Someone speaking at church today said we all need help if we are going to finish our race. That idea got me to thinking about my own story and how hard it was for me to admit I needed help, then to be able to actually accept it...
I had learned to do things on my own, to be self sufficient, to not tell anyone what was really going on. I didn't want anyone to know I was hurting and broken, so there was no way I was asking for help. I put on a smiling face every day at work, and every Sunday at church so that no one had any idea what was really going on. I truly thought I didn't need any help. I had it all under control. Then my world feel apart, my "warts" were exposed. My family and my friends knew what I had been hiding for years. At first, everyone offered to help. They offered to babysit, or offered to chat, or offered to help at the house, or offered a meal....but then eventually everyone else went back to their regular lives, and I was left on my own again.
I had to figure out how to keep going, and without any help really. I had a very rigid schedule, so that we got everything done. I had a plan. Things were in a specific order, so that I could keep my life in check. At this point no one even asked if they could help anymore. They were either afraid that I would say yes....or they were not sure how to even talk to me anymore. I was broken, and no one knew how to help. I didn't even consider asking for help anymore. Everyone had an opinion about how I should do things, and wasn't afraid to voice that opinion....but no one wanted to step up and truly help.
The girls and I had a system. I'll say I dated and talked to guys, but I never really let them close to me. I kept them at arms length too. I had been hurt too much. I wasn't going to allow that to happen again. I didn't need anyone. And then....life changed. I met Dean, and he wasn't going to let me do it alone. Honestly, it's still something we struggle with daily. My asking for help, and then allowing him to actually help and in his own way. I didn't like feeling vulnerable enough to need help. I was strong willed, and hard headed. Still am most days. Some days in fact he has to make me let him help me. It's true!
The time that finally broke me was when I had to have back surgery last summer. I had no choice but to let him help me. I was out of work for 6 weeks, and was completely down for at least 2 weeks. I had to rely on Dean to help me with even the littlest things. I had to slow down, put my pride aside, and ask for help even if I didn't want to.
But here's the key part....help is two sided. First, you have to be willing to ask for help. And then, you have to freely give it when asked. This goes back to my point of a true church family. I should trust my church family enough to ask them if there is something I need help with. But at the same time, my church family should know me well enough to see when I need help even if I don't ask. Then be ready to help at the drop of a hat. Again, THAT is truly sharing the love of Christ, lending a helping hand any time it's needed.
Proverbs 3:27-28(NLT) "Do not withhold good from those who deserve it when it's in your power to help them. If you can help your neighbor now, don't say, "Come back tomorrow, and then I'll help you.""
Proverbs 17:17(NLT) "A friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in a time of need."
Ephesians 4:16 (NLT) "He makes the whole body fit together perfectly. As each part does its own special work, it helps the other parts grow, so that the whole body is healthy and growing and full of love."
Sunday, July 6, 2014
Saturday, July 5, 2014
I don't want to be unproductive
There was one verse that just jumped off the page to me today in Titus 3. Take a look with me at verse 14...
"Our people must learn to do good by meeting the urgent needs of others; then they will not be unproductive." (NLT)
If I'm not doing something that will benefit someone else, then according to this verse I am then not being productive. So when we sit around on our behinds at church, being comfortable, singing the same old songs, and staying with just us four and no more...we're not being all we are called to be.
So many people run to the government for help when they are in need...THAT'S WHAT THE CHURCH SHOULD BE FOR!!! Being the church is not about a service on Sunday morning, it's about DOING something for the kingdom the rest of the week. There are so many options, how can we not find one thing that we can do for our community.
Volunteer at a local food pantry.
Do a donation drive for a local non profit.
Give an offering to a charity.
Be a mentor.
Volunteer at a school.
Help clean up a neighbor's yard.
Cook a meal for a family in need.
Just get involved. Be a resource. Be available. Don't be too busy to be helpful.
NIV version says all should "devote themselves to doing what is good"....and what is better than showing other people the love of Christ?? In the end that's what it's all about...not a meal, or a roll of toilet paper, an hour of your time, or an afternoon of counseling....it's just about loving on His children.
"Our people must learn to do good by meeting the urgent needs of others; then they will not be unproductive." (NLT)
If I'm not doing something that will benefit someone else, then according to this verse I am then not being productive. So when we sit around on our behinds at church, being comfortable, singing the same old songs, and staying with just us four and no more...we're not being all we are called to be.
So many people run to the government for help when they are in need...THAT'S WHAT THE CHURCH SHOULD BE FOR!!! Being the church is not about a service on Sunday morning, it's about DOING something for the kingdom the rest of the week. There are so many options, how can we not find one thing that we can do for our community.
Volunteer at a local food pantry.
Do a donation drive for a local non profit.
Give an offering to a charity.
Be a mentor.
Volunteer at a school.
Help clean up a neighbor's yard.
Cook a meal for a family in need.
Just get involved. Be a resource. Be available. Don't be too busy to be helpful.
NIV version says all should "devote themselves to doing what is good"....and what is better than showing other people the love of Christ?? In the end that's what it's all about...not a meal, or a roll of toilet paper, an hour of your time, or an afternoon of counseling....it's just about loving on His children.
Thursday, July 3, 2014
2nd dose of Titus
In today's society, there are lots of traits that are now considered old fashioned, or not even necessary. But I believe there is no such thing. Common courtesy and respect is no longer a requirement in many households. Kids act as if they are entitled to everything the world has to offer. Which is partially ok, they should believe that they can have or do anything they want in this world....but there's a big IF at the end of that statement....IF they are willing to work for it, and IF they are willing to live by God's ways. You can't just do whatever you want, and act however you want, and then get everything you feel like you deserve. It just doesn't work that way. "What goes around comes around" are "you get what you give" and "you catch more flies with honey than vinegar" have all been around forever, but in my mind still ring true today.
In Titus 2, Paul mentions many of these traits that seem to go more and more by the wayside every day. Let's take a look at a few that really jumped off the page to me....
Verse 2 talks about 2 that are HUGE in my opinion....self-control and being worthy of respect. Real zingers, right?! If more people acted with self control in today's world, what a different place it would be. I try to instill in our girls the idea that they shouldn't need me to always say "that's not a good idea". At a certain point they should be able to say, I beat this is a bad idea, maybe I shouldn't do that. And they are starting to understand that. They're not prefect, they make mistakes and need reminding, but they are learning. It amazes me how many adults can't say the same. Having self control could literally change the world. Knowing their own hot buttons and then realizing how to avoid them could greatly affect someone's life. Don't you think? Exercising self control is not in the normal human nature though. It has to be a conscious choice that we make every day. Deserving respect sort of goes hand in hand with that, doesn't it? A friend of mine used to always tell their kids "act like you are somebody". If you want respect, act like you are the type of person who deserves it. Bottom line is be someone who gives respect to be worthy of respect. Are you always going to get it back in return from the person you gave it to? Nope, but so what, doesn't matter, you should still give it. Act like you deserve the respect you desire by showing it to everyone you come in contact with.
Paul then talks about how the older woman should take younger women under their wings. To teach them how to live a life that is worthy and honors God. To show them how to love their husbands and their children in the right way. How to take care of their homes, and their families, and to not bring shame on the word of God. Does this happen today? I don't think it does. Everyone is so "busy", we always seem to miss out on what I believe should be a huge part of our churches today. We use the term "church family" very freely, but do we really live that way? Church should be a place where we can all learn from each other, and not just on Sunday, and not just about church stuff. People know how to behave in church....they need to know what to do the rest of the week! When you get home and the kids start acting like they have lost their minds, that's when you need to know how to act, how to still be a Christian mother and wife. You need someone to show you how to be able to still be salt and light in your household when you feel like the walls are caving in and everyone in your house has gone completely bonkers! Church is about every day relationships, not just corporate worship on Sunday morning. So many women are longing for someone to just come along side of them, to stand in the gap with them, to support them, to show them the way. If we are going to say this is our church family, then we have to start acting like we truly mean it. Verse 7 says it very clearly, "be an example to them by doing good works of EVERY kind".
Look at part of verse 12 & 13 with me, "We should live in this evil world with wisdom, righteousness, and devotion to God, while we look foward with hope to that wonderful day when the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, will be revealed." (NLT) If I choose to live with wisdom (knowing better) and righteousness (doing what's right) and devotion to God (being worthy of His Word), how many others could I reach for Christ with my example? By just being who I am called to be?
In Titus 2, Paul mentions many of these traits that seem to go more and more by the wayside every day. Let's take a look at a few that really jumped off the page to me....
Verse 2 talks about 2 that are HUGE in my opinion....self-control and being worthy of respect. Real zingers, right?! If more people acted with self control in today's world, what a different place it would be. I try to instill in our girls the idea that they shouldn't need me to always say "that's not a good idea". At a certain point they should be able to say, I beat this is a bad idea, maybe I shouldn't do that. And they are starting to understand that. They're not prefect, they make mistakes and need reminding, but they are learning. It amazes me how many adults can't say the same. Having self control could literally change the world. Knowing their own hot buttons and then realizing how to avoid them could greatly affect someone's life. Don't you think? Exercising self control is not in the normal human nature though. It has to be a conscious choice that we make every day. Deserving respect sort of goes hand in hand with that, doesn't it? A friend of mine used to always tell their kids "act like you are somebody". If you want respect, act like you are the type of person who deserves it. Bottom line is be someone who gives respect to be worthy of respect. Are you always going to get it back in return from the person you gave it to? Nope, but so what, doesn't matter, you should still give it. Act like you deserve the respect you desire by showing it to everyone you come in contact with.
Paul then talks about how the older woman should take younger women under their wings. To teach them how to live a life that is worthy and honors God. To show them how to love their husbands and their children in the right way. How to take care of their homes, and their families, and to not bring shame on the word of God. Does this happen today? I don't think it does. Everyone is so "busy", we always seem to miss out on what I believe should be a huge part of our churches today. We use the term "church family" very freely, but do we really live that way? Church should be a place where we can all learn from each other, and not just on Sunday, and not just about church stuff. People know how to behave in church....they need to know what to do the rest of the week! When you get home and the kids start acting like they have lost their minds, that's when you need to know how to act, how to still be a Christian mother and wife. You need someone to show you how to be able to still be salt and light in your household when you feel like the walls are caving in and everyone in your house has gone completely bonkers! Church is about every day relationships, not just corporate worship on Sunday morning. So many women are longing for someone to just come along side of them, to stand in the gap with them, to support them, to show them the way. If we are going to say this is our church family, then we have to start acting like we truly mean it. Verse 7 says it very clearly, "be an example to them by doing good works of EVERY kind".
Look at part of verse 12 & 13 with me, "We should live in this evil world with wisdom, righteousness, and devotion to God, while we look foward with hope to that wonderful day when the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, will be revealed." (NLT) If I choose to live with wisdom (knowing better) and righteousness (doing what's right) and devotion to God (being worthy of His Word), how many others could I reach for Christ with my example? By just being who I am called to be?
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Back in the saddle
So for a while I have felt the gentle tug to start writing again. Even felt a slight nudge to start with a few blogs about the book of Titus. Been then today I got the swift kick in the bootie to get started. I went to have lunch with Dean today, and walked into his office. Meet a very nice lady that I knew of by name, but never met her face to face. The first thing she said when Dean introduced me was how much she loved reading my blog, and hadn't been able to read it in a while. The Holy Spirit really convicted me about not writing and sharing in a long time....so here I am. :) My entire goal is to show other women that we can make mistakes, have a hard time, even get mad, but at the end of the day we still have an unconditional love from God that can ease all our hearth aches, fears, and pains. So here we go again.....
There are soooo many good nuggets to talk about just in the first few verses of Titus!!! There's one main point to the entire chapter, but here are a few little aside points that I gotta mention first (and I won't even charge you extra. LOL!)
In the very first few words in the NLT version, Paul says he is "a slave of God". Oh wow! Isn't that an awesome thought? I have to say I don't always put myself in that position with God, even if I want to. To do whatever He says, whenever He says, however He says to do it. I would love to be so in tune with His voice that I could even attempt to do that. Then to be willing to do it no questions asked. Not going to lie, that's a toughie.
Then in verse 2, Paul slips in a little extra bit too...He talks about having the confidence that they have eternal life because God promised it before the world began. But he slides in there....oh yeah, by the way, He doesn't lie. LOVE IT!!!! I hate that we have to be reminded of that sometimes, but I am so happy that Paul took a moment to remind us again. I know for me if God makes me a promise, and He doesn't fulfill it right away, I assume that means it's not going to happen. We all know what assuming does, right? I always felt if it didn't happen in the way I wanted, or in the time I expected, it just wasn't going to happen at all. Well...
GOD DOESN'T LIE....EVER! It's not in His nature. It's sin, and He has no sin. I just have to be patient and trusting enough to know that He will stay true to His word, ALWAYS!
And there's a doozey in verse 3 too that I love!! Paul says "It is by the command of God our Savior that I have been entrusted with this work for Him." First of all, it's a command that I spread the word....but I love that he also says that God ENTRUSTED me with such important work too. Bottom line is someone's eternal life depends on me being willing to open my mouth and share what God has done in my life. That's all. I don't have to be a scholar, or an amazing writer, or a wonderful speaker...I just have to be me, and tell my story.
Now on to the main point....and it can be summed up in just a few words....you can't just talk the talk, you gotta walk the walk. If I tell all my friends they have to follow Jesus and do what's right and turn away from sin.....but then I bad talk about my husband during lunch, or cuss like a sailor, or drive like a maniac and flip people the bird, or hang out at the bar Saturday night and miss church Sunday morning....my testimony is SHOT! They think if I supposedly "have Jesus" and still act like that, I don't look any different than them. So why would they want to change? WORDS ARE CHEAP! The world has to see something different in me....in my walk, my voice, my tone, my attitude, my words, my demeanor. If Jesus truly fills me, then it should be bubbling over in me so much that people can't help but see Him in me. Then they will want to see what all the fuss is about. Why is she so happy all the time? Why is she always talking about being blessed? Why does she always have a spring in her step and a smile on her face? Then when they ask me....I only have to say one word....JESUS!!! Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words ever could.
Titus 1:16 (NLT) "Such people claim they know God, but they deny Him by the way they live. They are detestable and disobedient, worthless for doing anything good."
even better version....
Titus 1:16 (MSG) "They say they know God, but their actions speak louder than their words. They're real creeps, disobedient good-for-nothings."
OUCH!! I don't want to be that kind of Christian. I want people to know me and my God because of who I am through Him, not just what I say I am.
There are soooo many good nuggets to talk about just in the first few verses of Titus!!! There's one main point to the entire chapter, but here are a few little aside points that I gotta mention first (and I won't even charge you extra. LOL!)
In the very first few words in the NLT version, Paul says he is "a slave of God". Oh wow! Isn't that an awesome thought? I have to say I don't always put myself in that position with God, even if I want to. To do whatever He says, whenever He says, however He says to do it. I would love to be so in tune with His voice that I could even attempt to do that. Then to be willing to do it no questions asked. Not going to lie, that's a toughie.
Then in verse 2, Paul slips in a little extra bit too...He talks about having the confidence that they have eternal life because God promised it before the world began. But he slides in there....oh yeah, by the way, He doesn't lie. LOVE IT!!!! I hate that we have to be reminded of that sometimes, but I am so happy that Paul took a moment to remind us again. I know for me if God makes me a promise, and He doesn't fulfill it right away, I assume that means it's not going to happen. We all know what assuming does, right? I always felt if it didn't happen in the way I wanted, or in the time I expected, it just wasn't going to happen at all. Well...
GOD DOESN'T LIE....EVER! It's not in His nature. It's sin, and He has no sin. I just have to be patient and trusting enough to know that He will stay true to His word, ALWAYS!
And there's a doozey in verse 3 too that I love!! Paul says "It is by the command of God our Savior that I have been entrusted with this work for Him." First of all, it's a command that I spread the word....but I love that he also says that God ENTRUSTED me with such important work too. Bottom line is someone's eternal life depends on me being willing to open my mouth and share what God has done in my life. That's all. I don't have to be a scholar, or an amazing writer, or a wonderful speaker...I just have to be me, and tell my story.
Now on to the main point....and it can be summed up in just a few words....you can't just talk the talk, you gotta walk the walk. If I tell all my friends they have to follow Jesus and do what's right and turn away from sin.....but then I bad talk about my husband during lunch, or cuss like a sailor, or drive like a maniac and flip people the bird, or hang out at the bar Saturday night and miss church Sunday morning....my testimony is SHOT! They think if I supposedly "have Jesus" and still act like that, I don't look any different than them. So why would they want to change? WORDS ARE CHEAP! The world has to see something different in me....in my walk, my voice, my tone, my attitude, my words, my demeanor. If Jesus truly fills me, then it should be bubbling over in me so much that people can't help but see Him in me. Then they will want to see what all the fuss is about. Why is she so happy all the time? Why is she always talking about being blessed? Why does she always have a spring in her step and a smile on her face? Then when they ask me....I only have to say one word....JESUS!!! Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words ever could.
Titus 1:16 (NLT) "Such people claim they know God, but they deny Him by the way they live. They are detestable and disobedient, worthless for doing anything good."
even better version....
Titus 1:16 (MSG) "They say they know God, but their actions speak louder than their words. They're real creeps, disobedient good-for-nothings."
OUCH!! I don't want to be that kind of Christian. I want people to know me and my God because of who I am through Him, not just what I say I am.
Saturday, May 24, 2014
A game of chess
Recently, when talking about why God allowed pain in our lives, someone said to me that life was like a game of chess between God and satan. A game that God ALWAYS is one step ahead, and ALWAYS wins, but satan tries none the less to out maneuver God every turn. At first, that analogy made sense to me. I was ok with it. And then.....
I thought about it more and more (because the devil was poking me, and I know this NOW, but I didn't then) It started to eat at me. The idea that I was just a pawn in someone's cruel game. One makes a move to the right, and the other makes a move in the other direction. Then He counters with another good move, and he counters with a backwards move. Those of you who know me, know that I am very independent, and the idea of being a pawn did not sit well with me at all. So I was struggling with it, no doubt about it. I mean I know in my head that every move God made with my life was done with the greatest good for me in mind, and I knew that in the end He would win. But why would He allow me to be pushed in a different direction that He had intended? Why would He let someone else have any say? Why would He sit back and watch as satan manipulated me? It really upset me.
But then here's what I realized, God has the path for me already determined, already set out in front of me, already destined. But I keep allowing satan to lure me off the path. I let LIFE get in my way....studying, kids acting up, business, frustration, sickness, sadness, being too busy, being overwhelmed....you name it, it distracts me. And oh boy does satan knows my hot buttons (better than I do even). He sees how easy it is to whisper one of those little things in my ear, very quietly, so that I CHOOSE to lean his way, and IGNORE the path God has laid before me. Every time I let the devil distract me off course...it's not an evil game of chess between enemies, but in a loving way, God gently guides me back on HIS track.
Satan talks, walks, sounds, looks like an angel....so it's very easy to be misguided by him. HE KNOWS THAT, AND USES IT TO HIS ADVANTAGE! So why don't I recognize his tactics from a mile away? They don't change...you know why? Because they work every stinkin' time! Why would he change? What has to change? The fact that I LET him get to me. I let him convince me that I'm not enough, or I'm not worthy, or not deserving, or not able, or too old, or too WHATEVER....all he has to do is whisper in my ear, and I listen. God is sitting there screaming my name, asking me to come the other direction, and all satan does is whisper and I take off on a path that is made solely to steal, kill, and destroy.
Last night in a very intense time of prayer with friends, my chest started to ache during prayer. I mean seriously hurting, to the point of scaring me. And the picture I got in my head of what was going on was crystal clear. (If you watch Once Upon a Time, you will understand this picture) I saw satan with his hand inside my chest, his hand gripped around my heart, and he was desperately trying to pull it out of my chest. He very easily got his hand in (because I let him through the whispers!) I gave him the right to lay claim to a part of who I am by listening to his junk. But every time he tried to jerk his hand back out of my chest with my heart in his hand, it wouldn't come out. And it hurt! (in that TV show, if someone rips out your heart they control what you do and say, and if they crush it... you die) I kept feeling him tugging violently over and over. I couldn't figure out why it hurt so bad. And as clear as a bell I heard God tell me that every time I felt that pain, it wasn't just satan tugging outwards....it was God pushing it back in. I let satan in, but God is always there, continuing to push him back out. I'm not a pawn, but a beloved daughter of the Most High God.
Even after the prayer was over, and I calmed down, I asked God why does it always have to hurt, why does it have to be pain? And He said to me, if the pain wasn't there, you wouldn't know there was a battle going on at all.
I thought about it more and more (because the devil was poking me, and I know this NOW, but I didn't then) It started to eat at me. The idea that I was just a pawn in someone's cruel game. One makes a move to the right, and the other makes a move in the other direction. Then He counters with another good move, and he counters with a backwards move. Those of you who know me, know that I am very independent, and the idea of being a pawn did not sit well with me at all. So I was struggling with it, no doubt about it. I mean I know in my head that every move God made with my life was done with the greatest good for me in mind, and I knew that in the end He would win. But why would He allow me to be pushed in a different direction that He had intended? Why would He let someone else have any say? Why would He sit back and watch as satan manipulated me? It really upset me.
But then here's what I realized, God has the path for me already determined, already set out in front of me, already destined. But I keep allowing satan to lure me off the path. I let LIFE get in my way....studying, kids acting up, business, frustration, sickness, sadness, being too busy, being overwhelmed....you name it, it distracts me. And oh boy does satan knows my hot buttons (better than I do even). He sees how easy it is to whisper one of those little things in my ear, very quietly, so that I CHOOSE to lean his way, and IGNORE the path God has laid before me. Every time I let the devil distract me off course...it's not an evil game of chess between enemies, but in a loving way, God gently guides me back on HIS track.
Satan talks, walks, sounds, looks like an angel....so it's very easy to be misguided by him. HE KNOWS THAT, AND USES IT TO HIS ADVANTAGE! So why don't I recognize his tactics from a mile away? They don't change...you know why? Because they work every stinkin' time! Why would he change? What has to change? The fact that I LET him get to me. I let him convince me that I'm not enough, or I'm not worthy, or not deserving, or not able, or too old, or too WHATEVER....all he has to do is whisper in my ear, and I listen. God is sitting there screaming my name, asking me to come the other direction, and all satan does is whisper and I take off on a path that is made solely to steal, kill, and destroy.
Last night in a very intense time of prayer with friends, my chest started to ache during prayer. I mean seriously hurting, to the point of scaring me. And the picture I got in my head of what was going on was crystal clear. (If you watch Once Upon a Time, you will understand this picture) I saw satan with his hand inside my chest, his hand gripped around my heart, and he was desperately trying to pull it out of my chest. He very easily got his hand in (because I let him through the whispers!) I gave him the right to lay claim to a part of who I am by listening to his junk. But every time he tried to jerk his hand back out of my chest with my heart in his hand, it wouldn't come out. And it hurt! (in that TV show, if someone rips out your heart they control what you do and say, and if they crush it... you die) I kept feeling him tugging violently over and over. I couldn't figure out why it hurt so bad. And as clear as a bell I heard God tell me that every time I felt that pain, it wasn't just satan tugging outwards....it was God pushing it back in. I let satan in, but God is always there, continuing to push him back out. I'm not a pawn, but a beloved daughter of the Most High God.
Even after the prayer was over, and I calmed down, I asked God why does it always have to hurt, why does it have to be pain? And He said to me, if the pain wasn't there, you wouldn't know there was a battle going on at all.
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Prompting for the Holy Ghost or a lie from satan???
So today's blog is Dean's suggestion, I was struggling with something and he said that I think clearer and see the truth better when I write, so here it goes.....warning up front, this may be a long one.
I have been wrestling lately with wondering what my ex husband is up to and where he is. I received a phone call last week from a man that we knew about 8 years ago when we lived in SC. The man was a co-worker and friend of my ex's. But to my knowledge, not someone that he stayed in regular contact with after we moved to NC. (to be fair, there were a lot of things my ex did while living here with me that I didn't know about) He called and I saw the number pop up on caller id, I waited expecting him to leave a message....but nothing. It ate at me all day. Maybe he was just calling looking to catch up with John, maybe he was calling to warn me about something, maybe he was calling to let me know something was wrong with John. I couldn't handle the not knowing. So against Dean's preference, I called the number back. The man said that he had been looking for our number for a while, just wanted to catch up with John, said he finally found the number online and decided to call it. I gave him a short version of the history. He said he was sorry to hear that, something he wouldn't have expected from John, asked if the girls were doing ok, and said if I did hear from John again to let him know he was looking for him. On paper it seemed innocent enough, but it just didn't sit right with my spirit. It stirred up concerns and worries that I hadn't felt in a while. Dean completely disagreed with me. Said that I was allowing the devil to poke at me, that I had no reason to fear because God was in control of the situation and I was safe. It upset me because Dean didn't know John, didn't know what it was like here, didn't see the fear. So it's "easier" for him to say to just drop it. I was still feeling uneasy about the whole thing. Dean told me that God was in control, and had the situation in His hands. But my thoughts were that John isn't a believer, has free will, doesn't follow God's commands....so how does that work??
I was trying to not think about it, not let it bother me....but I caught myself changing my daily habits. Getting the tazer out of the drawer and charging it up, locking the front door all the time, watching the girls closer if they are outside in the yard playing, reminding them if he ever showed up not to go with him. I didn't feel like I was living in fear, but being prepared just in case. It reminded me of that old saying that God only helps those that help themselves....well that's what I felt, I didn't feel like I could just sit back and wait for God to handle it. I needed to do what I could to be aware and prepared, but not scared. That made sense to me.
Well, fast forward about a week or so to today....I had sort of quit thinking about it and out of no where while I was driving, it popped into my head to call 2 places. First to call the place where John and the above friend worked, and ask if John worked there again. John always said he wanted to go back and work there again. My concern was that if the guy was calling here, it wasn't to catch up with John, if was FOR John, to see if we still lived here since it was a call to the landline. The second place I wanted to call was the state child support enforcement office, to see if they had any leads on him. At least when they were taking child support from his check, I knew where he was. For over a year and a half now, they can't track him down by his social security number. I mentioned it to Dean, and he immediately rebuked me for listening to the devil's lies. Said to let it go and focus on our family and our future, not the past. I told him I WAS thinking about our family, about keeping the girls and myself safe. He said "You ARE safe. In God's hands and protection. You are to pray for the protection of our family. Not to worry if, and I say IF he ever shows up. That's not your call. God has it under control...HIS control. You need to stop worrying about it. All it does is drive you to a place of fear that God has called you out of. Hear Jesus' voice my love. You aren't given a spirit of fear." Then he suggested that I re-read Psalm 91.
I haven't yet...I wanted to wait until after I wrote the "back story" so it didn't alter my feelings until they were written down. I still don't feel like this is fear. I feel like I am supposed to be ready for the battle as best I can, then God can fill in where I can't. So my question is how do I know if this random thought today was a prompting from the Holy Spirit to get ready....or a lie straight from the pit of hell just to distract and scare me? How do I know?
So I just read Psalm 91, and balled like a baby!! There are some things there that I want to claim, but I'll get to that in a minute. Here's the big thing...TRUST. Verse 2 says "This I declare about the Lord:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him." Do I really know what trust is? Lots of people in my life have let me down, people I trusted with my heart. Do I fully trust God? Do I even know how to trust Him completely? Because I trusted God before, and He allowed me and my girls to be hurt. So what keeps that from happening again? So why shouldn't I do everything I can to be prepared? How do I trust Him completely? Why should I trust Him to just handle it?
I have been wrestling lately with wondering what my ex husband is up to and where he is. I received a phone call last week from a man that we knew about 8 years ago when we lived in SC. The man was a co-worker and friend of my ex's. But to my knowledge, not someone that he stayed in regular contact with after we moved to NC. (to be fair, there were a lot of things my ex did while living here with me that I didn't know about) He called and I saw the number pop up on caller id, I waited expecting him to leave a message....but nothing. It ate at me all day. Maybe he was just calling looking to catch up with John, maybe he was calling to warn me about something, maybe he was calling to let me know something was wrong with John. I couldn't handle the not knowing. So against Dean's preference, I called the number back. The man said that he had been looking for our number for a while, just wanted to catch up with John, said he finally found the number online and decided to call it. I gave him a short version of the history. He said he was sorry to hear that, something he wouldn't have expected from John, asked if the girls were doing ok, and said if I did hear from John again to let him know he was looking for him. On paper it seemed innocent enough, but it just didn't sit right with my spirit. It stirred up concerns and worries that I hadn't felt in a while. Dean completely disagreed with me. Said that I was allowing the devil to poke at me, that I had no reason to fear because God was in control of the situation and I was safe. It upset me because Dean didn't know John, didn't know what it was like here, didn't see the fear. So it's "easier" for him to say to just drop it. I was still feeling uneasy about the whole thing. Dean told me that God was in control, and had the situation in His hands. But my thoughts were that John isn't a believer, has free will, doesn't follow God's commands....so how does that work??
I was trying to not think about it, not let it bother me....but I caught myself changing my daily habits. Getting the tazer out of the drawer and charging it up, locking the front door all the time, watching the girls closer if they are outside in the yard playing, reminding them if he ever showed up not to go with him. I didn't feel like I was living in fear, but being prepared just in case. It reminded me of that old saying that God only helps those that help themselves....well that's what I felt, I didn't feel like I could just sit back and wait for God to handle it. I needed to do what I could to be aware and prepared, but not scared. That made sense to me.
Well, fast forward about a week or so to today....I had sort of quit thinking about it and out of no where while I was driving, it popped into my head to call 2 places. First to call the place where John and the above friend worked, and ask if John worked there again. John always said he wanted to go back and work there again. My concern was that if the guy was calling here, it wasn't to catch up with John, if was FOR John, to see if we still lived here since it was a call to the landline. The second place I wanted to call was the state child support enforcement office, to see if they had any leads on him. At least when they were taking child support from his check, I knew where he was. For over a year and a half now, they can't track him down by his social security number. I mentioned it to Dean, and he immediately rebuked me for listening to the devil's lies. Said to let it go and focus on our family and our future, not the past. I told him I WAS thinking about our family, about keeping the girls and myself safe. He said "You ARE safe. In God's hands and protection. You are to pray for the protection of our family. Not to worry if, and I say IF he ever shows up. That's not your call. God has it under control...HIS control. You need to stop worrying about it. All it does is drive you to a place of fear that God has called you out of. Hear Jesus' voice my love. You aren't given a spirit of fear." Then he suggested that I re-read Psalm 91.
I haven't yet...I wanted to wait until after I wrote the "back story" so it didn't alter my feelings until they were written down. I still don't feel like this is fear. I feel like I am supposed to be ready for the battle as best I can, then God can fill in where I can't. So my question is how do I know if this random thought today was a prompting from the Holy Spirit to get ready....or a lie straight from the pit of hell just to distract and scare me? How do I know?
So I just read Psalm 91, and balled like a baby!! There are some things there that I want to claim, but I'll get to that in a minute. Here's the big thing...TRUST. Verse 2 says "This I declare about the Lord:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him." Do I really know what trust is? Lots of people in my life have let me down, people I trusted with my heart. Do I fully trust God? Do I even know how to trust Him completely? Because I trusted God before, and He allowed me and my girls to be hurt. So what keeps that from happening again? So why shouldn't I do everything I can to be prepared? How do I trust Him completely? Why should I trust Him to just handle it?
Here's an example...I believe God will provide for believers. He makes money come from nowhere sometimes. BUT, I don't think He would if I was blowing all my bill money on shoes every week instead of buying groceries. To me the same thing applies here. I can't just sit around oblivious with my head in the sand, and expect God to just handle it...can I? What's the difference?
I do trust God....but I also trust in the abilities and discernment I have, because it was given to me FROM HIM! How can that be wrong?? I am honestly asking for answers, if anyone reading this has a different perspective please message me, here or privately. But here's a disclaimer, I will try with everything in me to read it and truly HEAR it. I have a hard time sometimes hearing someone else's thoughts on my situation because in my mind they haven't been in my shoes, so it's not fair to say how easy it is to see it differently. So I promise to hear it with love and understanding, if you promise to offer it with love and understanding.
So with my current understanding and trust in God, I declare.....
He will rescue me from every trap. (verse 3)
His faithful promises are my armor. (verse 4)
I will not dread anything, day or night. (verse 6)
These evils will not touch me or my children. (verse 7)
No evil will conquer me. (verse 10)
No plague will come near my house. (verse 10)
Angels will protect us anywhere we go. (verse 11)
He will rescue and protect us. (verse 14)
verse 15 says He will be with me in trouble....but why can't we just avoid trouble all together? I know He never promised us a life without issues or problems, I get that. But if I see trouble coming, why can't I walk a big circle around it to avoid it? Why can't my eyes be open enough and my spirit be aware enough to avoid some of the issues? Do I just sit back, not think about it, and wait for God to handle it for me?
I believe You will do all these things just as you said, I really do. But right now, God I ask you to show me what You want me to do? I want to trust You more. I want to believe that there is nothing to worry about. Show me....please.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
I know it's been a little while....
Ok, I know it's been a little while, but there is A LOT going on at our house lately. Crazy schedules, crazier teenagers, studying, tests, sickness, spring breaks, and the list goes on. So I am a little preoccupied and overwhelmed. BUT, today God overwhelmed me with HIM, so I had to share. Here it goes....
I don't always listen so well when God speaks, simply because I can't always slow down and be quiet enough to hear His voice. So many, many, many times when He has something to say to me He either shows me a picture, or speaks to me through song. Well today....He did BOTH all at once. Isn't He amazing?!
Anyways, the picture was beautiful, and almost indescribable. I looked up into the sky as I was coming up the mountain through the gorge, and saw the most beautiful site. The sky was a gorgeous shade of blue, but there were tons of clouds moving so quickly across the sky. I couldn't believe how quickly the clouds were moving. I was literally mesmerized by the sight. I had my sunglasses on because it had been sunny, but since the clouds were dark and moving in so fast, all of a sudden it seemed darker. As beautiful as it was, then the really pretty part showed up. The sun that seemed to be covered by the clouds all of a sudden broke through the clouds. You could see the rays burst through. Big wide bands of light forcing their way through the clouds. The picture was amazing enough, but then God said "LOOK Libby!" The SON was forcing His way through the storms/clouds of my life. No matter how dark it seems ever, HE can always SHINE through. AND, the storms looking from a distance moved really fast. My storms that seem to overtake my life, are just a little blip on Jesus' timeline.
Once I got a hold of myself....then I noticed the song on the radio. It was "You are I Am" by MercyMe.
Check out the words....
I don't always listen so well when God speaks, simply because I can't always slow down and be quiet enough to hear His voice. So many, many, many times when He has something to say to me He either shows me a picture, or speaks to me through song. Well today....He did BOTH all at once. Isn't He amazing?!
Anyways, the picture was beautiful, and almost indescribable. I looked up into the sky as I was coming up the mountain through the gorge, and saw the most beautiful site. The sky was a gorgeous shade of blue, but there were tons of clouds moving so quickly across the sky. I couldn't believe how quickly the clouds were moving. I was literally mesmerized by the sight. I had my sunglasses on because it had been sunny, but since the clouds were dark and moving in so fast, all of a sudden it seemed darker. As beautiful as it was, then the really pretty part showed up. The sun that seemed to be covered by the clouds all of a sudden broke through the clouds. You could see the rays burst through. Big wide bands of light forcing their way through the clouds. The picture was amazing enough, but then God said "LOOK Libby!" The SON was forcing His way through the storms/clouds of my life. No matter how dark it seems ever, HE can always SHINE through. AND, the storms looking from a distance moved really fast. My storms that seem to overtake my life, are just a little blip on Jesus' timeline.
Once I got a hold of myself....then I noticed the song on the radio. It was "You are I Am" by MercyMe.
Check out the words....
I've been the one to shake with fear
And wonder if You're even here
I've been the one to doubt Your love
I've told myself You're not enough
I've been the one to try and say
I'll overcome by my own shame
I've been the one to fall apart
And start to question who You are
You're the one who conquers giants
You're the one who calls out kings
You shut the mouths of lions
You tell the dead to breathe
You're the one who walks through fire
You take the orphan's hand
You are the one Messiah
You are I am
You are I am
I've been the one held down in chains
Beneath the weight of all my shame
I've been the one to believe
That where I am You cannot reach
You're the one who conquers giants
You're the one who calls out kings
You shut the mouths of lions
You tell the dead to breathe
You're the one who walks through fire
You take the orphan's hand
You are the one Messiah
You are I am
You are I am
The veil is torn
And now I live with the Spirit inside
The same one, the very same one
Who brought the Son back to life
Hallelujah, He lives in me
Hallelujah, He lives in me
Hallelujah, He lives in me
Hallelujah, He lives in me
And wonder if You're even here
I've been the one to doubt Your love
I've told myself You're not enough
I've been the one to try and say
I'll overcome by my own shame
I've been the one to fall apart
And start to question who You are
You're the one who conquers giants
You're the one who calls out kings
You shut the mouths of lions
You tell the dead to breathe
You're the one who walks through fire
You take the orphan's hand
You are the one Messiah
You are I am
You are I am
I've been the one held down in chains
Beneath the weight of all my shame
I've been the one to believe
That where I am You cannot reach
You're the one who conquers giants
You're the one who calls out kings
You shut the mouths of lions
You tell the dead to breathe
You're the one who walks through fire
You take the orphan's hand
You are the one Messiah
You are I am
You are I am
The veil is torn
And now I live with the Spirit inside
The same one, the very same one
Who brought the Son back to life
Hallelujah, He lives in me
Hallelujah, He lives in me
Hallelujah, He lives in me
Hallelujah, He lives in me
All of that was true for me at some point in my life. I questioned if He was there, or listening, or paying attention, or cared about me at all. I was one who was held down by the chains of my shame, my past, my crap. I believed I was out of His reach. Just because I forgot who He was. Let's look at that chorus again...
He conquered giants....so why wouldn't He be able to deal with my LITTLE mess?
He calls out kings...so why shouldn't I trust the call on my life?
He shut the mouths of lions....so why wouldn't I believe that He could close the mouths of my accusers?
He tells the dead to breath....so why wouldn't He heal my broken or hurting heart?
He walked through fire....and I think my mess is too much for Him?
He takes the orphan's hand....so why wouldn't I believe that He would want to reach out to me and draw me in?
You are I am....my literal mind couldn't compute that at first, but He is my everything, then, now, and forever. Hallelujah, He lives in me!!! Thank you Lord!!!
Sunday, March 30, 2014
New Direction
I was politely reminded by a friend and my husband today that I need to still be writing. I have a blog idea brewing in my head, so here's a glimpse of my idea. I want to take apart and decide how I feel about some of the typical religious sayings, statements, and phrases. Find out if they are biblical correct, and decide how they apply to life today.
Here are a couple of the ideas that I had so far....
God won't give me more than I can handle.
Church...is it a building or the people?
I know who I am....but do I really?
I am chosen, I am free. (but do I live that way?)
I am healed. (even if I don't see it yet.)
To be salt and light in the world.
Being appointed to bear fruit.
These are just a few of the ideas running around in my head. Here's where this direction is going to be a little different....I want to hear from you too. I want your ideas of things that you have always heard, but was never really sure what they meant. Then, as I start to explore the ideas, I want to hear your feedback, I want to know what you think, whether you agree or disagree with me. This can be like an online bible study, interactive, a conversation. For the handful of people that actually read and interact, I thank you in advance. This is going to be fun!!!
First post coming soon....
Here are a couple of the ideas that I had so far....
God won't give me more than I can handle.
Church...is it a building or the people?
I know who I am....but do I really?
I am chosen, I am free. (but do I live that way?)
I am healed. (even if I don't see it yet.)
To be salt and light in the world.
Being appointed to bear fruit.
These are just a few of the ideas running around in my head. Here's where this direction is going to be a little different....I want to hear from you too. I want your ideas of things that you have always heard, but was never really sure what they meant. Then, as I start to explore the ideas, I want to hear your feedback, I want to know what you think, whether you agree or disagree with me. This can be like an online bible study, interactive, a conversation. For the handful of people that actually read and interact, I thank you in advance. This is going to be fun!!!
First post coming soon....
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
"Final" healing
Trying to wrap up my testimony is proving to be more difficult for me than I expected. I mean, I know that truly my story, my blessings from God, will never end...but I felt like it was time to move on to other writing topics. I wanted to explain my happy "ending"....
So I decided to talk about something that happened very recently for me. I thought I had long moved past my issues. And I had, I am happy in my life, secure in my place, and sure of my God and His protection. I don't look back and worry. I don't walk around scared anymore. I don't even really think about it very much. But one day it church...it bubbled up.
It was a regular Sunday morning and we had a prayer line at the end of service. I was engaged in it, felt the spirit in the room, it was thick for sure. But I wasn't overwhelmed with it really. Pastor was praying over Dean and I as a couple, just asking for more of His Presence for us, blessing us. It was wonderful. But then pastor said something to the effect of heal any scars on their hearts, heal any brokenness, heal any self doubt. And I literally started to fall to pieces. I started weeping. The brokenness felt so fierce all of a sudden. I could hardly bare it. What was happening around me got sort of blurry at this point. I remember being hugged. A hug like I have never felt before. I felt like God himself had His arms around me, and was keeping me from falling to the ground, no matter how much I wanted to give into the pain I felt. I stayed in those arms for what seemed like an hour, just heaving with tears streaming down my face. I could hear a voice speaking over me, but couldn't always understand the words. I couldn't stop crying. I slowly started to calm down some, and leaned back to see who I was hugging. It was a different person than was originally praying with Dean and I. She asked me to place my hand over my heart, and continued to pray. She asked God to heal any remaining holes in my heart, to fill them with His love, and to seal them shut so that they can't hurt me any longer. She then asked if she could pray over me in the spirit, and I said yes of course. Understand, I have had people pray with me in the spirit before, but in small doses, a phrase or two repeated, but nothing like this. One of my favorite passages in the bible is about how God sings over us, and that is exactly what happened that day. Her words, her prayer language, in my ear was the most beautiful song I had ever heard. God whispered the most beautiful melody to me through her. It gave me peace and healing, when I didn't even realize I needed it. It was amazing. Incredible. I felt more love in those moments than I could ever explain in words. It was beautiful. But here's the thing...I didn't even realize I was still hurting at all.
My title to this post was final healing, but is that truly possible? I think God heals us in little bits. I don't think I could have handled or understood that level of healing even a few months ago. I wasn't close enough with God until that very moment to let Him love on me like that. If someone had tried to pray with me like that a year ago, I wouldn't have been able to receive it, it would have been wasted breaths. When am I ever going to understand that God knows me, and knows what I am ready for, and knows how far He can push me? A heart that I thought was healed and full of Him...He showed me just how much more that He has to give. Something that my mind can't even begin to wrap around. And the best part is...I don't think He's done yet. Hear me, that doesn't mean that I don't think I am healed of my past yet...but I don't think I can begin to fathom the healing that He can offer still. He is my Jehovah Rapha. He is my healer. He is my strength. He is my fortress. He is my safe place. He is my Daddy. And He is a GOOD DADDY. Ask me...and I will be happy to tell you just how good He is.
So I decided to talk about something that happened very recently for me. I thought I had long moved past my issues. And I had, I am happy in my life, secure in my place, and sure of my God and His protection. I don't look back and worry. I don't walk around scared anymore. I don't even really think about it very much. But one day it church...it bubbled up.
It was a regular Sunday morning and we had a prayer line at the end of service. I was engaged in it, felt the spirit in the room, it was thick for sure. But I wasn't overwhelmed with it really. Pastor was praying over Dean and I as a couple, just asking for more of His Presence for us, blessing us. It was wonderful. But then pastor said something to the effect of heal any scars on their hearts, heal any brokenness, heal any self doubt. And I literally started to fall to pieces. I started weeping. The brokenness felt so fierce all of a sudden. I could hardly bare it. What was happening around me got sort of blurry at this point. I remember being hugged. A hug like I have never felt before. I felt like God himself had His arms around me, and was keeping me from falling to the ground, no matter how much I wanted to give into the pain I felt. I stayed in those arms for what seemed like an hour, just heaving with tears streaming down my face. I could hear a voice speaking over me, but couldn't always understand the words. I couldn't stop crying. I slowly started to calm down some, and leaned back to see who I was hugging. It was a different person than was originally praying with Dean and I. She asked me to place my hand over my heart, and continued to pray. She asked God to heal any remaining holes in my heart, to fill them with His love, and to seal them shut so that they can't hurt me any longer. She then asked if she could pray over me in the spirit, and I said yes of course. Understand, I have had people pray with me in the spirit before, but in small doses, a phrase or two repeated, but nothing like this. One of my favorite passages in the bible is about how God sings over us, and that is exactly what happened that day. Her words, her prayer language, in my ear was the most beautiful song I had ever heard. God whispered the most beautiful melody to me through her. It gave me peace and healing, when I didn't even realize I needed it. It was amazing. Incredible. I felt more love in those moments than I could ever explain in words. It was beautiful. But here's the thing...I didn't even realize I was still hurting at all.
My title to this post was final healing, but is that truly possible? I think God heals us in little bits. I don't think I could have handled or understood that level of healing even a few months ago. I wasn't close enough with God until that very moment to let Him love on me like that. If someone had tried to pray with me like that a year ago, I wouldn't have been able to receive it, it would have been wasted breaths. When am I ever going to understand that God knows me, and knows what I am ready for, and knows how far He can push me? A heart that I thought was healed and full of Him...He showed me just how much more that He has to give. Something that my mind can't even begin to wrap around. And the best part is...I don't think He's done yet. Hear me, that doesn't mean that I don't think I am healed of my past yet...but I don't think I can begin to fathom the healing that He can offer still. He is my Jehovah Rapha. He is my healer. He is my strength. He is my fortress. He is my safe place. He is my Daddy. And He is a GOOD DADDY. Ask me...and I will be happy to tell you just how good He is.
Picking up the pieces of pottery
Psalm 31:14-18 (NLT)
"But I am trusting you, O Lord, saying "You are my God!" My future is in your hands. Rescue me from those who hunt me down relentlessly. Let your favor shine on your servant. In your unfailing love, rescue me. Don't let me be disgraced, O Lord, for I call out to you for help. Let the wicked be disgraced; let them lie silent in the grave. Silence their lying lips - those proud and arrogant lips that accuse the godly."
"But I am trusting you, O Lord, saying "You are my God!" My future is in your hands. Rescue me from those who hunt me down relentlessly. Let your favor shine on your servant. In your unfailing love, rescue me. Don't let me be disgraced, O Lord, for I call out to you for help. Let the wicked be disgraced; let them lie silent in the grave. Silence their lying lips - those proud and arrogant lips that accuse the godly."
There it is....finally stopping in my tracks and saying ok God, I can't do this alone. In fact, I can't do it at all. I had to come to a broken moment where I had to give it over to Him completely before I could move forward a single step. I had to stop the whining and complaining, and make a choice that it was time for something different. Was it easy? Of course not! But it had to be done for things to change.
This Psalm is sooooo my testimony! It blows my mind every time I go back and read it.
I handed my future over to God...I gave up on "finding" the guy, and let God bring him to me.
Rescue me from those who hunt me down....I was able to let go of the fear that John would come back one day for revenge, even though that does sneak in on me occasionally.
Let your favor shine on your servant...SERVANT, so for me I realized that I had to be a servant, share my story to help others, reach out to women who were hurting too, in order to receive His favor for my life. It still amazes me every day the women that God puts in my path that needs to here a story of hope. He opens up the conversation and gives me a perfect way in every time. Blows my mind!
Psalm 31:19-24
"How great is the goodness you have stores up for those who fear you. You lavish it on those who come to you for protection, blessing them before the watching world.You hide them in the shelter of your presence, safe from those who conspire against them. You shelter them in your presence, far from accusing tongues. Praise the Lord, for he has shown me the wonders of his unfailing love. He kept me safe when my city was under attack. In a panic I cried out, :I am cut off from the Lord!" But you heard my cry for mercy and answered my call for help. Love the Lord, all you godly ones! For the Lord protects those who are loyal to him, but he harshly punishes the arrogant. So be strong and courageous, all you who put your hope in the Lord!"
I love this part...now that we have cried and cried, got out of our pity party, and asked God to rescue us.....here are all the wonderful things He has lined up for us!!!
Here are some of my favs....
LAVISH....yeah, I know it's only one word, but I still love it. He doesn't just show us goodness, or offer it to us, or give it to us, but He LAVISHES His goodness over anyone who comes to Him for protection. Amazing in my eyes! That's a big promise!
As if that's not enough, He BLESSES us before a world that is watching. I promise that if you don't think people are watching, you are wrong! Everyone is watching to see what the God that you claim to love and follow is going to do for you. SO God gets all the glory for being a good God, but we still get blessed! How awesome is that???
Is anything better than His presence? Just in these few verses, it hides us from nay sayers, keeps us safe, and acts as a shelter for us every day.
My favorite is He kept me safe when my city was under attack...my mind was completely under attack, that was the "city" I was stuck in. But once I invited Him into my city, once I cried out for His mercy...He came to my rescue, and agreed to keep me safe always.
So after all of that I can stand strong and full of courage, knowing that the Lord is always by my side. He is now and forever my hope!
Finishing up the story
I took a few days off from writing, but my loving hubby keeps encouraging me to finish the story. There are 3 reasons....First, we are going on vacation tomorrow, and I know I won't write while in Florida. Second, I need to finish the story because God is already giving me ideas for other things to write. Third, God has a plan for my writing, and I know that, so I need to keep pressing forward. So my plan is to write a few blogs today and post them all, including finishing my in depth look at Psalm 31 (my theme chapter for my testimony) and a final blog about my story.
Psalm 31:9-13
"Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief. My life is consumed by anguish and my years by groaning; my strength fails because of my affliction, and my bones grow weak. Because of all my enemies, I am the utter contempt of my neighbors and an object of dread to my closest friends - those who see me on the street flee from me. I am forgotten as though I were dead; I have become broken like pottery. For I hear many whispering, "Terror on every side!" They conspire against me and plot to take my life."
WOW....this section almost makes me giggle. I can just picture God up in heaven looking down watching me wallering in my junk. Just having a little pity party all by myself. (and I did for quite a while!) He is sitting up there just waiting for me to be done. Wondering if I will get over myself, and let Him pull me out of the pit that life/circumstances/myself put me in. But we've all been there, haven't we? I know that I have. You take your eyes off Jesus and put them on your circumstances, and you lose your focus.There are some strong depressing words in those few verses."My life is CONSUMED by ANGUISH"...that's not just saying that I am a little sad, but consumed! And with anguish! That's a serious pity party. And look in the next sentence...my strength FAILS because of my affliction. What's that says to me is that I have taken my eyes so far off of Jesus (my STRENGTH) that I feel like it has left me because of my pain. That's just not possible! Jesus NEVERS leaves you....but I do believe that sometimes He will be quiet to give me time to get my focus back on the right things. I always go back to the fact that God is a gentleman, He is never going to push himself on me or anyone else for that matter. He is always there for us, but only if we want Him to be. I don't have to pull myself out of the pit...but I do have to stop feeling sorry for myself and look up to HIM, and then He will pull me out.
One sort of aside that I would like to say about this section is about friends and family along your path, and there are 2 parts to it. First, don't be so miserable in your mess that no one wants to be around you. I've been there, it's really not fun at all, just makes you feel that much more alone. The other side of that is if the people in your life aren't encouraging and trying to help you out of your pit....don't listen to them. Misery DOES NOT need company, it needs a true friend to love you out of that darkness. If you have people in your life that aren't trying to be a part of solution...then they aren't really your friends. Kick them out!
My favorite part of these verses is being broken like a piece of pottery. For so long I tried to hold all my pieces together by myself. I tried using every kind of glue that I could...food, music, my kids, dating, staying busy, work...but none of it really worked. Until the moment that I decided I couldn't hold my pieces together, and let them all fall on the floor like pieces of pottery...was God able to step in and really start putting me back together.
Psalm 31:9-13
"Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief. My life is consumed by anguish and my years by groaning; my strength fails because of my affliction, and my bones grow weak. Because of all my enemies, I am the utter contempt of my neighbors and an object of dread to my closest friends - those who see me on the street flee from me. I am forgotten as though I were dead; I have become broken like pottery. For I hear many whispering, "Terror on every side!" They conspire against me and plot to take my life."
WOW....this section almost makes me giggle. I can just picture God up in heaven looking down watching me wallering in my junk. Just having a little pity party all by myself. (and I did for quite a while!) He is sitting up there just waiting for me to be done. Wondering if I will get over myself, and let Him pull me out of the pit that life/circumstances/myself put me in. But we've all been there, haven't we? I know that I have. You take your eyes off Jesus and put them on your circumstances, and you lose your focus.There are some strong depressing words in those few verses."My life is CONSUMED by ANGUISH"...that's not just saying that I am a little sad, but consumed! And with anguish! That's a serious pity party. And look in the next sentence...my strength FAILS because of my affliction. What's that says to me is that I have taken my eyes so far off of Jesus (my STRENGTH) that I feel like it has left me because of my pain. That's just not possible! Jesus NEVERS leaves you....but I do believe that sometimes He will be quiet to give me time to get my focus back on the right things. I always go back to the fact that God is a gentleman, He is never going to push himself on me or anyone else for that matter. He is always there for us, but only if we want Him to be. I don't have to pull myself out of the pit...but I do have to stop feeling sorry for myself and look up to HIM, and then He will pull me out.
One sort of aside that I would like to say about this section is about friends and family along your path, and there are 2 parts to it. First, don't be so miserable in your mess that no one wants to be around you. I've been there, it's really not fun at all, just makes you feel that much more alone. The other side of that is if the people in your life aren't encouraging and trying to help you out of your pit....don't listen to them. Misery DOES NOT need company, it needs a true friend to love you out of that darkness. If you have people in your life that aren't trying to be a part of solution...then they aren't really your friends. Kick them out!
My favorite part of these verses is being broken like a piece of pottery. For so long I tried to hold all my pieces together by myself. I tried using every kind of glue that I could...food, music, my kids, dating, staying busy, work...but none of it really worked. Until the moment that I decided I couldn't hold my pieces together, and let them all fall on the floor like pieces of pottery...was God able to step in and really start putting me back together.
Monday, March 10, 2014
I will be glad....because I choose to be
Psalm 31:6-8 (NLT)
"I hate those who worship worthless idols. I trust in the Lord. I will be glad and rejoice in your unfailing love, for you have seen my troubles, and you care about the anguish of my soul. You have not handed me over to my enemies but have set me in a safe place."
There are so many great little phrases in those couple of verses, I just love it! Anyone who says the bible is just a book and not HIS LIVING WORD is absolutely crazy. This chapter has touched so deep into my soul, I can't even explain it. I wish that I had seen this chapter years ago. But I can stand here today and see that all His promises in this portion of His Word are real and true. Each line strikes a new chord in my heart. He is always watching, He is always looking out of me, He always cares for me even when I can't see it.
Let's look at this a little closer....
I felt like the beginning part didn't seem to fit when I first read it, but then I looked at it in The Message. "I hate all this silly religion, but in you, God, I trust." I LOVE that! That says so much in just a few words. It's not about my choice of denomination of church to attend, or what version of the bible I read, or whether I sit in a pew or a chair, or we sing hymns or contemporary songs...all that matters is that I have a relationship, a REAL relationship, with HIM! I just have to put my trust completely in Him. Bottom line.
Then I will choose to be glad and rejoice....and yes, I said it is a choice. Every day I choose to be happy with my life. I choose to remember that it could be worse. I choose to know that I am blessed. I choose to have joy in my heart every day. Does that mean I don't have bad days? Of course not, but I still choose to see that good in every day that I have. I could have died that day. My ex had my by the throat so tightly that I truly couldn't breath, I was scared for my life, I thought I would never see my girls again, the next day I had a bruise in the shape of a hand print around my throat. I could have been killed. But God wouldn't allow that. He saved me then, just as He continues to save me for harm today, even ones that I may not even know about. So yes, I choose to be glad and rejoice every day that I can.
Not only do I rejoice....but I rejoice in His unfailing love. Dictionary.com defines unfailing as "not giving way, not falling short of expectation, completely dependable, endless". WOW! Not falling short of expectation....those are some powerful words, don't you think? A love that can never let you down. A love that is always dependable. A love that no matter what you do, will never ever go away.
And if that's not enough, God has seen my troubles and He cares about the anguish of my soul....that thought just warms my heart so much, even today. No matter what it is that upsets me, He cares about it. We constantly try to put God in an earthly sized box, we don't understand how He can be concerned about so many people so deeply at the same time. Here's a thought that stuck out to me lately....you know how if you really have to remember something, you write it on your hand? Whether it's to remember to be somewhere, or a phone number, or to get milk on the way home....that's where you put that things that you absolutely can't forget. Someone reminded me lately that God has MY name written on the palm of His hand. A constant reminder that He needs to remember me. He cares. Did you hear me? HE CARES!
And finally in this short few lines of Psalm 31...He has not handed me to my enemies, but put me in a safe place. For a long time I didn't know what safe even meant. I was afraid so much, that I walked on eggshells continuously to keep the peace. To avoid his anger. But God removed me from the horrible nightmare and put me into a safe place. Not a place with guns for protection, or a place where the ex doesn't exist, or a place where I hide from the world...but a truly safe place, in the arms of a loving Daddy, but also in the arms of a man who loves and protects me every day because God told him to.
So yes, I trust God and take joy every day in the safe place He has put me.
Sunday, March 9, 2014
Psalm 31 study continued...
At first, I was going to move into the next section of Psalm 31, but truly I am still stuck on the idea of God's rescue. I thought of a story today that someone had told me once, and it linked right into this story of rescue.
Think of yourself on the end of a fishing line. God is holding the pole, but He has released the tension. He will let you run as far as you want to go, keeping a close watch on you the entire time. You can run, and run, and run. He never jerks you back against your will. BUT...when you finally let go, relax, and give over control....He will slowly reel you back into His arms. He will always rescue you.
There are plenty of other verses to show that He is ready and willing to come to your rescue....
“When you arrive in your own land and go to war against your enemies who attack you, sound the alarm with the trumpets. Then the Lord your God will remember you and rescue you from your enemies.
1 Samuel 2:1
Then Hannah prayed: “My heart rejoices in the Lord! The Lord has made me strong. Now I have an answer for my enemies; I rejoice because you rescued me.
2 Samuel 22:17
“He reached down from heaven and rescued me; he drew me out of deep waters.
2 Samuel 22:20
He led me to a place of safety; he rescued me because he delights in me.
1 Chronicles 16:35
Cry out, “Save us, O God of our salvation! Gather and rescue us from among the nations, so we can thank your holy name and rejoice and praise you.”
God rescued me from the grave, and now my life is filled with light.’
This just scratches the surface of the times that God came to the rescue. He wants to, He loves you, you are His favorite child, He wants to keep you close and protect you. But here's the thing....you have to be willing to be rescued. You have to want it, and want Him.
I thank God every day that I finally woke up and asked Him to save me. To bring me back to Him. To let me come back to Him. I can only pray that nothing will ever separate us again. Lord, thank you for loving me so.
Saturday, March 8, 2014
The Word still speaks
I was at church the other night, just soaking in His Presence, and He lead me directly to this passage. I believe it is my new favorite chapter! It speaks so loudly to my testimony. So for the next few blog posts, it will be looking over Psalm 31 and talking about what it means to me, and what it can mean to you.
Look through the entire passage, and then we can get started.
Psalm 31 (NLT)
1O Lord, I have come to you for protection;
don’t let me be disgraced.
Save me, for you do what is right.
2 Turn your ear to listen to me;
rescue me quickly.
Be my rock of protection,
a fortress where I will be safe.
3 You are my rock and my fortress.
For the honor of your name, lead me out of this danger.
4 Pull me from the trap my enemies set for me,
for I find protection in you alone.
5 I entrust my spirit into your hand.
Rescue me, Lord, for you are a faithful God.
don’t let me be disgraced.
Save me, for you do what is right.
2 Turn your ear to listen to me;
rescue me quickly.
Be my rock of protection,
a fortress where I will be safe.
3 You are my rock and my fortress.
For the honor of your name, lead me out of this danger.
4 Pull me from the trap my enemies set for me,
for I find protection in you alone.
5 I entrust my spirit into your hand.
Rescue me, Lord, for you are a faithful God.
6 I hate those who worship worthless idols.
I trust in the Lord.
7 I will be glad and rejoice in your unfailing love,
for you have seen my troubles,
and you care about the anguish of my soul.
8 You have not handed me over to my enemies
but have set me in a safe place.
I trust in the Lord.
7 I will be glad and rejoice in your unfailing love,
for you have seen my troubles,
and you care about the anguish of my soul.
8 You have not handed me over to my enemies
but have set me in a safe place.
9 Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am in distress.
Tears blur my eyes.
My body and soul are withering away.
10 I am dying from grief;
my years are shortened by sadness.
Sin has drained my strength;
I am wasting away from within.
11 I am scorned by all my enemies
and despised by my neighbors—
even my friends are afraid to come near me.
When they see me on the street,
they run the other way.
12 I am ignored as if I were dead,
as if I were a broken pot.
13 I have heard the many rumors about me,
and I am surrounded by terror.
My enemies conspire against me,
plotting to take my life.
Tears blur my eyes.
My body and soul are withering away.
10 I am dying from grief;
my years are shortened by sadness.
Sin has drained my strength;
I am wasting away from within.
11 I am scorned by all my enemies
and despised by my neighbors—
even my friends are afraid to come near me.
When they see me on the street,
they run the other way.
12 I am ignored as if I were dead,
as if I were a broken pot.
13 I have heard the many rumors about me,
and I am surrounded by terror.
My enemies conspire against me,
plotting to take my life.
14 But I am trusting you, O Lord,
saying, “You are my God!”
15 My future is in your hands.
Rescue me from those who hunt me down relentlessly.
16 Let your favor shine on your servant.
In your unfailing love, rescue me.
17 Don’t let me be disgraced, O Lord,
for I call out to you for help.
Let the wicked be disgraced;
let them lie silent in the grave.[a]
18 Silence their lying lips—
those proud and arrogant lips that accuse the godly.
saying, “You are my God!”
15 My future is in your hands.
Rescue me from those who hunt me down relentlessly.
16 Let your favor shine on your servant.
In your unfailing love, rescue me.
17 Don’t let me be disgraced, O Lord,
for I call out to you for help.
Let the wicked be disgraced;
let them lie silent in the grave.[a]
18 Silence their lying lips—
those proud and arrogant lips that accuse the godly.
19 How great is the goodness
you have stored up for those who fear you.
You lavish it on those who come to you for protection,
blessing them before the watching world.
20 You hide them in the shelter of your presence,
safe from those who conspire against them.
You shelter them in your presence,
far from accusing tongues.
you have stored up for those who fear you.
You lavish it on those who come to you for protection,
blessing them before the watching world.
20 You hide them in the shelter of your presence,
safe from those who conspire against them.
You shelter them in your presence,
far from accusing tongues.
21 Praise the Lord, for he has shown me the wonders of his unfailing love.
He kept me safe when my city was under attack.
22 In panic I cried out,
“I am cut off from the Lord!”
But you heard my cry for mercy
and answered my call for help.
22 In panic I cried out,
“I am cut off from the Lord!”
But you heard my cry for mercy
and answered my call for help.
23 Love the Lord, all you godly ones!
For the Lord protects those who are loyal to him,
but he harshly punishes the arrogant.
24 So be strong and courageous,
all you who put your hope in the Lord!
For the Lord protects those who are loyal to him,
but he harshly punishes the arrogant.
24 So be strong and courageous,
all you who put your hope in the Lord!
The first place that jumps out to me is in that first section (verses 1-5)....
I have come to you for protection, I run into HIS arms....are you going to the right place for your shelter? I know in the beginning I didn't. Dear sisters, learn from my mistakes please, don't take so long to go to the source of your protection. For me, I felt like the man the I trusted, that supposedly loved me had taken advantage of the trust I had given him. He was supposed to protect me, not be a source of pain to me. So I felt like I had to be my own protection for a change. That didn't work out so well. I had to come around and put my trust in GOD to be my sole source of reprieve. God wanted to be my safe place, my resting spot, my strong tower. We sing those things at church all the time, but do we really believe it or just sing it because it sounds good? (as an aside challenge, this week at Sunday service whenever you go...make it a point to not "just sing" but to truly mean the words from your heart to a beyond worthy God!)
Look at verse 3...for YOUR honor, lead me out of this danger. So when He saved you from whatever it was you were doing, after you begged Him to get you out of it....did you take even a minute to say thank you? I honestly try to keep my focus there when I am telling my testimony or writing this blog. I could not have done it on my own. I would still be a mess if He hadn't continually pursued me. It is by HIS mercy alone that I made it out on the other side and into His loving arms. His grace for me still blows my mind, I do not deserve Him. But He still freely offered it then, and continues today to do the same.
I try to relish in the little words when it comes to reading in my bible, and there is one that jumped off the page to me in verse 5....entrust. To me that is stronger than just trusting someone with something. If you entrust them with it, you are giving it over completely to them without concern of how it will return to you. Dictionary.com says it means to commit something in trust. Do I really entrust my heart to God? Do I entrust my life to Him? My children? My marriage? For me, I like to be in control of things (no giggling Dean), I like to have it in my hands so that I know its done. It's hard for me to release things even to God. I feel like He gave me knowledge, and strength, and abilities, so that I could do things for myself....but the problem is when I think I have to do it all by myself. If I can entrust Him to direct my path, and then agree to follow Him...it would be so much easier. During a prayer session the other night at church, a wonderful lady told me that I needed to just walk with Jesus step by step. To know that He won't take me further than I need to go, or faster than I should go. For me, it's not being afraid to go, it is slowing down enough to walk side by side with Jesus, and not run ahead to what's next. I am learning still every day how to entrust Him with my whole self...heart, body, mind, and soul.
And finally for today....RESCUE me Lord. What a beautiful plea that is. Isn't it? When you think about a rescue, that is when you finally realized that you just can't do it on your own. You have to let go, and see that you need someone else to come find you, and save you. The picture I see in my head, is of someone caught in river being pulled out on a stretcher by a rescue helicopter. Get the picture I am talking about. God can just reach down and scoop you right up! And the awesomest part....God will always rescue you when you call out His name. He is waiting for you to say, dear Lord, please, I need you, save me from myself.
One last time, look at verse 5....but in a couple of different versions....
The Message... "I've put my life in your hands. You won't drop me, you'll never let me down."
NIV... "Into Your hands I commit my spirit, deliver me, Lord, my faithful God."
Amplified... "Into your hands I commit my spirit; You have redeemed me, O Lord, the God of truth and faithfulness."
Good News Bible... "I place myself in your care. You will save me, Lord; you are a faithful God."
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Why we are the way we are
I want to be very clear today on this point...
Please know that I do not boast about Dean and I's relationship to just say look at us and how awesome we are and how much our halos are glowing. NOT AT ALL! I share our story, and plaster our love all over facebook for 2 reasons....
1. To give ALL the glory to God! First and foremost. He orchestrated all of this. For a LONG time I question why He would allow bad things to happen to me? Why He would allow me to be hurt, mentally and physically? If He loved me, why did it have to be that way? Here's the thing....there are TONS of things on this side of heaven that I am never going to understand, but that doesn't change the promises of God for my life! What are you choosing to believe as your reality....your circumstances or HIS PROMISES?
Psalm 18:30 says "God’s way is perfect. All the Lord’s promises prove true. He is a shield for all who look to him for protection."
Did you catch that? It didn't one of His promises, or an occasional promise, or every other promise...but ALL the Lord's promises prove true. ALWAYS!
He promised me that one day my husband would stand next to me in church worshiping Him. Even to the point that we would be doing ministry together. I had to hold onto that promise for a long time to see it come to fruition. Did I lose track of it occasionally? Yes I did. But once I finally grabbed hold of His truth and refused to let go....look how He has blessed me!
2. To show a hurting world that there is always HOPE! God is not sitting up in heaven, waiting for you to mess up, so He can reach down and smite you. I know a lot of us were taught that way as kids, that he was only a vengeful, angry God, but that is so far from the truth. He wants to lavish His love on you. He wants to sing a song over you. He wants to turn your valley of trouble into a gateway of hope (Hosea 2:15). All you have to do is open your eyes to see it and walk through. I love what the Message says in the last verse of that chapter "I'll say to the nobody, 'You're my dear SOMEBODY' and he'll say 'You're my God!"
God is a God of hope, that's who He is, it's in His nature. Just because it's not in YOUR timing, doesn't make it any less true. So just because me (or anyone else for that matter) has received their promise today, doesn't mean that your's isn't right around the corner....BUT only if you choose to be joyous for me in my time of blessing will you receive yours. You have to be ready to mourn with those as they mourn, and rejoice with those as they rejoice. Right??
So please, don't see this as bragging or showing off or putting on a facade...I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams. But I have been at the lowest of lows, and the darkest of darkness, I know what it's like.But I had hope in the word of God. I knew that He had not forsaken me. He had a plan for me. And He wouldn't say it unless He meant it. His word is true. He was and still is my HOPE! He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. I also know that through showing others my broken heart and my past hurts, that He will not only heal others, but He will continue to heal me as well.
"You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in your word." Psalm 119:114
"Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him." Psalm 62:5
"Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God." Psalm 43:5
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
The love of a Godly man heals
Today this is about some of the story from then and some from now. Because it was true then, and it is more than true now.
Because of the "taking" that had occurred over and over in our previous relationships, Dean and I can truly appreciate our love for one another. We enjoy doing things for each other, not because we have to but because we WANT to. He is truly a gift from above for me. He saved me from myself. So why in the world would I ever take that for granted? Why would I not cherish him every day that I am alive? And why would I not thank God every day that He put us together?
On the night of our second date, Dean got very emotional and told me that I was her. At first I didn't understand what he was saying, he had to explain it to me. I was the "her" he had prayed for. I was the "her" that he had asked God for. Dean said that he knew God had someone for him, so every new single woman he came in contact with he asked "is that her God?" All the other single women at our church, he felt a definite no in his spirit from God. But when he inquired about me, he never got a clear answer. We know now that's because the timing wasn't right. But I am Dean's HER. Just as he is my HIM. We still say that to each other all the time.
That night that we admitted that we were in love, we wondered what it would be like for two givers to be together. Because in both of our past relationships, we were the giver opposed to the taker in the marriage. But now, God had paired two givers, what did He have planned for us? How could that work?
As a giver, more times than not you are taken advantage of. So I really didn't know how to respond when someone else was willing to do something for me without expecting something in return. Honestly, some days I still don't. Dean loves me for who I am, not what I can do for him. For many, many, many years the love I received was based on what I had done...whether it was cook a meal, or clean the house, buying a surprise gift, or whatever....the love I received was ALWAYS conditional. To have Dean in my life has changed everything. He is my flesh and blood earthly example of what the Father's love should look like. I didn't know what that was like. I didn't know how that felt. I didn't know how to respond to that.
Because of the "taking" that had occurred over and over in our previous relationships, Dean and I can truly appreciate our love for one another. We enjoy doing things for each other, not because we have to but because we WANT to. He is truly a gift from above for me. He saved me from myself. So why in the world would I ever take that for granted? Why would I not cherish him every day that I am alive? And why would I not thank God every day that He put us together?
Please know, it's not perfect. We still have "intense moments of fellowship" (as Dean says). BUT, we also know that we can talk through anything. We know that all those little things that upset us, are never worth staying anger over. The main difference in our relationship now versus before is that leaving is never an option! I would never even think about that. I will not tear apart something that God put together. I won't ever allow that to happen to us. I am his HER, and he is my HIM!
My broken heart continues to heal more each day because of the love God shows me through Dean. He encourages me and lifts me up. He makes a point every day to tell me that I am loved, I am strong, I am beautiful, and that he is proud of me. I have never experienced that before in my life. It's hard to hear some days, and those are the days that he tells me a hundred times. Some days he even makes me repeat after him!
All I can say is that I am so blessed beyond measure to have a loving, encouraging, God loving, God fearing, amazing husband in my life now. I couldn't imagine my life now without him in it.
Monday, March 3, 2014
Bad memories and crappy laws
WARNING, WARNING....might be a little bit of a grouchy post for me, so be forewarned. LOL!
Today Dean and I had an appointment with my lawyer to discuss the option of him adopting the girls. We have talked for a while about this. Dean is good to my girls, and loves them so much, he wants to be there for them everyday, and they want him to be their daddy. So we should be able to do that....right? Should be an easy process...right? Should be a happy day....right??
Well in sneaks the devil to steal, kill, and destroy...
It starts with being in the exact same room at the lawyers office where I first sat to tell the most embarrassing story of my life. To have to admit to other people that I was dumb enough to let that awful man treat me that way. I get washed over with the feelings I had that exact day. Sitting at the head of that table just balling my eyes out. I was a mess. This was the morning after I watched my piece of crap husband drug off by two policeman in the middle of the night. I barely slept. Trying to do everything I can to take care of business before I RUN out of town to hide. I had no idea how long he would be kept in jail. I knew his mom was trying to bail him out as quick as she could. In fact, I don't think I told this part of the story....that morning, I called his mom to tell her. I knew his dad had abused her for years, so I thought she would understand. Her reply....she asked if I would help her bail him out. So I flashed right back to that morning of misery. At this point today, I still had my emotions in check though, I was ok, because we were now there for a happy reason. I was trying to focus on that.
BUT THEN....the lawyer proceeds to tells us about how the state protects the father's parental rights.....WHAT IN THE WORLD????? Why should he deserve any rights at all? He choose to try to kill their mother. He choose to only visit the girls ONCE in the last 3 years. He choose to disappear and not be heard from. He choose to not pay his court ordered child support to the point of being in arrears over $20,000 and has a warrant out for his arrest. But now he has rights that have to be protected. This absolutely infuriates me. I just think if a man ever decides to raise his hand to his wife or children, all rights should disappear. I understand there are people who try to misuse the system and stick it to their ex after a divorce...but really? He left and never looked back! I told the lawyer I was concerned that if something ever happened to me, where would my babies go. I asked him if I got hit my a car tomorrow, what would happen? He said that first the state would have custody of the girls, but then John (the ex) would have the right to try to get custody. Not the man who is here every day for them and loves them. So now to try to terminate his parental rights, we have to have him served with papers, and if they can't find him, they have to continue to search for him multiple times. Once the have exhausted all possibilities of serving him the papers, then they will have to place a posting in a local newspaper where he was last known to live, and give him a chance to see it and then respond. Again I say, WHAT IN THE WORLD?? And to top it off, the lawyer needs $1500 to make it happen.
In the process of chatting it up with the lawyer, I mention that I am concerned about stirring the pot with John. What if being served these papers is what throws him over the edge, and causes him to come running back to NC for revenge. So I asked him about checking on the restraining order that had been in place, just in case. He explained that I would need to go to the clerk of court's office to ask them. So off Dean and I go towards the courthouse.
I was still ok at this point, I was happy about the possibility of having a complete Allen family. I wanted to see this finished, but I really wasn't relishing the thought of having to interact with the ex again. For a woman in this situation, every time you think that was the last thing...there's one more thing. A court date, a letter from the office of child support enforcement, a found picture....something that drums up all the nastiness again. I felt bad because I knew that Dean was upset that this had all upset me. It wasn't his fault at all, I just hated revisiting that part of my life. My grampa always called me an ostrich as a kid, I liked to shove my head in the sand and pretend like the world was not happening around me. That's what I have been doing for the last few years. Since he wasn't here, I was able to pretend that he didn't exist, and none of that mess never happened. But that's not the truth, and I know that, but still....
So, another rude awakening moment....we go to the courthouse, and I decide to use the potty before we go to the clerk's office. Seems harmless enough, right? Well, as I go in, my mind flashes to a time when I had zoomed into that bathroom to hide from the man who scared me to death who was walking down the hall towards me on the day of our first court hearing. I knew that he could show up that day, but I didn't really expect him to, I wasn't ready. And then there he was walking right towards me. So into the bathroom I flew.
I shook that off as Dean and I to walk towards the clerks office, to check on the restraining order (just in case...I hate that there has to be a "just in case".) Another place I remembered being on the morning after...sitting there crying with mom as I filled out the paperwork. Eyes so filled with tears that I could barely see to write. Anyways, the lady told me that the restraining order was set to expire on April 13 of this year. But I could petition to renew with "good reason". I had to write on the form that the reason I was worried, and wanted to renew was because I was petitioning to have his parental rights taken away. Oh and by the way...I have to mail him a copy of the form I filled out, AND attend a hearing for said request. Once again I say, WHAT IN THE WORLD????
I was trying so hard to hold in the tears, I didn't want to upset Dean. I DO want to press forward with having him adopt my babies. I really do. I want it with everything in me. But this was a rough day...and it will be a rough process. I just have to focus on the finish line. But today, that was hard to do. The devil is super sneaky. He doesn't come at you where you expect him to, he comes at you when and where you least expect it. I didn't see this day bringing up all these hurts. Understand, I am healed of these things, the wounds aren't fresh, but the happenings of today just brought all the feelings that went with the hurts to the surface for a moment. But it's just a moment.
All that complaining to say....according to the counter today, 453 people have viewed my blog since I started writing. So I am asking all of you, take a moment and pray with us. Pray that we will have the money. Pray that they will be able to find him. Pray that things will go smoothly. Pray that everyone is safe. Pray that I am able to focus on the happy parts of this process not the nastiness of the past. Pray that my girls get to have Dean Allen as their daddy, and truly appreciates how much he loves them. Just pray. Please.
Today Dean and I had an appointment with my lawyer to discuss the option of him adopting the girls. We have talked for a while about this. Dean is good to my girls, and loves them so much, he wants to be there for them everyday, and they want him to be their daddy. So we should be able to do that....right? Should be an easy process...right? Should be a happy day....right??
Well in sneaks the devil to steal, kill, and destroy...
It starts with being in the exact same room at the lawyers office where I first sat to tell the most embarrassing story of my life. To have to admit to other people that I was dumb enough to let that awful man treat me that way. I get washed over with the feelings I had that exact day. Sitting at the head of that table just balling my eyes out. I was a mess. This was the morning after I watched my piece of crap husband drug off by two policeman in the middle of the night. I barely slept. Trying to do everything I can to take care of business before I RUN out of town to hide. I had no idea how long he would be kept in jail. I knew his mom was trying to bail him out as quick as she could. In fact, I don't think I told this part of the story....that morning, I called his mom to tell her. I knew his dad had abused her for years, so I thought she would understand. Her reply....she asked if I would help her bail him out. So I flashed right back to that morning of misery. At this point today, I still had my emotions in check though, I was ok, because we were now there for a happy reason. I was trying to focus on that.
BUT THEN....the lawyer proceeds to tells us about how the state protects the father's parental rights.....WHAT IN THE WORLD????? Why should he deserve any rights at all? He choose to try to kill their mother. He choose to only visit the girls ONCE in the last 3 years. He choose to disappear and not be heard from. He choose to not pay his court ordered child support to the point of being in arrears over $20,000 and has a warrant out for his arrest. But now he has rights that have to be protected. This absolutely infuriates me. I just think if a man ever decides to raise his hand to his wife or children, all rights should disappear. I understand there are people who try to misuse the system and stick it to their ex after a divorce...but really? He left and never looked back! I told the lawyer I was concerned that if something ever happened to me, where would my babies go. I asked him if I got hit my a car tomorrow, what would happen? He said that first the state would have custody of the girls, but then John (the ex) would have the right to try to get custody. Not the man who is here every day for them and loves them. So now to try to terminate his parental rights, we have to have him served with papers, and if they can't find him, they have to continue to search for him multiple times. Once the have exhausted all possibilities of serving him the papers, then they will have to place a posting in a local newspaper where he was last known to live, and give him a chance to see it and then respond. Again I say, WHAT IN THE WORLD?? And to top it off, the lawyer needs $1500 to make it happen.
In the process of chatting it up with the lawyer, I mention that I am concerned about stirring the pot with John. What if being served these papers is what throws him over the edge, and causes him to come running back to NC for revenge. So I asked him about checking on the restraining order that had been in place, just in case. He explained that I would need to go to the clerk of court's office to ask them. So off Dean and I go towards the courthouse.
I was still ok at this point, I was happy about the possibility of having a complete Allen family. I wanted to see this finished, but I really wasn't relishing the thought of having to interact with the ex again. For a woman in this situation, every time you think that was the last thing...there's one more thing. A court date, a letter from the office of child support enforcement, a found picture....something that drums up all the nastiness again. I felt bad because I knew that Dean was upset that this had all upset me. It wasn't his fault at all, I just hated revisiting that part of my life. My grampa always called me an ostrich as a kid, I liked to shove my head in the sand and pretend like the world was not happening around me. That's what I have been doing for the last few years. Since he wasn't here, I was able to pretend that he didn't exist, and none of that mess never happened. But that's not the truth, and I know that, but still....
So, another rude awakening moment....we go to the courthouse, and I decide to use the potty before we go to the clerk's office. Seems harmless enough, right? Well, as I go in, my mind flashes to a time when I had zoomed into that bathroom to hide from the man who scared me to death who was walking down the hall towards me on the day of our first court hearing. I knew that he could show up that day, but I didn't really expect him to, I wasn't ready. And then there he was walking right towards me. So into the bathroom I flew.
I shook that off as Dean and I to walk towards the clerks office, to check on the restraining order (just in case...I hate that there has to be a "just in case".) Another place I remembered being on the morning after...sitting there crying with mom as I filled out the paperwork. Eyes so filled with tears that I could barely see to write. Anyways, the lady told me that the restraining order was set to expire on April 13 of this year. But I could petition to renew with "good reason". I had to write on the form that the reason I was worried, and wanted to renew was because I was petitioning to have his parental rights taken away. Oh and by the way...I have to mail him a copy of the form I filled out, AND attend a hearing for said request. Once again I say, WHAT IN THE WORLD????
I was trying so hard to hold in the tears, I didn't want to upset Dean. I DO want to press forward with having him adopt my babies. I really do. I want it with everything in me. But this was a rough day...and it will be a rough process. I just have to focus on the finish line. But today, that was hard to do. The devil is super sneaky. He doesn't come at you where you expect him to, he comes at you when and where you least expect it. I didn't see this day bringing up all these hurts. Understand, I am healed of these things, the wounds aren't fresh, but the happenings of today just brought all the feelings that went with the hurts to the surface for a moment. But it's just a moment.
All that complaining to say....according to the counter today, 453 people have viewed my blog since I started writing. So I am asking all of you, take a moment and pray with us. Pray that we will have the money. Pray that they will be able to find him. Pray that things will go smoothly. Pray that everyone is safe. Pray that I am able to focus on the happy parts of this process not the nastiness of the past. Pray that my girls get to have Dean Allen as their daddy, and truly appreciates how much he loves them. Just pray. Please.
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