in the saddle
So for a while I have felt the gentle tug to start writing again. Even felt a slight nudge to start with a few blogs about the book of Titus. Been then today I got the swift kick in the bootie to get started. I went to have lunch with Dean today, and walked into his office. Meet a very nice lady that I knew of by name, but never met her face to face. The first thing she said when Dean introduced me was how much she loved reading my blog, and hadn't been able to read it in a while. The Holy Spirit really convicted me about not writing and sharing in a long time....so here I am. :) My entire goal is to show other women that we can make mistakes, have a hard time, even get mad, but at the end of the day we still have an unconditional love from God that can ease all our hearth aches, fears, and pains. So here we go again.....
There are soooo many good nuggets to talk about just in the first few verses of Titus!!! There's one main point to the entire chapter, but here are a few little aside points that I gotta mention first (and I won't even charge you extra. LOL!)
In the very first few words in the NLT version, Paul says he is "a slave of God". Oh wow! Isn't that an awesome thought? I have to say I don't always put myself in that position with God, even if I want to. To do whatever He says, whenever He says, however He says to do it. I would love to be so in tune with His voice that I could even attempt to do that. Then to be willing to do it no questions asked. Not going to lie, that's a toughie.
Then in verse 2, Paul slips in a little extra bit too...He talks about having the confidence that they have eternal life because God promised it before the world began. But he slides in there....oh yeah, by the way, He doesn't lie. LOVE IT!!!! I hate that we have to be reminded of that sometimes, but I am so happy that Paul took a moment to remind us again. I know for me if God makes me a promise, and He doesn't fulfill it right away, I assume that means it's not going to happen. We all know what assuming does, right? I always felt if it didn't happen in the way I wanted, or in the time I expected, it just wasn't going to happen at all. Well...
GOD DOESN'T LIE....EVER! It's not in His nature. It's sin, and He has no sin. I just have to be patient and trusting enough to know that He will stay true to His word, ALWAYS!
And there's a doozey in verse 3 too that I love!! Paul says "It is by the command of God our Savior that I have been entrusted with this work for Him." First of all, it's a command that I spread the word....but I love that he also says that God ENTRUSTED me with such important work too. Bottom line is someone's eternal life depends on me being willing to open my mouth and share what God has done in my life. That's all. I don't have to be a scholar, or an amazing writer, or a wonderful speaker...I just have to be me, and tell my story.
Now on to the main point....and it can be summed up in just a few words....you can't just talk the talk, you gotta walk the walk. If I tell all my friends they have to follow Jesus and do what's right and turn away from sin.....but then I bad talk about my husband during lunch, or cuss like a sailor, or drive like a maniac and flip people the bird, or hang out at the bar Saturday night and miss church Sunday morning....my testimony is SHOT! They think if I supposedly "have Jesus" and still act like that, I don't look any different than them. So why would they want to change? WORDS ARE CHEAP! The world has to see something different in me....in my walk, my voice, my tone, my attitude, my words, my demeanor. If Jesus truly fills me, then it should be bubbling over in me so much that people can't help but see Him in me. Then they will want to see what all the fuss is about. Why is she so happy all the time? Why is she always talking about being blessed? Why does she always have a spring in her step and a smile on her face? Then when they ask me....I only have to say one word....JESUS!!! Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words ever could.
Titus 1:16 (NLT) "Such people claim they know God, but they deny Him by the way they live. They are detestable and disobedient, worthless for doing anything good."
even better version....
Titus 1:16 (MSG) "They say they know God, but their actions speak louder than their words. They're real creeps, disobedient good-for-nothings."
OUCH!! I don't want to be that kind of Christian. I want people to know me and my God because of who I am through Him, not just what I say I am.
There are soooo many good nuggets to talk about just in the first few verses of Titus!!! There's one main point to the entire chapter, but here are a few little aside points that I gotta mention first (and I won't even charge you extra. LOL!)
In the very first few words in the NLT version, Paul says he is "a slave of God". Oh wow! Isn't that an awesome thought? I have to say I don't always put myself in that position with God, even if I want to. To do whatever He says, whenever He says, however He says to do it. I would love to be so in tune with His voice that I could even attempt to do that. Then to be willing to do it no questions asked. Not going to lie, that's a toughie.
Then in verse 2, Paul slips in a little extra bit too...He talks about having the confidence that they have eternal life because God promised it before the world began. But he slides in there....oh yeah, by the way, He doesn't lie. LOVE IT!!!! I hate that we have to be reminded of that sometimes, but I am so happy that Paul took a moment to remind us again. I know for me if God makes me a promise, and He doesn't fulfill it right away, I assume that means it's not going to happen. We all know what assuming does, right? I always felt if it didn't happen in the way I wanted, or in the time I expected, it just wasn't going to happen at all. Well...
GOD DOESN'T LIE....EVER! It's not in His nature. It's sin, and He has no sin. I just have to be patient and trusting enough to know that He will stay true to His word, ALWAYS!
And there's a doozey in verse 3 too that I love!! Paul says "It is by the command of God our Savior that I have been entrusted with this work for Him." First of all, it's a command that I spread the word....but I love that he also says that God ENTRUSTED me with such important work too. Bottom line is someone's eternal life depends on me being willing to open my mouth and share what God has done in my life. That's all. I don't have to be a scholar, or an amazing writer, or a wonderful speaker...I just have to be me, and tell my story.
Now on to the main point....and it can be summed up in just a few words....you can't just talk the talk, you gotta walk the walk. If I tell all my friends they have to follow Jesus and do what's right and turn away from sin.....but then I bad talk about my husband during lunch, or cuss like a sailor, or drive like a maniac and flip people the bird, or hang out at the bar Saturday night and miss church Sunday morning....my testimony is SHOT! They think if I supposedly "have Jesus" and still act like that, I don't look any different than them. So why would they want to change? WORDS ARE CHEAP! The world has to see something different in me....in my walk, my voice, my tone, my attitude, my words, my demeanor. If Jesus truly fills me, then it should be bubbling over in me so much that people can't help but see Him in me. Then they will want to see what all the fuss is about. Why is she so happy all the time? Why is she always talking about being blessed? Why does she always have a spring in her step and a smile on her face? Then when they ask me....I only have to say one word....JESUS!!! Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words ever could.
Titus 1:16 (NLT) "Such people claim they know God, but they deny Him by the way they live. They are detestable and disobedient, worthless for doing anything good."
even better version....
Titus 1:16 (MSG) "They say they know God, but their actions speak louder than their words. They're real creeps, disobedient good-for-nothings."
OUCH!! I don't want to be that kind of Christian. I want people to know me and my God because of who I am through Him, not just what I say I am.
Saturday, May 24, 2014
A game of chess
Recently, when talking about why God allowed pain in our lives, someone said to me that life was like a game of chess between God and satan. A game that God ALWAYS is one step ahead, and ALWAYS wins, but satan tries none the less to out maneuver God every turn. At first, that analogy made sense to me. I was ok with it. And then.....
I thought about it more and more (because the devil was poking me, and I know this NOW, but I didn't then) It started to eat at me. The idea that I was just a pawn in someone's cruel game. One makes a move to the right, and the other makes a move in the other direction. Then He counters with another good move, and he counters with a backwards move. Those of you who know me, know that I am very independent, and the idea of being a pawn did not sit well with me at all. So I was struggling with it, no doubt about it. I mean I know in my head that every move God made with my life was done with the greatest good for me in mind, and I knew that in the end He would win. But why would He allow me to be pushed in a different direction that He had intended? Why would He let someone else have any say? Why would He sit back and watch as satan manipulated me? It really upset me.
But then here's what I realized, God has the path for me already determined, already set out in front of me, already destined. But I keep allowing satan to lure me off the path. I let LIFE get in my way....studying, kids acting up, business, frustration, sickness, sadness, being too busy, being overwhelmed....you name it, it distracts me. And oh boy does satan knows my hot buttons (better than I do even). He sees how easy it is to whisper one of those little things in my ear, very quietly, so that I CHOOSE to lean his way, and IGNORE the path God has laid before me. Every time I let the devil distract me off course...it's not an evil game of chess between enemies, but in a loving way, God gently guides me back on HIS track.
Satan talks, walks, sounds, looks like an angel....so it's very easy to be misguided by him. HE KNOWS THAT, AND USES IT TO HIS ADVANTAGE! So why don't I recognize his tactics from a mile away? They don't change...you know why? Because they work every stinkin' time! Why would he change? What has to change? The fact that I LET him get to me. I let him convince me that I'm not enough, or I'm not worthy, or not deserving, or not able, or too old, or too WHATEVER....all he has to do is whisper in my ear, and I listen. God is sitting there screaming my name, asking me to come the other direction, and all satan does is whisper and I take off on a path that is made solely to steal, kill, and destroy.
Last night in a very intense time of prayer with friends, my chest started to ache during prayer. I mean seriously hurting, to the point of scaring me. And the picture I got in my head of what was going on was crystal clear. (If you watch Once Upon a Time, you will understand this picture) I saw satan with his hand inside my chest, his hand gripped around my heart, and he was desperately trying to pull it out of my chest. He very easily got his hand in (because I let him through the whispers!) I gave him the right to lay claim to a part of who I am by listening to his junk. But every time he tried to jerk his hand back out of my chest with my heart in his hand, it wouldn't come out. And it hurt! (in that TV show, if someone rips out your heart they control what you do and say, and if they crush it... you die) I kept feeling him tugging violently over and over. I couldn't figure out why it hurt so bad. And as clear as a bell I heard God tell me that every time I felt that pain, it wasn't just satan tugging outwards....it was God pushing it back in. I let satan in, but God is always there, continuing to push him back out. I'm not a pawn, but a beloved daughter of the Most High God.
Even after the prayer was over, and I calmed down, I asked God why does it always have to hurt, why does it have to be pain? And He said to me, if the pain wasn't there, you wouldn't know there was a battle going on at all.
I thought about it more and more (because the devil was poking me, and I know this NOW, but I didn't then) It started to eat at me. The idea that I was just a pawn in someone's cruel game. One makes a move to the right, and the other makes a move in the other direction. Then He counters with another good move, and he counters with a backwards move. Those of you who know me, know that I am very independent, and the idea of being a pawn did not sit well with me at all. So I was struggling with it, no doubt about it. I mean I know in my head that every move God made with my life was done with the greatest good for me in mind, and I knew that in the end He would win. But why would He allow me to be pushed in a different direction that He had intended? Why would He let someone else have any say? Why would He sit back and watch as satan manipulated me? It really upset me.
But then here's what I realized, God has the path for me already determined, already set out in front of me, already destined. But I keep allowing satan to lure me off the path. I let LIFE get in my way....studying, kids acting up, business, frustration, sickness, sadness, being too busy, being overwhelmed....you name it, it distracts me. And oh boy does satan knows my hot buttons (better than I do even). He sees how easy it is to whisper one of those little things in my ear, very quietly, so that I CHOOSE to lean his way, and IGNORE the path God has laid before me. Every time I let the devil distract me off course...it's not an evil game of chess between enemies, but in a loving way, God gently guides me back on HIS track.
Satan talks, walks, sounds, looks like an angel....so it's very easy to be misguided by him. HE KNOWS THAT, AND USES IT TO HIS ADVANTAGE! So why don't I recognize his tactics from a mile away? They don't change...you know why? Because they work every stinkin' time! Why would he change? What has to change? The fact that I LET him get to me. I let him convince me that I'm not enough, or I'm not worthy, or not deserving, or not able, or too old, or too WHATEVER....all he has to do is whisper in my ear, and I listen. God is sitting there screaming my name, asking me to come the other direction, and all satan does is whisper and I take off on a path that is made solely to steal, kill, and destroy.
Last night in a very intense time of prayer with friends, my chest started to ache during prayer. I mean seriously hurting, to the point of scaring me. And the picture I got in my head of what was going on was crystal clear. (If you watch Once Upon a Time, you will understand this picture) I saw satan with his hand inside my chest, his hand gripped around my heart, and he was desperately trying to pull it out of my chest. He very easily got his hand in (because I let him through the whispers!) I gave him the right to lay claim to a part of who I am by listening to his junk. But every time he tried to jerk his hand back out of my chest with my heart in his hand, it wouldn't come out. And it hurt! (in that TV show, if someone rips out your heart they control what you do and say, and if they crush it... you die) I kept feeling him tugging violently over and over. I couldn't figure out why it hurt so bad. And as clear as a bell I heard God tell me that every time I felt that pain, it wasn't just satan tugging outwards....it was God pushing it back in. I let satan in, but God is always there, continuing to push him back out. I'm not a pawn, but a beloved daughter of the Most High God.
Even after the prayer was over, and I calmed down, I asked God why does it always have to hurt, why does it have to be pain? And He said to me, if the pain wasn't there, you wouldn't know there was a battle going on at all.
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Prompting for the Holy Ghost or a lie from satan???
So today's blog is Dean's suggestion, I was struggling with something and he said that I think clearer and see the truth better when I write, so here it goes.....warning up front, this may be a long one.
I have been wrestling lately with wondering what my ex husband is up to and where he is. I received a phone call last week from a man that we knew about 8 years ago when we lived in SC. The man was a co-worker and friend of my ex's. But to my knowledge, not someone that he stayed in regular contact with after we moved to NC. (to be fair, there were a lot of things my ex did while living here with me that I didn't know about) He called and I saw the number pop up on caller id, I waited expecting him to leave a message....but nothing. It ate at me all day. Maybe he was just calling looking to catch up with John, maybe he was calling to warn me about something, maybe he was calling to let me know something was wrong with John. I couldn't handle the not knowing. So against Dean's preference, I called the number back. The man said that he had been looking for our number for a while, just wanted to catch up with John, said he finally found the number online and decided to call it. I gave him a short version of the history. He said he was sorry to hear that, something he wouldn't have expected from John, asked if the girls were doing ok, and said if I did hear from John again to let him know he was looking for him. On paper it seemed innocent enough, but it just didn't sit right with my spirit. It stirred up concerns and worries that I hadn't felt in a while. Dean completely disagreed with me. Said that I was allowing the devil to poke at me, that I had no reason to fear because God was in control of the situation and I was safe. It upset me because Dean didn't know John, didn't know what it was like here, didn't see the fear. So it's "easier" for him to say to just drop it. I was still feeling uneasy about the whole thing. Dean told me that God was in control, and had the situation in His hands. But my thoughts were that John isn't a believer, has free will, doesn't follow God's commands....so how does that work??
I was trying to not think about it, not let it bother me....but I caught myself changing my daily habits. Getting the tazer out of the drawer and charging it up, locking the front door all the time, watching the girls closer if they are outside in the yard playing, reminding them if he ever showed up not to go with him. I didn't feel like I was living in fear, but being prepared just in case. It reminded me of that old saying that God only helps those that help themselves....well that's what I felt, I didn't feel like I could just sit back and wait for God to handle it. I needed to do what I could to be aware and prepared, but not scared. That made sense to me.
Well, fast forward about a week or so to today....I had sort of quit thinking about it and out of no where while I was driving, it popped into my head to call 2 places. First to call the place where John and the above friend worked, and ask if John worked there again. John always said he wanted to go back and work there again. My concern was that if the guy was calling here, it wasn't to catch up with John, if was FOR John, to see if we still lived here since it was a call to the landline. The second place I wanted to call was the state child support enforcement office, to see if they had any leads on him. At least when they were taking child support from his check, I knew where he was. For over a year and a half now, they can't track him down by his social security number. I mentioned it to Dean, and he immediately rebuked me for listening to the devil's lies. Said to let it go and focus on our family and our future, not the past. I told him I WAS thinking about our family, about keeping the girls and myself safe. He said "You ARE safe. In God's hands and protection. You are to pray for the protection of our family. Not to worry if, and I say IF he ever shows up. That's not your call. God has it under control...HIS control. You need to stop worrying about it. All it does is drive you to a place of fear that God has called you out of. Hear Jesus' voice my love. You aren't given a spirit of fear." Then he suggested that I re-read Psalm 91.
I haven't yet...I wanted to wait until after I wrote the "back story" so it didn't alter my feelings until they were written down. I still don't feel like this is fear. I feel like I am supposed to be ready for the battle as best I can, then God can fill in where I can't. So my question is how do I know if this random thought today was a prompting from the Holy Spirit to get ready....or a lie straight from the pit of hell just to distract and scare me? How do I know?
So I just read Psalm 91, and balled like a baby!! There are some things there that I want to claim, but I'll get to that in a minute. Here's the big thing...TRUST. Verse 2 says "This I declare about the Lord:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him." Do I really know what trust is? Lots of people in my life have let me down, people I trusted with my heart. Do I fully trust God? Do I even know how to trust Him completely? Because I trusted God before, and He allowed me and my girls to be hurt. So what keeps that from happening again? So why shouldn't I do everything I can to be prepared? How do I trust Him completely? Why should I trust Him to just handle it?
I have been wrestling lately with wondering what my ex husband is up to and where he is. I received a phone call last week from a man that we knew about 8 years ago when we lived in SC. The man was a co-worker and friend of my ex's. But to my knowledge, not someone that he stayed in regular contact with after we moved to NC. (to be fair, there were a lot of things my ex did while living here with me that I didn't know about) He called and I saw the number pop up on caller id, I waited expecting him to leave a message....but nothing. It ate at me all day. Maybe he was just calling looking to catch up with John, maybe he was calling to warn me about something, maybe he was calling to let me know something was wrong with John. I couldn't handle the not knowing. So against Dean's preference, I called the number back. The man said that he had been looking for our number for a while, just wanted to catch up with John, said he finally found the number online and decided to call it. I gave him a short version of the history. He said he was sorry to hear that, something he wouldn't have expected from John, asked if the girls were doing ok, and said if I did hear from John again to let him know he was looking for him. On paper it seemed innocent enough, but it just didn't sit right with my spirit. It stirred up concerns and worries that I hadn't felt in a while. Dean completely disagreed with me. Said that I was allowing the devil to poke at me, that I had no reason to fear because God was in control of the situation and I was safe. It upset me because Dean didn't know John, didn't know what it was like here, didn't see the fear. So it's "easier" for him to say to just drop it. I was still feeling uneasy about the whole thing. Dean told me that God was in control, and had the situation in His hands. But my thoughts were that John isn't a believer, has free will, doesn't follow God's commands....so how does that work??
I was trying to not think about it, not let it bother me....but I caught myself changing my daily habits. Getting the tazer out of the drawer and charging it up, locking the front door all the time, watching the girls closer if they are outside in the yard playing, reminding them if he ever showed up not to go with him. I didn't feel like I was living in fear, but being prepared just in case. It reminded me of that old saying that God only helps those that help themselves....well that's what I felt, I didn't feel like I could just sit back and wait for God to handle it. I needed to do what I could to be aware and prepared, but not scared. That made sense to me.
Well, fast forward about a week or so to today....I had sort of quit thinking about it and out of no where while I was driving, it popped into my head to call 2 places. First to call the place where John and the above friend worked, and ask if John worked there again. John always said he wanted to go back and work there again. My concern was that if the guy was calling here, it wasn't to catch up with John, if was FOR John, to see if we still lived here since it was a call to the landline. The second place I wanted to call was the state child support enforcement office, to see if they had any leads on him. At least when they were taking child support from his check, I knew where he was. For over a year and a half now, they can't track him down by his social security number. I mentioned it to Dean, and he immediately rebuked me for listening to the devil's lies. Said to let it go and focus on our family and our future, not the past. I told him I WAS thinking about our family, about keeping the girls and myself safe. He said "You ARE safe. In God's hands and protection. You are to pray for the protection of our family. Not to worry if, and I say IF he ever shows up. That's not your call. God has it under control...HIS control. You need to stop worrying about it. All it does is drive you to a place of fear that God has called you out of. Hear Jesus' voice my love. You aren't given a spirit of fear." Then he suggested that I re-read Psalm 91.
I haven't yet...I wanted to wait until after I wrote the "back story" so it didn't alter my feelings until they were written down. I still don't feel like this is fear. I feel like I am supposed to be ready for the battle as best I can, then God can fill in where I can't. So my question is how do I know if this random thought today was a prompting from the Holy Spirit to get ready....or a lie straight from the pit of hell just to distract and scare me? How do I know?
So I just read Psalm 91, and balled like a baby!! There are some things there that I want to claim, but I'll get to that in a minute. Here's the big thing...TRUST. Verse 2 says "This I declare about the Lord:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him." Do I really know what trust is? Lots of people in my life have let me down, people I trusted with my heart. Do I fully trust God? Do I even know how to trust Him completely? Because I trusted God before, and He allowed me and my girls to be hurt. So what keeps that from happening again? So why shouldn't I do everything I can to be prepared? How do I trust Him completely? Why should I trust Him to just handle it?
Here's an example...I believe God will provide for believers. He makes money come from nowhere sometimes. BUT, I don't think He would if I was blowing all my bill money on shoes every week instead of buying groceries. To me the same thing applies here. I can't just sit around oblivious with my head in the sand, and expect God to just handle it...can I? What's the difference?
I do trust God....but I also trust in the abilities and discernment I have, because it was given to me FROM HIM! How can that be wrong?? I am honestly asking for answers, if anyone reading this has a different perspective please message me, here or privately. But here's a disclaimer, I will try with everything in me to read it and truly HEAR it. I have a hard time sometimes hearing someone else's thoughts on my situation because in my mind they haven't been in my shoes, so it's not fair to say how easy it is to see it differently. So I promise to hear it with love and understanding, if you promise to offer it with love and understanding.
So with my current understanding and trust in God, I declare.....
He will rescue me from every trap. (verse 3)
His faithful promises are my armor. (verse 4)
I will not dread anything, day or night. (verse 6)
These evils will not touch me or my children. (verse 7)
No evil will conquer me. (verse 10)
No plague will come near my house. (verse 10)
Angels will protect us anywhere we go. (verse 11)
He will rescue and protect us. (verse 14)
verse 15 says He will be with me in trouble....but why can't we just avoid trouble all together? I know He never promised us a life without issues or problems, I get that. But if I see trouble coming, why can't I walk a big circle around it to avoid it? Why can't my eyes be open enough and my spirit be aware enough to avoid some of the issues? Do I just sit back, not think about it, and wait for God to handle it for me?
I believe You will do all these things just as you said, I really do. But right now, God I ask you to show me what You want me to do? I want to trust You more. I want to believe that there is nothing to worry about. Show me....please.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
I know it's been a little while....
Ok, I know it's been a little while, but there is A LOT going on at our house lately. Crazy schedules, crazier teenagers, studying, tests, sickness, spring breaks, and the list goes on. So I am a little preoccupied and overwhelmed. BUT, today God overwhelmed me with HIM, so I had to share. Here it goes....
I don't always listen so well when God speaks, simply because I can't always slow down and be quiet enough to hear His voice. So many, many, many times when He has something to say to me He either shows me a picture, or speaks to me through song. Well today....He did BOTH all at once. Isn't He amazing?!
Anyways, the picture was beautiful, and almost indescribable. I looked up into the sky as I was coming up the mountain through the gorge, and saw the most beautiful site. The sky was a gorgeous shade of blue, but there were tons of clouds moving so quickly across the sky. I couldn't believe how quickly the clouds were moving. I was literally mesmerized by the sight. I had my sunglasses on because it had been sunny, but since the clouds were dark and moving in so fast, all of a sudden it seemed darker. As beautiful as it was, then the really pretty part showed up. The sun that seemed to be covered by the clouds all of a sudden broke through the clouds. You could see the rays burst through. Big wide bands of light forcing their way through the clouds. The picture was amazing enough, but then God said "LOOK Libby!" The SON was forcing His way through the storms/clouds of my life. No matter how dark it seems ever, HE can always SHINE through. AND, the storms looking from a distance moved really fast. My storms that seem to overtake my life, are just a little blip on Jesus' timeline.
Once I got a hold of myself....then I noticed the song on the radio. It was "You are I Am" by MercyMe.
Check out the words....
I don't always listen so well when God speaks, simply because I can't always slow down and be quiet enough to hear His voice. So many, many, many times when He has something to say to me He either shows me a picture, or speaks to me through song. Well today....He did BOTH all at once. Isn't He amazing?!
Anyways, the picture was beautiful, and almost indescribable. I looked up into the sky as I was coming up the mountain through the gorge, and saw the most beautiful site. The sky was a gorgeous shade of blue, but there were tons of clouds moving so quickly across the sky. I couldn't believe how quickly the clouds were moving. I was literally mesmerized by the sight. I had my sunglasses on because it had been sunny, but since the clouds were dark and moving in so fast, all of a sudden it seemed darker. As beautiful as it was, then the really pretty part showed up. The sun that seemed to be covered by the clouds all of a sudden broke through the clouds. You could see the rays burst through. Big wide bands of light forcing their way through the clouds. The picture was amazing enough, but then God said "LOOK Libby!" The SON was forcing His way through the storms/clouds of my life. No matter how dark it seems ever, HE can always SHINE through. AND, the storms looking from a distance moved really fast. My storms that seem to overtake my life, are just a little blip on Jesus' timeline.
Once I got a hold of myself....then I noticed the song on the radio. It was "You are I Am" by MercyMe.
Check out the words....
I've been the one to shake with fear
And wonder if You're even here
I've been the one to doubt Your love
I've told myself You're not enough
I've been the one to try and say
I'll overcome by my own shame
I've been the one to fall apart
And start to question who You are
You're the one who conquers giants
You're the one who calls out kings
You shut the mouths of lions
You tell the dead to breathe
You're the one who walks through fire
You take the orphan's hand
You are the one Messiah
You are I am
You are I am
I've been the one held down in chains
Beneath the weight of all my shame
I've been the one to believe
That where I am You cannot reach
You're the one who conquers giants
You're the one who calls out kings
You shut the mouths of lions
You tell the dead to breathe
You're the one who walks through fire
You take the orphan's hand
You are the one Messiah
You are I am
You are I am
The veil is torn
And now I live with the Spirit inside
The same one, the very same one
Who brought the Son back to life
Hallelujah, He lives in me
Hallelujah, He lives in me
Hallelujah, He lives in me
Hallelujah, He lives in me
And wonder if You're even here
I've been the one to doubt Your love
I've told myself You're not enough
I've been the one to try and say
I'll overcome by my own shame
I've been the one to fall apart
And start to question who You are
You're the one who conquers giants
You're the one who calls out kings
You shut the mouths of lions
You tell the dead to breathe
You're the one who walks through fire
You take the orphan's hand
You are the one Messiah
You are I am
You are I am
I've been the one held down in chains
Beneath the weight of all my shame
I've been the one to believe
That where I am You cannot reach
You're the one who conquers giants
You're the one who calls out kings
You shut the mouths of lions
You tell the dead to breathe
You're the one who walks through fire
You take the orphan's hand
You are the one Messiah
You are I am
You are I am
The veil is torn
And now I live with the Spirit inside
The same one, the very same one
Who brought the Son back to life
Hallelujah, He lives in me
Hallelujah, He lives in me
Hallelujah, He lives in me
Hallelujah, He lives in me
All of that was true for me at some point in my life. I questioned if He was there, or listening, or paying attention, or cared about me at all. I was one who was held down by the chains of my shame, my past, my crap. I believed I was out of His reach. Just because I forgot who He was. Let's look at that chorus again...
He conquered giants....so why wouldn't He be able to deal with my LITTLE mess?
He calls out kings...so why shouldn't I trust the call on my life?
He shut the mouths of lions....so why wouldn't I believe that He could close the mouths of my accusers?
He tells the dead to breath....so why wouldn't He heal my broken or hurting heart?
He walked through fire....and I think my mess is too much for Him?
He takes the orphan's hand....so why wouldn't I believe that He would want to reach out to me and draw me in?
You are I am....my literal mind couldn't compute that at first, but He is my everything, then, now, and forever. Hallelujah, He lives in me!!! Thank you Lord!!!
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