I know it's been a little while....

Ok, I know it's been a little while, but there is A LOT going on at our house lately. Crazy schedules, crazier teenagers, studying, tests, sickness, spring breaks, and the list goes on. So I am a little preoccupied and overwhelmed. BUT, today God overwhelmed me with HIM, so I had to share. Here it goes....

I don't always listen so well when God speaks, simply because I can't always slow down and be quiet enough to hear His voice. So many, many, many times when He has something to say to me He either shows me a picture, or speaks to me through song.  Well today....He did BOTH all at once. Isn't He amazing?!
Anyways, the picture was beautiful, and almost indescribable. I looked up into the sky as I was coming up the mountain through the gorge, and saw the most beautiful site.  The sky was a gorgeous shade of blue, but there were tons of clouds moving so quickly across the sky. I couldn't believe how quickly the clouds were moving. I was literally mesmerized by the sight. I had my sunglasses on because it had been sunny, but since the clouds were dark and moving in so fast, all of a sudden it seemed darker. As beautiful as it was, then the really pretty part showed up.  The sun that seemed to be covered by the clouds all of a sudden broke through the clouds. You could see the rays burst through. Big wide bands of light forcing their way through the clouds. The picture was amazing enough, but then God said "LOOK Libby!" The SON was forcing His way through the storms/clouds of my life. No matter how dark it seems ever, HE can always SHINE through.  AND, the storms looking from a distance moved really fast. My storms that seem to overtake my life, are just a little blip on Jesus' timeline.
Once I got a hold of myself....then I noticed the song on the radio. It was "You are I Am" by MercyMe.
Check out the words....

I've been the one to shake with fear
And wonder if You're even here
I've been the one to doubt Your love
I've told myself You're not enough

I've been the one to try and say
I'll overcome by my own shame
I've been the one to fall apart
And start to question who You are

You're the one who conquers giants
You're the one who calls out kings
You shut the mouths of lions
You tell the dead to breathe
You're the one who walks through fire
You take the orphan's hand
You are the one Messiah
You are I am
You are I am

I've been the one held down in chains
Beneath the weight of all my shame
I've been the one to believe
That where I am You cannot reach

You're the one who conquers giants
You're the one who calls out kings
You shut the mouths of lions
You tell the dead to breathe
You're the one who walks through fire
You take the orphan's hand
You are the one Messiah
You are I am
You are I am

The veil is torn
And now I live with the Spirit inside
The same one, the very same one
Who brought the Son back to life

Hallelujah, He lives in me
Hallelujah, He lives in me
Hallelujah, He lives in me
Hallelujah, He lives in me

All of that was true for me at some point in my life. I questioned if He was there, or listening, or paying attention, or cared about me at all. I was one who was held down by the chains of my shame, my past, my crap. I believed I was out of His reach.  Just because I forgot who He was.  Let's look at that chorus again...

He conquered giants....so why wouldn't He be able to deal with my LITTLE mess?

He calls out kings...so why shouldn't I trust the call on my life?

He shut the mouths of lions....so why wouldn't I believe that He could close the mouths of my accusers?

He tells the dead to breath....so why wouldn't He heal my broken or hurting heart?

He walked through fire....and I think my mess is too much for Him?

He takes the orphan's hand....so why wouldn't I believe that He would want to reach out to me and draw me in?

You are I am....my literal mind couldn't compute that at first, but He is my everything, then, now, and forever.  Hallelujah, He lives in me!!! Thank you Lord!!!

New Direction

I was politely reminded by a friend and my husband today that I need to still be writing. I have a blog idea brewing in my head, so here's a glimpse of my idea.  I want to take apart and decide how I feel about some of the typical religious sayings, statements, and phrases. Find out if they are biblical correct, and decide how they apply to life today.

Here are a couple of the ideas that I had so far....
God won't give me more than I can handle.

Church...is it a building or the people?

I know who I am....but do I really?

I am chosen, I am free. (but do I live that way?)

I am healed. (even if I don't see it yet.)

To be salt and light in the world.

Being appointed to bear fruit.

These are just a few of the ideas running around in my head.  Here's where this direction is going to be a little different....I want to hear from you too. I want your ideas of things that you have always heard, but was never really sure what they meant.  Then, as I start to explore the ideas, I want to hear your feedback, I want to know what you think, whether you agree or disagree with me. This can be like an online bible study, interactive, a conversation. For the handful of people that actually read and interact, I thank you in advance. This is going to be fun!!!

First post coming soon....

"Final" healing

Trying to wrap up my testimony is proving to be more difficult for me than I expected. I mean, I know that truly my story, my blessings from God, will never end...but I felt like it was time to move on to other writing topics. I wanted to explain my happy "ending"....

So I decided to talk about something that happened very recently for me. I thought I had long moved past my issues. And I had, I am happy in my life, secure in my place, and sure of my God and His protection. I don't look back and worry. I don't walk around scared anymore. I don't even really think about it very much. But one day it church...it bubbled up.

It was a regular Sunday morning and we had a prayer line at the end of service. I was engaged in it, felt the spirit in the room, it was thick for sure. But I wasn't overwhelmed with it really. Pastor was praying over Dean and I as a couple, just asking for more of His Presence for us, blessing us. It was wonderful.  But then pastor said something to the effect of heal any scars on their hearts, heal any brokenness, heal any self doubt. And I literally started to fall to pieces. I started weeping. The brokenness felt so fierce all of a sudden. I could hardly bare it.  What was happening around me got sort of blurry at this point.  I remember being hugged. A hug like I have never felt before. I felt like God himself had His arms around me, and was keeping me from falling to the ground, no matter how much I wanted to give into the pain I felt. I stayed in those arms for what seemed like an hour, just heaving with tears streaming down my face. I could hear a voice speaking over me, but couldn't always understand the words. I couldn't stop crying. I slowly started to calm down some, and leaned back to see who I was hugging. It was a different person than was originally praying with Dean and I. She asked me to place my hand over my heart, and continued to pray. She asked God to heal any remaining holes in my heart, to fill them with His love, and to seal them shut so that they can't hurt me any longer. She then asked if she could pray over me in the spirit, and I said yes of course. Understand, I have had people pray with me in the spirit before, but in small doses, a phrase or two repeated, but nothing like this.  One of my favorite passages in the bible is about how God sings over us, and that is exactly what happened that day. Her words, her prayer language, in my ear was the most beautiful song I had ever heard. God whispered the most beautiful melody to me through her. It gave me peace and healing, when I didn't even realize I needed it. It was amazing. Incredible. I felt more love in those moments than I could ever explain in words. It was beautiful. But here's the thing...I didn't even realize I was still hurting at all.

My title to this post was final healing, but is that truly possible?  I think God heals us in little bits. I don't think I could have handled or understood that level of healing even a few months ago.  I wasn't close enough with God until that very moment to let Him love on me like that. If someone had tried to pray with me like that a year ago, I wouldn't have been able to receive it, it would have been wasted breaths.  When am I ever going to understand that God knows me, and knows what I am ready for, and knows how far He can push me? A heart that I thought was healed and full of Him...He showed me just how much more that He has to give. Something that my mind can't even begin to wrap around.  And the best part is...I don't think He's done yet. Hear me, that doesn't mean that I don't think I am healed of my past yet...but I don't think I can begin to fathom the healing that He can offer still. He is my Jehovah Rapha. He is my healer. He is my strength. He is my fortress. He is my safe place. He is my Daddy. And He is a GOOD DADDY. Ask me...and I will be happy to tell you just how good He is.

Picking up the pieces of pottery

Psalm 31:14-18 (NLT)
"But I am trusting you, O Lord, saying "You are my God!" My future is in your hands. Rescue me from those who hunt me down relentlessly. Let your favor shine on your servant. In your unfailing love, rescue me. Don't let me be disgraced, O Lord, for I call out to you for help. Let the wicked be disgraced; let them lie silent in the grave. Silence their lying lips - those proud and arrogant lips that accuse the godly."

There it is....finally stopping in my tracks and saying ok God, I can't do this alone. In fact, I can't do it at all.  I had to come to a broken moment where I had to give it over to Him completely before I could move forward a single step. I had to stop the whining and complaining, and make a choice that it was time for something different. Was it easy? Of course not! But it had to be done for things to change.

This Psalm is sooooo my testimony! It blows my mind every time I go back and read it. 

I handed my future over to God...I gave up on "finding" the guy, and let God bring him to me.

Rescue me from those who hunt me down....I was able to let go of the fear that John would come back one day for revenge, even though that does sneak in on me occasionally. 

Let your favor shine on your servant...SERVANT, so for me I realized that I had to be a servant, share my story to help others, reach out to women who were hurting too, in order to receive His favor for my life.  It still amazes me every day the women that God puts in my path that needs to here a story of hope. He opens up the conversation and gives me a perfect way in every time. Blows my mind!

Psalm 31:19-24

"How great is the goodness you have stores up for those who fear you. You lavish it on those who come to you for protection, blessing them before the watching world.You hide them in the shelter of your presence, safe from those who conspire against them. You shelter them in your presence, far from accusing tongues. Praise the Lord, for he has shown me the wonders of his unfailing love. He kept me safe when my city was under attack. In a panic I cried out, :I am cut off from the Lord!" But you heard my cry for mercy and answered my call for help. Love the Lord, all you godly ones! For the Lord protects those who are loyal to him, but he harshly punishes the arrogant. So be strong and courageous, all you who put your hope in the Lord!"

I love this part...now that we have cried and cried, got out of our pity party, and asked God to rescue us.....here are all the wonderful things He has lined up for us!!! 

Here are some of my favs....

LAVISH....yeah, I know it's only one word, but I still love it. He doesn't just show us goodness, or offer it to us, or give it to us, but He LAVISHES His goodness over anyone who comes to Him for protection. Amazing in my eyes! That's a big promise!

As if that's not enough, He BLESSES us before a world that is watching.  I promise that if you don't think people are watching, you are wrong! Everyone is watching to see what the God that you claim to love and follow is going to do for you.  SO God gets all the glory for being a good God, but we still get blessed! How awesome is that???

Is anything better than His presence? Just in these few verses, it hides us from nay sayers, keeps us safe, and acts as a shelter for us every day.

My favorite is He kept me safe when my city was under attack...my mind was completely under attack, that was the "city" I was stuck in. But once I invited Him into my city, once I cried out for His mercy...He came to my rescue, and agreed to keep me safe always. 

So after all of that I can stand strong and full of courage, knowing that the Lord is always by my side. He is now and forever my hope! 

Finishing up the story

I took a few days off from writing, but my loving hubby keeps encouraging me to finish the story.  There are 3 reasons....First, we are going on vacation tomorrow, and I know I won't write while in Florida. Second, I need to finish the story because God is already giving me ideas for other things to write. Third, God has a plan for my writing, and I know that, so I need to keep pressing forward. So my plan is to write a few blogs today and post them all, including finishing my in depth look at Psalm 31 (my theme chapter for my testimony) and a final blog about my story.

Psalm 31:9-13
"Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief. My life is consumed by anguish and my years by groaning; my strength fails because of my affliction, and my bones grow weak. Because of all my enemies, I am the utter contempt of my neighbors and an object of dread to my closest friends - those who see me on the street flee from me. I am forgotten as though I were dead; I have become broken like pottery. For I hear many whispering, "Terror on every side!" They conspire against me and plot to take my life."

WOW....this section almost makes me giggle. I can just picture God up in heaven looking down watching me wallering in my junk. Just having a little pity party all by myself. (and I did for quite a while!) He is sitting up there just waiting for me to be done. Wondering if I will get over myself, and let Him pull me out of the pit that life/circumstances/myself put me in. But we've all been there, haven't we? I know that I have.  You take your eyes off Jesus and put them on your circumstances, and you lose your focus.There are some strong depressing words in those few verses."My life is CONSUMED by ANGUISH"...that's not just saying that I am a little sad, but consumed! And with anguish! That's a serious pity party.  And look in the next sentence...my strength FAILS because of my affliction. What's that says to me is that I have taken my eyes so far off of Jesus (my STRENGTH) that I feel like it has left me because of my pain. That's just not possible! Jesus NEVERS leaves you....but I do believe that sometimes He will be quiet to give me time to get my focus back on the right things. I always go back to the fact that God is a gentleman, He is never going to push himself on me or anyone else for that matter. He is always there for us, but only if we want Him to be. I don't have to pull myself out of the pit...but I do have to stop feeling sorry for myself and look up to HIM, and then He will pull me out.

One sort of aside that I would like to say about this section is about friends and family along your path, and there are 2 parts to it.  First, don't be so miserable in your mess that no one wants to be around you. I've been there, it's really not fun at all, just makes you feel that much more alone. The other side of that is if the people in your life aren't encouraging and trying to help you out of your pit....don't listen to them. Misery DOES NOT need company, it needs a true friend to love you out of that darkness. If you have people in your life that aren't trying to be a part of solution...then they aren't really your friends. Kick them out!

My favorite part of these verses is being broken like a piece of pottery. For so long I tried to hold all my pieces together by myself. I tried using every kind of glue that I could...food, music, my kids, dating, staying busy, work...but none of it really worked. Until the moment that I decided I couldn't hold my pieces together, and let them all fall on the floor like pieces of pottery...was God able to step in and really start putting me back together.

I will be glad....because I choose to be

Psalm 31:6-8 (NLT)

"I hate those who worship worthless idols. I trust in the Lord. I will be glad and rejoice in your unfailing love, for you have seen my troubles, and you care about the anguish of my soul. You have not handed me over to my enemies but have set me in a safe place."

There are so many great little phrases in those couple of verses, I just love it! Anyone who says the bible is just a book and not HIS LIVING WORD is absolutely crazy. This chapter has touched so deep into my soul, I can't even explain it. I wish that I had seen this chapter years ago. But I can stand here today and see that all His promises in this portion of His Word are real and true. Each line strikes a new chord in my heart. He is always watching, He is always looking out of me, He always cares for me even when I can't see it. 

Let's look at this a little closer....

I felt like the beginning part didn't seem to fit when I first read it, but then I looked at it in The Message. "I hate all this silly religion, but in you, God, I trust."  I LOVE that! That says so much in just a few words.  It's not about my choice of denomination of church to attend, or what version of the bible I read, or whether I sit in a pew or a chair, or we sing hymns or contemporary songs...all that matters is that I have a relationship, a REAL relationship, with HIM! I just have to put my trust completely in Him. Bottom line.

Then I will choose to be glad and rejoice....and yes, I said it is a choice.  Every day I choose to be happy with my life. I choose to remember that it could be worse. I choose to know that I am blessed. I choose to have joy in my heart every day. Does that mean I don't have bad days? Of course not, but I still choose to see that good in every day that I have.  I could have died that day. My ex had my by the throat so tightly that I truly couldn't breath, I was scared for my life, I thought I would never see my girls again, the next day I had a bruise in the shape of a hand print around my throat. I could have been killed. But God wouldn't allow that. He saved me then, just as He continues to save me for harm today, even ones that I may not even know about. So yes, I choose to be glad and rejoice every day that I can.

Not only do I rejoice....but I rejoice in His unfailing love. Dictionary.com defines unfailing as "not giving way, not falling short of expectation, completely dependable, endless". WOW! Not falling short of expectation....those are some powerful words, don't you think? A love that can never let you down. A love that is always dependable. A love that no matter what you do, will never ever go away. 

And if that's not enough, God has seen my troubles and He cares about the anguish of my soul....that thought just warms my heart so much, even today. No matter what it is that upsets me, He cares about it.  We constantly try to put God in an earthly sized box, we don't understand how He can be concerned about so many people so deeply at the same time. Here's a thought that stuck out to me lately....you know how if you really have to remember something, you write it on your hand? Whether it's to remember to be somewhere, or a phone number, or to get milk on the way home....that's where you put that things that you absolutely can't forget.  Someone reminded me lately that God has MY name written on the palm of His hand. A constant reminder that He needs to remember me. He cares. Did you hear me? HE CARES! 

And finally in this short few lines of Psalm 31...He has not handed me to my enemies, but put me in a safe place.  For a long time I didn't know what safe even meant. I was afraid so much, that I walked on eggshells continuously to keep the peace. To avoid his anger. But God removed me from the horrible nightmare and put me into a safe place. Not a place with guns for protection, or a place where the ex doesn't exist, or a place where I hide from the world...but a truly safe place, in the arms of a loving Daddy, but also in the arms of a man who loves and protects me every day because God told him to.

So yes, I trust God and take joy every day in the safe place He has put me.

 

Psalm 31 study continued...

At first, I was going to move into the next section of Psalm 31, but truly I am still stuck on the idea of God's rescue. I thought of a story today that someone had told me once, and it linked right into this story of rescue. 

Think of yourself on the end of a fishing line. God is holding the pole, but He has released the tension. He will let you run as far as you want to go, keeping a close watch on you the entire time. You can run, and run, and run. He never jerks you back against your will.  BUT...when you finally let go, relax, and give over control....He will slowly reel you back into His arms.  He will always rescue you.

There are plenty of other verses to show that He is ready and willing to come to your rescue....

Numbers 10:9

“When you arrive in your own land and go to war against your enemies who attack you, sound the alarm with the trumpets. Then the Lord your God will remember you and rescue you from your enemies.

1 Samuel 2:1

Then Hannah prayed: “My heart rejoices in the Lord! The Lord has made me strong. Now I have an answer for my enemies; I rejoice because you rescued me.

2 Samuel 22:17

“He reached down from heaven and rescued me; he drew me out of deep waters.

2 Samuel 22:20

He led me to a place of safety; he rescued me because he delights in me.

1 Chronicles 16:35

Cry out, “Save us, O God of our salvation! Gather and rescue us from among the nations, so we can thank your holy name and rejoice and praise you.”

Job 33:28

God rescued me from the grave, and now my life is filled with light.’

This just scratches the surface of the times that God came to the rescue. He wants to, He loves you, you are His favorite child, He wants to keep you close and protect you. But here's the thing....you have to be willing to be rescued. You have to want it, and want Him.

I thank God every day that I finally woke up and asked Him to save me. To bring me back to Him. To let me come back to Him. I can only pray that nothing will ever separate us again. Lord, thank you for loving me so.