New Direction

I was politely reminded by a friend and my husband today that I need to still be writing. I have a blog idea brewing in my head, so here's a glimpse of my idea.  I want to take apart and decide how I feel about some of the typical religious sayings, statements, and phrases. Find out if they are biblical correct, and decide how they apply to life today.

Here are a couple of the ideas that I had so far....
God won't give me more than I can handle.

Church...is it a building or the people?

I know who I am....but do I really?

I am chosen, I am free. (but do I live that way?)

I am healed. (even if I don't see it yet.)

To be salt and light in the world.

Being appointed to bear fruit.

These are just a few of the ideas running around in my head.  Here's where this direction is going to be a little different....I want to hear from you too. I want your ideas of things that you have always heard, but was never really sure what they meant.  Then, as I start to explore the ideas, I want to hear your feedback, I want to know what you think, whether you agree or disagree with me. This can be like an online bible study, interactive, a conversation. For the handful of people that actually read and interact, I thank you in advance. This is going to be fun!!!

First post coming soon....

"Final" healing

Trying to wrap up my testimony is proving to be more difficult for me than I expected. I mean, I know that truly my story, my blessings from God, will never end...but I felt like it was time to move on to other writing topics. I wanted to explain my happy "ending"....

So I decided to talk about something that happened very recently for me. I thought I had long moved past my issues. And I had, I am happy in my life, secure in my place, and sure of my God and His protection. I don't look back and worry. I don't walk around scared anymore. I don't even really think about it very much. But one day it church...it bubbled up.

It was a regular Sunday morning and we had a prayer line at the end of service. I was engaged in it, felt the spirit in the room, it was thick for sure. But I wasn't overwhelmed with it really. Pastor was praying over Dean and I as a couple, just asking for more of His Presence for us, blessing us. It was wonderful.  But then pastor said something to the effect of heal any scars on their hearts, heal any brokenness, heal any self doubt. And I literally started to fall to pieces. I started weeping. The brokenness felt so fierce all of a sudden. I could hardly bare it.  What was happening around me got sort of blurry at this point.  I remember being hugged. A hug like I have never felt before. I felt like God himself had His arms around me, and was keeping me from falling to the ground, no matter how much I wanted to give into the pain I felt. I stayed in those arms for what seemed like an hour, just heaving with tears streaming down my face. I could hear a voice speaking over me, but couldn't always understand the words. I couldn't stop crying. I slowly started to calm down some, and leaned back to see who I was hugging. It was a different person than was originally praying with Dean and I. She asked me to place my hand over my heart, and continued to pray. She asked God to heal any remaining holes in my heart, to fill them with His love, and to seal them shut so that they can't hurt me any longer. She then asked if she could pray over me in the spirit, and I said yes of course. Understand, I have had people pray with me in the spirit before, but in small doses, a phrase or two repeated, but nothing like this.  One of my favorite passages in the bible is about how God sings over us, and that is exactly what happened that day. Her words, her prayer language, in my ear was the most beautiful song I had ever heard. God whispered the most beautiful melody to me through her. It gave me peace and healing, when I didn't even realize I needed it. It was amazing. Incredible. I felt more love in those moments than I could ever explain in words. It was beautiful. But here's the thing...I didn't even realize I was still hurting at all.

My title to this post was final healing, but is that truly possible?  I think God heals us in little bits. I don't think I could have handled or understood that level of healing even a few months ago.  I wasn't close enough with God until that very moment to let Him love on me like that. If someone had tried to pray with me like that a year ago, I wouldn't have been able to receive it, it would have been wasted breaths.  When am I ever going to understand that God knows me, and knows what I am ready for, and knows how far He can push me? A heart that I thought was healed and full of Him...He showed me just how much more that He has to give. Something that my mind can't even begin to wrap around.  And the best part is...I don't think He's done yet. Hear me, that doesn't mean that I don't think I am healed of my past yet...but I don't think I can begin to fathom the healing that He can offer still. He is my Jehovah Rapha. He is my healer. He is my strength. He is my fortress. He is my safe place. He is my Daddy. And He is a GOOD DADDY. Ask me...and I will be happy to tell you just how good He is.

Picking up the pieces of pottery

Psalm 31:14-18 (NLT)
"But I am trusting you, O Lord, saying "You are my God!" My future is in your hands. Rescue me from those who hunt me down relentlessly. Let your favor shine on your servant. In your unfailing love, rescue me. Don't let me be disgraced, O Lord, for I call out to you for help. Let the wicked be disgraced; let them lie silent in the grave. Silence their lying lips - those proud and arrogant lips that accuse the godly."

There it is....finally stopping in my tracks and saying ok God, I can't do this alone. In fact, I can't do it at all.  I had to come to a broken moment where I had to give it over to Him completely before I could move forward a single step. I had to stop the whining and complaining, and make a choice that it was time for something different. Was it easy? Of course not! But it had to be done for things to change.

This Psalm is sooooo my testimony! It blows my mind every time I go back and read it. 

I handed my future over to God...I gave up on "finding" the guy, and let God bring him to me.

Rescue me from those who hunt me down....I was able to let go of the fear that John would come back one day for revenge, even though that does sneak in on me occasionally. 

Let your favor shine on your servant...SERVANT, so for me I realized that I had to be a servant, share my story to help others, reach out to women who were hurting too, in order to receive His favor for my life.  It still amazes me every day the women that God puts in my path that needs to here a story of hope. He opens up the conversation and gives me a perfect way in every time. Blows my mind!

Psalm 31:19-24

"How great is the goodness you have stores up for those who fear you. You lavish it on those who come to you for protection, blessing them before the watching world.You hide them in the shelter of your presence, safe from those who conspire against them. You shelter them in your presence, far from accusing tongues. Praise the Lord, for he has shown me the wonders of his unfailing love. He kept me safe when my city was under attack. In a panic I cried out, :I am cut off from the Lord!" But you heard my cry for mercy and answered my call for help. Love the Lord, all you godly ones! For the Lord protects those who are loyal to him, but he harshly punishes the arrogant. So be strong and courageous, all you who put your hope in the Lord!"

I love this part...now that we have cried and cried, got out of our pity party, and asked God to rescue us.....here are all the wonderful things He has lined up for us!!! 

Here are some of my favs....

LAVISH....yeah, I know it's only one word, but I still love it. He doesn't just show us goodness, or offer it to us, or give it to us, but He LAVISHES His goodness over anyone who comes to Him for protection. Amazing in my eyes! That's a big promise!

As if that's not enough, He BLESSES us before a world that is watching.  I promise that if you don't think people are watching, you are wrong! Everyone is watching to see what the God that you claim to love and follow is going to do for you.  SO God gets all the glory for being a good God, but we still get blessed! How awesome is that???

Is anything better than His presence? Just in these few verses, it hides us from nay sayers, keeps us safe, and acts as a shelter for us every day.

My favorite is He kept me safe when my city was under attack...my mind was completely under attack, that was the "city" I was stuck in. But once I invited Him into my city, once I cried out for His mercy...He came to my rescue, and agreed to keep me safe always. 

So after all of that I can stand strong and full of courage, knowing that the Lord is always by my side. He is now and forever my hope! 

Finishing up the story

I took a few days off from writing, but my loving hubby keeps encouraging me to finish the story.  There are 3 reasons....First, we are going on vacation tomorrow, and I know I won't write while in Florida. Second, I need to finish the story because God is already giving me ideas for other things to write. Third, God has a plan for my writing, and I know that, so I need to keep pressing forward. So my plan is to write a few blogs today and post them all, including finishing my in depth look at Psalm 31 (my theme chapter for my testimony) and a final blog about my story.

Psalm 31:9-13
"Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief. My life is consumed by anguish and my years by groaning; my strength fails because of my affliction, and my bones grow weak. Because of all my enemies, I am the utter contempt of my neighbors and an object of dread to my closest friends - those who see me on the street flee from me. I am forgotten as though I were dead; I have become broken like pottery. For I hear many whispering, "Terror on every side!" They conspire against me and plot to take my life."

WOW....this section almost makes me giggle. I can just picture God up in heaven looking down watching me wallering in my junk. Just having a little pity party all by myself. (and I did for quite a while!) He is sitting up there just waiting for me to be done. Wondering if I will get over myself, and let Him pull me out of the pit that life/circumstances/myself put me in. But we've all been there, haven't we? I know that I have.  You take your eyes off Jesus and put them on your circumstances, and you lose your focus.There are some strong depressing words in those few verses."My life is CONSUMED by ANGUISH"...that's not just saying that I am a little sad, but consumed! And with anguish! That's a serious pity party.  And look in the next sentence...my strength FAILS because of my affliction. What's that says to me is that I have taken my eyes so far off of Jesus (my STRENGTH) that I feel like it has left me because of my pain. That's just not possible! Jesus NEVERS leaves you....but I do believe that sometimes He will be quiet to give me time to get my focus back on the right things. I always go back to the fact that God is a gentleman, He is never going to push himself on me or anyone else for that matter. He is always there for us, but only if we want Him to be. I don't have to pull myself out of the pit...but I do have to stop feeling sorry for myself and look up to HIM, and then He will pull me out.

One sort of aside that I would like to say about this section is about friends and family along your path, and there are 2 parts to it.  First, don't be so miserable in your mess that no one wants to be around you. I've been there, it's really not fun at all, just makes you feel that much more alone. The other side of that is if the people in your life aren't encouraging and trying to help you out of your pit....don't listen to them. Misery DOES NOT need company, it needs a true friend to love you out of that darkness. If you have people in your life that aren't trying to be a part of solution...then they aren't really your friends. Kick them out!

My favorite part of these verses is being broken like a piece of pottery. For so long I tried to hold all my pieces together by myself. I tried using every kind of glue that I could...food, music, my kids, dating, staying busy, work...but none of it really worked. Until the moment that I decided I couldn't hold my pieces together, and let them all fall on the floor like pieces of pottery...was God able to step in and really start putting me back together.

I will be glad....because I choose to be

Psalm 31:6-8 (NLT)

"I hate those who worship worthless idols. I trust in the Lord. I will be glad and rejoice in your unfailing love, for you have seen my troubles, and you care about the anguish of my soul. You have not handed me over to my enemies but have set me in a safe place."

There are so many great little phrases in those couple of verses, I just love it! Anyone who says the bible is just a book and not HIS LIVING WORD is absolutely crazy. This chapter has touched so deep into my soul, I can't even explain it. I wish that I had seen this chapter years ago. But I can stand here today and see that all His promises in this portion of His Word are real and true. Each line strikes a new chord in my heart. He is always watching, He is always looking out of me, He always cares for me even when I can't see it. 

Let's look at this a little closer....

I felt like the beginning part didn't seem to fit when I first read it, but then I looked at it in The Message. "I hate all this silly religion, but in you, God, I trust."  I LOVE that! That says so much in just a few words.  It's not about my choice of denomination of church to attend, or what version of the bible I read, or whether I sit in a pew or a chair, or we sing hymns or contemporary songs...all that matters is that I have a relationship, a REAL relationship, with HIM! I just have to put my trust completely in Him. Bottom line.

Then I will choose to be glad and rejoice....and yes, I said it is a choice.  Every day I choose to be happy with my life. I choose to remember that it could be worse. I choose to know that I am blessed. I choose to have joy in my heart every day. Does that mean I don't have bad days? Of course not, but I still choose to see that good in every day that I have.  I could have died that day. My ex had my by the throat so tightly that I truly couldn't breath, I was scared for my life, I thought I would never see my girls again, the next day I had a bruise in the shape of a hand print around my throat. I could have been killed. But God wouldn't allow that. He saved me then, just as He continues to save me for harm today, even ones that I may not even know about. So yes, I choose to be glad and rejoice every day that I can.

Not only do I rejoice....but I rejoice in His unfailing love. Dictionary.com defines unfailing as "not giving way, not falling short of expectation, completely dependable, endless". WOW! Not falling short of expectation....those are some powerful words, don't you think? A love that can never let you down. A love that is always dependable. A love that no matter what you do, will never ever go away. 

And if that's not enough, God has seen my troubles and He cares about the anguish of my soul....that thought just warms my heart so much, even today. No matter what it is that upsets me, He cares about it.  We constantly try to put God in an earthly sized box, we don't understand how He can be concerned about so many people so deeply at the same time. Here's a thought that stuck out to me lately....you know how if you really have to remember something, you write it on your hand? Whether it's to remember to be somewhere, or a phone number, or to get milk on the way home....that's where you put that things that you absolutely can't forget.  Someone reminded me lately that God has MY name written on the palm of His hand. A constant reminder that He needs to remember me. He cares. Did you hear me? HE CARES! 

And finally in this short few lines of Psalm 31...He has not handed me to my enemies, but put me in a safe place.  For a long time I didn't know what safe even meant. I was afraid so much, that I walked on eggshells continuously to keep the peace. To avoid his anger. But God removed me from the horrible nightmare and put me into a safe place. Not a place with guns for protection, or a place where the ex doesn't exist, or a place where I hide from the world...but a truly safe place, in the arms of a loving Daddy, but also in the arms of a man who loves and protects me every day because God told him to.

So yes, I trust God and take joy every day in the safe place He has put me.

 

Psalm 31 study continued...

At first, I was going to move into the next section of Psalm 31, but truly I am still stuck on the idea of God's rescue. I thought of a story today that someone had told me once, and it linked right into this story of rescue. 

Think of yourself on the end of a fishing line. God is holding the pole, but He has released the tension. He will let you run as far as you want to go, keeping a close watch on you the entire time. You can run, and run, and run. He never jerks you back against your will.  BUT...when you finally let go, relax, and give over control....He will slowly reel you back into His arms.  He will always rescue you.

There are plenty of other verses to show that He is ready and willing to come to your rescue....

Numbers 10:9

“When you arrive in your own land and go to war against your enemies who attack you, sound the alarm with the trumpets. Then the Lord your God will remember you and rescue you from your enemies.

1 Samuel 2:1

Then Hannah prayed: “My heart rejoices in the Lord! The Lord has made me strong. Now I have an answer for my enemies; I rejoice because you rescued me.

2 Samuel 22:17

“He reached down from heaven and rescued me; he drew me out of deep waters.

2 Samuel 22:20

He led me to a place of safety; he rescued me because he delights in me.

1 Chronicles 16:35

Cry out, “Save us, O God of our salvation! Gather and rescue us from among the nations, so we can thank your holy name and rejoice and praise you.”

Job 33:28

God rescued me from the grave, and now my life is filled with light.’

This just scratches the surface of the times that God came to the rescue. He wants to, He loves you, you are His favorite child, He wants to keep you close and protect you. But here's the thing....you have to be willing to be rescued. You have to want it, and want Him.

I thank God every day that I finally woke up and asked Him to save me. To bring me back to Him. To let me come back to Him. I can only pray that nothing will ever separate us again. Lord, thank you for loving me so.

The Word still speaks

I was at church the other night, just soaking in His Presence, and He lead me directly to this passage. I believe it is my new favorite chapter! It speaks so loudly to my testimony. So for the next few blog posts, it will be looking over Psalm 31 and talking about what it means to me, and what it can mean to you.

Look through the entire passage, and then we can get started.

Psalm 31 (NLT)

1O Lord, I have come to you for protection;
    don’t let me be disgraced.
    Save me, for you do what is right.
2 Turn your ear to listen to me;
    rescue me quickly.
Be my rock of protection,
    a fortress where I will be safe.
3 You are my rock and my fortress.
    For the honor of your name, lead me out of this danger.
4 Pull me from the trap my enemies set for me,
    for I find protection in you alone.
5 I entrust my spirit into your hand.
    Rescue me, Lord, for you are a faithful God.

6 I hate those who worship worthless idols.
    I trust in the Lord.
7 I will be glad and rejoice in your unfailing love,
    for you have seen my troubles,
    and you care about the anguish of my soul.
8 You have not handed me over to my enemies
    but have set me in a safe place.

9 Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am in distress.
    Tears blur my eyes.
    My body and soul are withering away.
10 I am dying from grief;
    my years are shortened by sadness.
Sin has drained my strength;
    I am wasting away from within.
11 I am scorned by all my enemies
    and despised by my neighbors—
    even my friends are afraid to come near me.
When they see me on the street,
    they run the other way.
12 I am ignored as if I were dead,
    as if I were a broken pot.
13 I have heard the many rumors about me,
    and I am surrounded by terror.
My enemies conspire against me,
    plotting to take my life.

14 But I am trusting you, O Lord,
    saying, “You are my God!”
15 My future is in your hands.
    Rescue me from those who hunt me down relentlessly.
16 Let your favor shine on your servant.
    In your unfailing love, rescue me.
17 Don’t let me be disgraced, O Lord,
    for I call out to you for help.
Let the wicked be disgraced;
    let them lie silent in the grave.[a]
18 Silence their lying lips—
    those proud and arrogant lips that accuse the godly.

19 How great is the goodness
    you have stored up for those who fear you.
You lavish it on those who come to you for protection,
    blessing them before the watching world.
20 You hide them in the shelter of your presence,
    safe from those who conspire against them.
You shelter them in your presence,
    far from accusing tongues.

21 Praise the Lord,     for he has shown me the wonders of his unfailing love.

    He kept me safe when my city was under attack.
22 In panic I cried out,
    “I am cut off from the Lord!”
But you heard my cry for mercy
    and answered my call for help.

23 Love the Lord, all you godly ones!
    For the Lord protects those who are loyal to him,
    but he harshly punishes the arrogant.
24 So be strong and courageous,
    all you who put your hope in the Lord!

The first place that jumps out to me is in that first section (verses 1-5)....

I have come to you for protection, I run into HIS arms....are you going to the right place for your shelter? I know in the beginning I didn't. Dear sisters, learn from my mistakes please, don't take so long to go to the source of your protection. For me, I felt like the man the I trusted, that supposedly loved me had taken advantage of the trust I had given him. He was supposed to protect me, not be a source of pain to me. So I felt like I had to be my own protection for a change. That didn't work out so well. I had to come around and put my trust in GOD to be my sole source of reprieve. God wanted to be my safe place, my resting spot, my strong tower.  We sing those things at church all the time, but do we really believe it or just sing it because it sounds good? (as an aside challenge, this week at Sunday service whenever you go...make it a point to not "just sing" but to truly mean the words from your heart to a beyond worthy God!) 

Look at verse 3...for YOUR honor, lead me out of this danger.  So when He saved you from whatever it was you were doing, after you begged Him to get you out of it....did you take even a minute to say thank you? I honestly try to keep my focus there when I am telling my testimony or writing this blog. I could not have done it on my own.  I would still be a mess if He hadn't continually pursued me. It is by HIS mercy alone that I made it out on the other side and into His loving arms. His grace for me still blows my mind, I do not deserve Him. But He still freely offered it then, and continues today to do the same.

I try to relish in the little words when it comes to reading in my bible, and there is one that jumped off the page to me in verse 5....entrust. To me that is stronger than just trusting someone with something. If you entrust them with it, you are giving it over completely to them without concern of how it will return to you. Dictionary.com says it means to commit something in trust. Do I really entrust my heart to God? Do I entrust my life to Him? My children? My marriage? For me, I like to be in control of things (no giggling Dean), I like to have it in my hands so that I know its done. It's hard for me to release things even to God. I feel like He gave me knowledge, and strength, and abilities, so that I could do things for myself....but the problem is when I think I have to do it all by myself. If I can entrust Him to direct my path, and then agree to follow Him...it would be so much easier. During a prayer session the other night at church, a wonderful lady told me that I needed to just walk with Jesus step by step. To know that He won't take me further than I need to go, or faster than I should go.  For me, it's not being afraid to go, it is slowing down enough to walk side by side with Jesus, and not run ahead to what's next. I am learning still every day how to entrust Him with my whole self...heart, body, mind, and soul.

And finally for today....RESCUE me Lord. What a beautiful plea that is. Isn't it? When you think about a rescue, that is when you finally realized that you just can't do it on your own. You have to let go, and see that you need someone else to come find you, and save you. The picture I see in my head, is of someone caught in river being pulled out on a stretcher by a rescue helicopter. Get the picture I am talking about. God can just reach down and scoop you right up! And the awesomest part....God will always rescue you when you call out His name. He is waiting for you to say, dear Lord, please, I need you, save me from myself. 

One last time, look at verse 5....but in a couple of different versions....

The Message... "I've put my life in your hands. You won't drop me, you'll never let me down."

NIV... "Into Your hands I commit my spirit, deliver me, Lord, my faithful God."

Amplified... "Into your hands I commit my spirit; You have redeemed me, O Lord, the God of truth and faithfulness."

Good News Bible... "I place myself in your care. You will save me, Lord; you are a faithful God."

Why we are the way we are

I want to be very clear today on this point...

Please know that I do not boast about Dean and I's relationship to just say look at us and how awesome we are and how much our halos are glowing. NOT AT ALL! I share our story, and plaster our love all over facebook for 2 reasons....

1. To give ALL the glory to God! First and foremost. He orchestrated all of this. For a LONG time I question why He would allow bad things to happen to me? Why He would allow me to be hurt, mentally and physically? If He loved me, why did it have to be that way? Here's the thing....there are TONS of things on this side of heaven that I am never going to understand, but that doesn't change the promises of God for my life! What are you choosing to believe as your reality....your circumstances or HIS PROMISES?

Psalm 18:30 says "God’s way is perfect. All the Lord’s promises prove true. He is a shield for all who look to him for protection."

Did you catch that? It didn't one of His promises, or an occasional promise, or every other promise...but ALL the Lord's promises prove true. ALWAYS!

He promised me that one day my husband would stand next to me in church worshiping Him. Even to the point that we would be doing ministry together. I had to hold onto that promise for a long time to see it come to fruition. Did I lose track of it occasionally? Yes I did. But once I finally grabbed hold of His truth and refused to let go....look how He has blessed me!

2. To show a hurting world that there is always HOPE! God is not sitting up in heaven, waiting for you to mess up, so He can reach down and smite you. I know a lot of us were taught that way as kids, that he was only a vengeful, angry God, but that is so far from the truth. He wants to lavish His love on you. He wants to sing a song over you. He wants to turn your valley of trouble into a gateway of hope (Hosea 2:15). All you have to do is open your eyes to see it and walk through. I love what the Message says in the last verse of that chapter "I'll say to the nobody, 'You're my dear SOMEBODY' and he'll say 'You're my God!"  

God is a God of hope, that's who He is, it's in His nature. Just because it's not in YOUR timing, doesn't make it any less true. So just because me (or anyone else for that matter) has received their promise today, doesn't mean that your's isn't right around the corner....BUT only if you choose to be joyous for me in my time of blessing will you receive yours. You have to be ready to mourn with those as they mourn, and rejoice with those as they rejoice. Right??

So please, don't see this as bragging or showing off or putting on a facade...I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams. But I have been at the lowest of lows, and the darkest of darkness, I know what it's like.But I had hope in the word of God. I knew that He had not forsaken me. He had a plan for me. And He wouldn't say it unless He meant it. His word is true. He was and still is my HOPE! He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. I also know that through showing others my broken heart and my past hurts, that He will not only heal others, but He will continue to heal me as well. 

"You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in your word." Psalm 119:114

"Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him." Psalm 62:5

"Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God." Psalm 43:5

The love of a Godly man heals

Today this is about some of the story from then and some from now. Because it was true then, and it is more than true now.

On the night of our second date, Dean got very emotional and told me that I was her. At first I didn't understand what he was saying, he had to explain it to me. I was the "her" he had prayed for. I was the "her" that he had asked God for.  Dean said that he knew God had someone for him, so every new single woman he came in contact with he asked "is that her God?" All the other single women at our church, he felt a definite no in his spirit from God. But when he inquired about me, he never got a clear answer. We know now that's because the timing wasn't right. But I am Dean's HER. Just as he is my HIM. We still say that to each other all the time. 

That night that we admitted that we were in love, we wondered what it would be like for two givers to be together. Because in both of our past relationships, we were the giver opposed to the taker in the marriage. But now, God had paired two givers, what did He have planned for us? How could that work?

As a giver, more times than not you are taken advantage of. So I really didn't know how to respond when someone else was willing to do something for me without expecting something in return. Honestly, some days I still don't. Dean loves me for who I am, not what I can do for him. For many, many, many years the love I received was based on what I had done...whether it was cook a meal, or clean the house, buying a surprise gift, or whatever....the love I received was ALWAYS conditional. To have Dean in my life has changed everything. He is my flesh and blood earthly example of what the Father's love should look like. I didn't know what that was like. I didn't know how that felt. I didn't know how to respond to that. 

Because of the "taking" that had occurred over and over in our previous relationships, Dean and I can truly appreciate our love for one another. We enjoy doing things for each other, not because we have to but because we WANT to. He is truly a gift from above for me. He saved me from myself. So why in the world would I ever take that for granted? Why would I not cherish him every day that I am alive? And why would I not thank God every day that He put us together?

Please know, it's not perfect. We still have "intense moments of fellowship" (as Dean says). BUT, we also know that we can talk through anything. We know that all those little things that upset us, are never worth staying anger over. The main difference in our relationship now versus before is that leaving is never an option! I would never even think about that. I will not tear apart something that God put together. I won't ever allow that to happen to us. I am his HER, and he is my HIM!

My broken heart continues to heal more each day because of the love God shows me through Dean. He encourages me and lifts me up. He makes a point every day to tell me that I am loved, I am strong, I am beautiful, and that he is proud of me. I have never experienced that before in my life. It's hard to hear some days, and those are the days that he tells me a hundred times. Some days he even makes me repeat after him! 

All I can say is that I am so blessed beyond measure to have a loving, encouraging, God loving, God fearing, amazing husband in my life now. I couldn't imagine my life now without him in it.

Bad memories and crappy laws

WARNING, WARNING....might be a little bit of a grouchy post for me, so be forewarned. LOL!

Today Dean and I had an appointment with my lawyer to discuss the option of him adopting the girls. We have talked for a while about this. Dean is good to my girls, and loves them so much, he wants to be there for them everyday, and they want him to be their daddy. So we should be able to do that....right?  Should be an easy process...right? Should be a happy day....right??

Well in sneaks the devil to steal, kill, and destroy...

It starts with being in the exact same room at the lawyers office where I first sat to tell the most embarrassing story of my life. To have to admit to other people that I was dumb enough to let that awful man treat me that way. I get washed over with the feelings I had that exact day. Sitting at the head of that table just balling my eyes out. I was a mess.  This was the morning after I watched my piece of crap husband drug off by two policeman in the middle of the night. I barely slept. Trying to do everything I can to take care of business before I RUN out of town to hide. I had no idea how long he would be kept in jail.  I knew his mom was trying to bail him out as quick as she could. In fact, I don't think I told this part of the story....that morning, I called his mom to tell her. I knew his dad had abused her for years, so I thought she would understand. Her reply....she asked if I would help her bail him out. So I flashed right back to that morning of misery.  At this point today, I still had my emotions in check though, I was ok, because we were now there for a happy reason. I was trying to focus on that.

BUT THEN....the lawyer proceeds to tells us about how the state protects the father's parental rights.....WHAT IN THE WORLD????? Why should he deserve any rights at all? He choose to try to kill their mother. He choose to only visit the girls ONCE in the last 3 years. He choose to disappear and not be heard from. He choose to not pay his court ordered child support to the point of being in arrears over $20,000 and has a warrant out for his arrest. But now he has rights that have to be protected. This absolutely infuriates me. I just think if a man ever decides to raise his hand to his wife or children, all rights should disappear. I understand there are people who try to misuse the system and stick it to their ex after a divorce...but really? He left and never looked back! I told the lawyer I was concerned that if something ever happened to me, where would my babies go. I asked him if I got hit my a car tomorrow, what would happen? He said that first the state would have custody of the girls, but then John (the ex) would have the right to try to get custody. Not the man who is here every day for them and loves them. So now to try to terminate his parental rights, we have to have him served with papers, and if they can't find him, they have to continue to search for him multiple times. Once the have exhausted all possibilities of serving him the papers, then they will have to place a posting in a local newspaper where he was last known to live, and give him a chance to see it and then respond. Again I say, WHAT IN THE WORLD?? And to top it off, the lawyer needs $1500 to make it happen.

In the process of chatting it up with the lawyer, I mention that I am concerned about stirring the pot with John. What if being served these papers is what throws him over the edge, and causes him to come running back to NC for revenge. So I asked him about checking on the restraining order that had been in place, just in case. He explained that I would need to go to the clerk of court's office to ask them. So off Dean and I go towards the courthouse.

I was still ok at this point, I was happy about the possibility of having a complete Allen family. I wanted to see this finished, but I really wasn't relishing the thought of having to interact with the ex again. For a woman in this situation, every time you think that was the last thing...there's one more thing. A court date, a letter from the office of child support enforcement, a found picture....something that drums up all the nastiness again.  I felt bad because I knew that Dean was upset that this had all upset me. It wasn't his fault at all, I just hated revisiting that part of my life. My grampa always called me an ostrich as a kid, I liked to shove my head in the sand and pretend like the world was not happening around me.  That's what I have been doing for the last few years. Since he wasn't here, I was able to pretend that he didn't exist, and none of that mess never happened. But that's not the truth, and I know that, but still....

So, another rude awakening moment....we go to the courthouse, and I decide to use the potty before we go to the clerk's office. Seems harmless enough, right? Well, as I go in, my mind flashes to a time when I had zoomed into that bathroom to hide from the man who scared me to death who was walking down the hall towards me on the day of our first court hearing. I knew that he could show up that day, but I didn't really expect him to, I wasn't ready. And then there he was walking right towards me. So into the bathroom I flew.

I shook that off as Dean and I to walk towards the clerks office, to check on the restraining order (just in case...I hate that there has to be a "just in case".) Another place I remembered being on the morning after...sitting there crying with mom as I filled out the paperwork. Eyes so filled with tears that I could barely see to write. Anyways, the lady told me that the restraining order was set to expire on April 13 of this year. But I could petition to renew with "good reason".  I had to write on the form that the reason I was worried, and wanted to renew was because I was petitioning to have his parental rights taken away. Oh and by the way...I have to mail him a copy of the form I filled out, AND attend a hearing for said request.  Once again I say, WHAT IN THE WORLD????

I was trying so hard to hold in the tears, I didn't want to upset Dean. I DO want to press forward with having him adopt my babies. I really do. I want it with everything in me. But this was a rough day...and it will be a rough process. I just have to focus on the finish line. But today, that was hard to do. The devil is super sneaky. He doesn't come at you where you expect him to, he comes at you when and where you least expect it. I didn't see this day bringing up all these hurts.  Understand, I am healed of these things, the wounds aren't fresh, but the happenings of today just brought all the feelings that went with the hurts to the surface for a moment. But it's just a moment.

All that complaining to say....according to the counter today, 453 people have viewed my blog since I started writing. So I am asking all of you, take a moment and pray with us. Pray that we will have the money. Pray that they will be able to find him. Pray that things will go smoothly. Pray that everyone is safe. Pray that I am able to focus on the happy parts of this process not the nastiness of the past. Pray that my girls get to have Dean Allen as their daddy, and truly appreciates how much he loves them. Just pray. Please.

The start of a new family

Dean and I were completely convinced that we were going to be married. We knew that this love was real and God had planned it for both of us. But it was bigger than just us, there were 4 kids involved. So that made us a little nervous. The girls never really liked any of the guys I dated, and Kaden really never cared for any of the women Dean had dated....so what would make this different? GOD WOULD!!! God had it all worked out, He knew that my girls needed a gentle dad, just as much as Dean's son needed a loving mom.

Psalm 33:11 says "But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all the generations." That was so true for us.  That weekend, Dean and I decided to get everyone together and see how it would go. Even though in our hearts we knew that this love was of God, our flesh still worried about the kids all getting along. They sort of knew each other from church, but not really. SO we really didn't know what to expect from them. 

We took them all to Jump off Rock in Laurel Park. Just to spend some time together. From the first minute we spent together as the 6 of us, it was beyond obvious that there was no way that God didn't have his hands in this. Everyone really just enjoyed being together. My girls loved having an older brother, and even if he won't always admit it, Kaden loved having them around too. Here's a picture from that first outing....

Once we posted this picture on facebook, people started to freak out.

It wasn't always easy to get everyone else to understand. People who were supposed to be our friends, were not nice. Some said things to Dean and I like "are you sure?" or "shouldn't you wait?" or "how do you know?" One of the worst things we heard was to one of the kids though, asking were they sure they were ok with all of this. (I could climb up on my soapbox about this, but I will let it go!) All six of us could feel the difference right from the beginning. It was what a family was supposed to be like. Loving, kind, caring, a team. And we liked it. Dean and I knew it would take some getting used to, some adjusting, but to us this was just another confirmation that this was God's handiwork. 

Dean and I agreed, when we were that sure about something, we didn't want to wait. It wasn't rushing anything, or being afraid to be alone, but we KNEW that we  were supposed to be together and God had a purpose for putting us together. Within 6 weeks from our first real date, we were getting married. October 5, 2012 was the day that 6 people became a true family. A family that would love together, would worship together, would do life together. 

Here are a few pictures...I dare you to look and them and say that you can't see the love!

I couldn't keep my eyes off of him, I still can't. He makes me happier every day!

 We bought bracelets for each of the kids with their name on it, and the date we became a family!

 This is the real us!

A family....something none of us had ever really experienced.

If you ever get a chance, take a look at my engagement ring. It has all of our birthstones in it, including a diamond in the middle that represents the fact that we choose to put Jesus in the middle of our family.  This was not just a wedding joining me and Dean, this was God putting together 2 groups of people and making a family.

Date #2

I am having a really hard time putting this part of the story to paper, simply because words cannot begin to describe how amazing it was. I want to do it justice, but there's really no way to make you understand how we felt. Most people didn't believe us, in fact LOTS of people said it wouldn't last. But I know that I know that I know, that this was real, and it was straight from God above. He had it planned all along. Ask Dean, he will tell you the same thing without a doubt. God MADE us perfectly for each other, and as I tell you more of the story I hope you can see that too.  That said, here's the story of our 2nd date....

This was to be my last night in Hickory in training, but we couldn't wait to see each other again. Dean drove to Hickory to meet me and we were going to go out. His plan was to meet me at my hotel, and then I would drive since I knew my way around Hickory at that point. I had texted him the hotel name and room number.  Well about the time he was supposed to be there, he called me and said where are you. I said, I am in my room waiting for you to get here.  He said, no you're not, I just knocked on the door and you didn't answer. I was like uh no, I am here, are you at room 301? He said of course I am. So I walked to the door, opened it, and looked down the hallway, saw NO ONE! I was like, Dean don't mess around with me. He said I'm not, I'm here. Problem was....he was at the hotel next door! (Sorry honey, had to tell that part. Love you!)

Anyways, once we found each other, we decided to go see a movie. We went to a cool little old style theater in downtown and saw The Avengers. (My first real exposure to super hero movies) I have to admit though, I had to watch the movie again later to really know what happened, because I didn't notice the movie very much at all. He was holding my hand, and I just looked at our hands twined together for most of the movie. I know it sounds crazy, but it's true. You can hold someone's hand....but then you can really have someone hold your hand. This was different, I could feel the difference down deep in my soul. I never let go of his hand while we there in the theater. And as the night went on, I knew I never wanted to let go of his hand ever again.

We went out to dinner, I could barely tell you where or what I ate. I was completely enamored by him. He was so different that any man that I have ever known...and I liked it. We were so perfectly matched. We truly had fun together. As we sat there talking, it was like I was sitting outside of my body watching the whole thing. I was looking at us and thinking to myself that I was falling for this man, no matter how much I didn't think I could. There was such an ease to us, such a calmness, no awkwardness. We just fit together.  The more we talked, the more we could see that this was more than just us. God had orchestrated this. There is no way that we could be this good together without Him in the middle.

We left the restaurant and drove back to the hotel to get his car, because he still had to drive back to Asheville, and it was already midnight-ish. But I really didn't want this to end.  Everything in my heart wanted to shout that I loved him. But my mind was freaking out. I didn't want to be the first to throw that out there, and then he look at me like I had two heads! I was scared to be hurt, like I had been used to all my life. Even as I try to write this now, the entire thing is sort of foggy as far as the details go....but all I remember is the feeling that we had. We realized we were head over heels completely in love (and he said it first!) and we knew we would be married....soon.  We even joked that we would get married that next Tuesday when we were back at home.

God had caused us to cross paths at the right time....at a time for both of us where we gave up trying to do it our way. We realized that we couldn't do it our way, if we wanted it to be right in His eyes. We had to completely turn it over to Jesus and trust that He had our best interests at heart. He had a plan for us to do bigger and better things together. We both had our strengths and talents separately...but God knew that He had humongous plans for us as a couple. There was (and still is) no doubt in either one of our minds that we were supposed to be together because GOD SAID SO!

I know I have used this verse before, but it's too good not to use again! But here it is in The Message....very powerful words... Jeremiah 29:11
"I know what I am doing. I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for."
 

My new theme song!

We were talking with one of our friends lately about there being real messages from above in secular music. Well I was blasting this song in the car by myself today and decided it was my new theme song. Roaring like a lion has come up more than once lately for me.


Here are the words, in case you don't wanna watch the video.....

I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I sat quietly, agreed politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice
I let you push me past the breaking point
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Get ready 'cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now

I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
'Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
'Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You’re gonna hear me roar

Now I’m floating like a butterfly
Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes
I went from zero, to my own hero

You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Get ready ’cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now

THAT'S how I feel lately. For long time I didn't realize that I had a choice and a voice. And now I am CHOOSING to use my VOICE to make a DIFFERENCE, even if it's only to help one person!!!!