Trying to wrap up my testimony is proving to be more difficult for me than I expected. I mean, I know that truly my story, my blessings from God, will never end...but I felt like it was time to move on to other writing topics. I wanted to explain my happy "ending"....
So I decided to talk about something that happened very recently for me. I thought I had long moved past my issues. And I had, I am happy in my life, secure in my place, and sure of my God and His protection. I don't look back and worry. I don't walk around scared anymore. I don't even really think about it very much. But one day it church...it bubbled up.
It was a regular Sunday morning and we had a prayer line at the end of service. I was engaged in it, felt the spirit in the room, it was thick for sure. But I wasn't overwhelmed with it really. Pastor was praying over Dean and I as a couple, just asking for more of His Presence for us, blessing us. It was wonderful. But then pastor said something to the effect of heal any scars on their hearts, heal any brokenness, heal any self doubt. And I literally started to fall to pieces. I started weeping. The brokenness felt so fierce all of a sudden. I could hardly bare it. What was happening around me got sort of blurry at this point. I remember being hugged. A hug like I have never felt before. I felt like God himself had His arms around me, and was keeping me from falling to the ground, no matter how much I wanted to give into the pain I felt. I stayed in those arms for what seemed like an hour, just heaving with tears streaming down my face. I could hear a voice speaking over me, but couldn't always understand the words. I couldn't stop crying. I slowly started to calm down some, and leaned back to see who I was hugging. It was a different person than was originally praying with Dean and I. She asked me to place my hand over my heart, and continued to pray. She asked God to heal any remaining holes in my heart, to fill them with His love, and to seal them shut so that they can't hurt me any longer. She then asked if she could pray over me in the spirit, and I said yes of course. Understand, I have had people pray with me in the spirit before, but in small doses, a phrase or two repeated, but nothing like this. One of my favorite passages in the bible is about how God sings over us, and that is exactly what happened that day. Her words, her prayer language, in my ear was the most beautiful song I had ever heard. God whispered the most beautiful melody to me through her. It gave me peace and healing, when I didn't even realize I needed it. It was amazing. Incredible. I felt more love in those moments than I could ever explain in words. It was beautiful. But here's the thing...I didn't even realize I was still hurting at all.
My title to this post was final healing, but is that truly possible? I think God heals us in little bits. I don't think I could have handled or understood that level of healing even a few months ago. I wasn't close enough with God until that very moment to let Him love on me like that. If someone had tried to pray with me like that a year ago, I wouldn't have been able to receive it, it would have been wasted breaths. When am I ever going to understand that God knows me, and knows what I am ready for, and knows how far He can push me? A heart that I thought was healed and full of Him...He showed me just how much more that He has to give. Something that my mind can't even begin to wrap around. And the best part is...I don't think He's done yet. Hear me, that doesn't mean that I don't think I am healed of my past yet...but I don't think I can begin to fathom the healing that He can offer still. He is my Jehovah Rapha. He is my healer. He is my strength. He is my fortress. He is my safe place. He is my Daddy. And He is a GOOD DADDY. Ask me...and I will be happy to tell you just how good He is.
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