Let God clear the path

 Like I had said before, it's really easy to stand back now and see how it all fit together, but then I just couldn't figure it out. As with my personality, that frustrated me....alot!

There were multiple times I was just going to leave that church. I wasn't happy there, too many bad memories. Everywhere I looked was a place I had been on my face crying and begging the Lord to fix things. Lots of people didn't understand what I was going through, and it was hard to connect with anybody because of that. No matter how many times that I was just about to walk away...I never felt the release from the Holy Spirit to actually leave. It just wasn't time yet.

Right about this same time there were 2 guys who really seemed like good possibilities. They were both very different from me, but both had their good points. Right before I was to leave for training, one said he felt like we should wait until I got back to date or anything. But then he just never seemed to reappeared. The second one was actually supposed to come visit me in Hickory, he didn't live far from there. But one day, he just vanished, no calls, no emailed, no texts. I was really started to think something was wrong with me...every time I thought a guy would be a good match, and we were getting along....POOF! He would just fall off the face of the earth, never to be heard from again. It just wasn't time yet.

But, I couldn't understand that then, I just felt like there was something wrong with me.  My fear of loneliness was getting in the way of my hearing from God.

That last week that I went to Hickory...I was done. I wasn't planning to talk with any guys. I wasn't getting on any dating websites. I wasn't going to go out with the people from my class at night. (I had already been there 2 weeks, and I had just had enough.) My plan was to get take out at night and just relax in the quiet of the hotel room.  Little did I know that God had a different plan.  Dean and I started chatting on facebook more, then it turned to texting, then it moved to talking. We talked so much those few days, more than I had ever really talked to anyone. And about all kinds of subjects...from kids, to church, to past history, to our hopes and dreams, to politics, to our work, just really everything. I just really got to know him without any of the awkwardness of a date getting in the way. We had decided that he would come to Hickory on Thursday night and we would go out to dinner and a movie there. But I couldn't wait (imagine that, I was impatient honey!)...I knew his son Kaden had to work on Wed, so he couldn't come all the way to Hickory. So I asked him to meet me half way in Marion at a Fatz Cafe. We talked on the phone all the way to the restaurant to meet each other. Already, we really just couldn't get enough of each other's company (and that's still true today, but more to come on that later) When we finally each got to Marion, I barely remember anything about the dinner itself, other than the fact that I really enjoyed just being with him. We talked, and laughed, and just had fun together. He says he was super nervous around me, I didn't notice it except that I think he drank about 6 or 7 glasses of diet coke and went to the little boy's room just about as many times. I didn't want the night to end. I hated for it to get late, but I knew he had to go soon to be able to pick up Kaden at work. He was very much a gentleman all evening, he paid of course, he held doors for me, offered to let me go first, walked me to my car, even asked if he could kiss me goodnight. He was a type of man that I had never met before. I honestly did know what to think or how to act, I was sort of in shock. Could this be real? Could he be this nice? Did I really like him that much already?

I got into my car in a fog...a fog of happiness. A place I had never really been before. And I wanted more. Within a couple of minutes of getting in the car, I called him. We talked as we drove in opposite directions. In fact, we talked WAY into the night this night in particular. I just didn't want to say goodbye. I was afraid if I said goodbye, it might end, I might wake up from the dream.  I had honestly never been treated like that before, like a lady, like a treasure. I didn't know what to do with it.  We both seemed shocked by how well we got along and fit together.

Understand, I had been talking AT God for quite a well, not really talking WITH God. I was letting my frustrations block my ability to truly hear from God, and the worst part was I knew it. But I was in a funk. That night I remember staring into the bathroom mirror at the Fairfield Inn in Hickory NC saying to God...."God, if it's truly him, please tell him. I know he hears from You, I know he listens to You. Please tell him. Please tell him. If this is as right as I feel like it is Lord, please tell him." I begged God over and over that evening to please just tell him.

How could I deserve another chance?

Could happiness really be mine?

Was God really listening to my cries?

Did God really care?

"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love." Romans 8:38

Sometimes we all just need a little reminder.

A very funny side story....

I can't really remember where this story fits into the time line, but I thought of it today and had to share it just to prove that God really does have a crazy sense of humor.

A tidbit of needed info for this story to make sense....Dean was helping with the youth at our church, so he knew Tyler (who was about 12ish at the time) a little bit. He knew I was her mom, and knew some of my past, but admittedly not the whole story. Tyler had said he was there helping, but not much else about him.

Well Tyler was spending a week with a friend of our family, helping her with her son since she had surgery the week before. One night while she was there, I got a text from an 828 number that I didn't recognize. The first text said "I just want you to know that when Tyler starts to date, I volunteer to be her chaperon. I will go with them."

I had no idea who this text was from, so of course I said "well, who is this?" I got a one word response, "Dean."

OMG....how in the world did HE get my number? I was freaking out. (I will say this was in between the jean short story, and the VBS story somewhere) I decided to send Tyler a text in between, "did you give Dean my number?" She answered very innocently, "yes, why?"  OMG, what is wrong with that child, didn't she know he was a dork that wore jean shorts???

By this point, he had texted me again, telling me that she was crazy and funny, but that he would sit between them on a date, and keep things in order.  I am again texting Tyler asking her why in the world would she give DEAN my number. She says, "why? I didn't think you would care momma." WHAT...I was going to kill her when she got home.

Also, in between the texts from Dean, and the texts to Tyler...I was texting my girlfriend asking her what in the world to do. And what did she do.....just laughed at me!

Now I was lost at what to do next....now he had my number, and could say whatever he wanted. How would I respond? Did I want to talk? Was I willing to give him a chance? I was in full freak out mode at this point.

Well after a couple of minutes of silence, Dean texted me again saying that he was kidding, and that Tyler had been a big help to them that week at the house. What? At his house? What in the world was he talking about?

Then I remembered....my friend who's house Tyler was staying at... her husband's name was Dean too.

Right in the middle of my path...

I refused to believe that Dean was the match for me, no matter what that crazy dating site said. I wasn't having it.  But he kept popping up in my path, over and over again. I couldn't get away from it. He was liking my stuff on facebook, or commenting on my blogs, or running into me at church, or popping up again on that dog gone website. It was making me crazy! And of course my friends were still getting the giggles every day about it, picking on me, poking fun. I started to get to the point where I was thinking to myself...ok,
first, "my type" hadn't worked so well for me in the past, maybe I should date someone who I didn't think was my type.  And maybe he was showing up in my path all the time for a reason...so I decided that if he ever asked me out, I would say yes, just so I could say I at least gave it a shot. I didn't think it could EVER work, but I would at least give it a try.

So the story starts to unfold....
I needed a new cell phone, my first smart phone, but my plan wasn't up for an upgrade. So I decided to look for one on ebay, find a deal. I LOVE a good sale! Anyways, I bought one, awesome price, with all the extras. Once it arrived, I couldn't get it to activate. But this was the first night of vacation bible school at church, and I didn't have time to figure it out. I take off to the church to drop the kids off. (as an aside, this was during my "I am grouchy about church folk" phase. I wasn't going all the time, because I was not happy with the way the people were treating me. But I still wanted the kids involved.) Anyways, I took the kids to the church, get them signed in, and started whining about the phone situation with a couple of girls at church. Kaden (Dean's son) overheard me and said I should go ask his dad, he was pretty good at that kind of stuff. So I thought, here was my chance. I would take him my phone, and in my girlie flirty way say that I couldn't figure it out and ask for his help. Sounded like a plan to me. So I looked all around the church for him, ended up finding him in the parking lot. I took the phone to him, and explained that I couldn't get it to work, and wondered if he knew anything about this kind of stuff.  (Another aside, Dean is a computer genius. Now, he is my built in tech support for everything! Some people can just do math, some people can just spell...Dean can do everything with anything electronic.) But do you know what he said to me? You won't believe this! And I quote.... "well the verizon store is right up the street." Yes, you heard me right. He blew his chance to be the hero, and told me to go to the verizon store!

The rest of the week at bible school, he seemed to show up at about the same time as me every night. One night he picked on me for being too dressed up (I had just come from work), another night he picked on me for being a mess (I had time that night to go home and change into yoga pants and a t-shirt). I figured eventually he would realize that I wasn't staying, and would maybe suggest that we get some food while the kids were at church. His son and my oldest daughter were helping the teachers, and my little 2 girls were enrolled, so they were all busy for a few hours.  He made a point to talk to me every night, but never once seemed really interested.  One night I came in to get the girls and sat in on the closing ceremonies in the back row. Well when Dean came in, he made a beeline to come sit next to me, but then barely said a word. I didn't get it. The last night of vbs me, him, and a friend of mine sat outside on the sidewalk talking and laughing for like an hour. But he seemed to talk to her more than me, so I figured I was just wrong. I assumed that maybe I was mistaken thinking that he was being put into my path for a reason. At the graduation for VBS, we were all in the sanctuary singing all the kids songs from the week. My parents had come, so I was trying to mind my P's and Q's.  Well Dean kept trying to get me to dance around and do the motions for the song (flying like an airplane) I absolutely didn't want to. I had tried to get him to notice me all week to no avail, so I was done at this point.

Well, that Sunday morning at church my friend (who let me say was the same "friend" who giggled about jean shorts, picked on me for weeks, and sat outside with the 2 of us one night during VBS) she walked outside to where Dean was, walked right up to him and said "look, you need to be talking to Libby". And that was it, walked away.  Understand, she did it to get my goat! She came right inside to poke fun at me and started belly laughing! She just knew that I was going to die of embarrassment, and she was loving every minute of it.

But here's the thing...Dean says that was the day he was like...Really? Her? She might be interested in me? Now what do I do?

"You're blessed when you stay on course, walking steadily on the road revealed by God. You're blessed when you follow His directions, doing your best to find him.  That's right - you don't go off on your own; you walk straight along the road he set." Psalm 119:1-3 (The Message)

My fairy tale begins

"You did it: you changed wild lament into whirling dance; You ripped off my black mourning band and decked me with wildflowers. I'm about to burst with song; I can't keep quiet about you. God, my God, I can't thank you enough." Psalm 30:11-12 (The Message)

Consider this your warning right up front for the rest of my story....it will be mushy, it will be lovey dovey, it will be beyond belief, it will be on the verge of sappy, but I promise you, it is all true and all God! I can stand back now and see all the pieces as one story, but understand I didn't see it that way when I was in the middle of it. I am going to write it from my perspective now, looking back over the entire thing.  The amazing part is now that my story has completely changed, the old parts, the history, the past seem like a story I read in a book once. A book that is now on a shelf somewhere collecting dust, never to be relived again.
So consider yourself forewarned...here it goes....

Me and the girls were attending a fairly small church, and it was mostly young families, so the possibility of my meeting my "mister right" there was pretty slim. Plus, there were a couple of other single women who were like vultures at the door, waiting for every new man that walked in the door. That was absolutely not who I was, or wanted to be.

There was one\guy that I knew of that sat on the other side of the church. Had been going there for a while now.  He seemed sort of strange though, I didn't know his story.  I knew he had a son, but there always seemed to be other people at church with them too. I wasn't sure how everyone fit into the story. But honestly, he was really not my type. He seemed quiet, sort of reserved, not really into social things, so not really like me.

I was a flamboyant worshipper at the time, and he seemed to just sit there in quiet reverence during praise and worship, I couldn't understand that. He wasn't cut from the same cloth as me, so I really didn't even think twice about him. I knew that he noticed me though, not really in a creeper stalker sort of way, but just in a very observant guy sort of way. I just tried to avoid running into him at church.  He had commented a few times on a blog I was writing, and I answered politely but never really got a conversation started. I knew that I was the"new single girl at church" and was really not up for living up to the term. So I just stayed out of his way. There was even one time when we were all up front at church, praying for a couple that was moving out of town, and I knew that Dean was behind me, I could feel him looking at me.  Next thing I knew, he placed his hand on my back and said "hey, nice tattoo". I couldn't believe that we were getting ready to pray for someone and he was hitting on me at that moment, so I just said thanks. (Be sure to ask Dean his side of this story, he says I turned around, fire shot out of my eyes, and I said "yeah, whatever", and turned around like the snob that I was)  Needless to say, he was not on my dating radar at all.

People continued to say, well Libby, remember there's Dean. He's a nice guy. He has a son. He loves God. He attends church regularly. He even helps with the youth. But all I could say back was "he's just not my type, he's such a dork."

One day, two of my single girlfriends were at my house handing out, and they convinced me to set up a profile on a dating website again. I had tried it before with not much luck, so I had deleted my profile. It would be fun, they said. Trust us, they said. We sat around laughing and cutting up, and finally I agreed. We put in all my information, added pictures, wrote a brief bio. The way this website worked, after you set up your profile and answered some questions about what you were looking for, it would give you a bunch of possible matches to talk to.  My friends and I started talking about how to weed out the "Mr. Wrongs". We each had things that were definitely turn offs. Again, we were 3 women sitting around giggling like school girls. I said I wasn't interested in anyone too much younger or older than me.  One friend said no rednecks, no cowboy hats. Again came the giggles. And finally my other friend said, "oh yeah, no jean shorts, anyone who wears jean shorts must be a dork Libby". So we all agreed, as we scrolled through these "matches", anyone wearing jean shorts in their profile was an automatic no. Understand, this website it huge, thousands upon thousands of people...I won't mention the name to protect the innocent. But we finally decided it was time to start looking at "my matches". I hit enter and what pops up.....a picture of Dean Allen, the guy from church. I was like "YOU ARE KIDDING ME??" Out of thousands of people that I didn't know online, THIS had to be the first match that the site chose for me?? The 3 of us started belly laughing at this point. Oh yeah, and to top it off....he was wearing jean shorts!!!

More tomorrow.....

Caught in fear....

At this point in my story, there were a lot of things I was still afraid of. Understand, I was doing ok, things had settled down. Me and the girls had finally found a daily routine that worked for us. I had found a new job, that worked better for us as far as time went. But fear still had a grip on my heart.

I had a great new job...but I was afraid of the change. Could I make enough money? Could I be successful? Would people like me? Would I like it? 

The girls and I were doing well. They were doing their best to get along so mommy didn't fall off the edge. But was I doing enough? Could we keep it up? What if things got harder? What if I couldn't handle it? 

I was even physically scared too. When John was about to get out of jail, I talked to 2 of the sheriffs who had processed him in. They said he was a typical abuser, would only talk to the male sheriff, ignored the female. Very confident, didn't act like he did anything wrong, didn't understand why he was even there. They tried to give me some advice about what to do going forward.  I told them I was very fearful because he had been a marine, and was a good marksman. I didn't know if I should get a gun for the house just in case. I told them that I knew there were 2 shotguns in our house, but that I didn't think I could handle those. The sheriff stopped me in the conversation, he said "did you say 2 guns?" I confirmed that was what I had said. He said that I needed to go home and tear my house upside down, because when he had processed John, he happened to mention that there were 3 guns in the home. I freaked out!!!! There was a gun in my house, with my children, that I had no idea what kind or where it was. My worry got bigger in that moment...if that was hidden, what else was there? I absolutely tore my house upside down. After an all day search, I found the third gun. It was it 5 pieces, and each piece was hidden in a different place in the house. What kind of person does that?? What else had he done? What would he do to me if he had the chance? So I took the 3 guns back to the sheriff's department for safe keeping. And I asked him, what do I do? He suggested a place to go to get a tazer. He explained that if he was that good of a marksman, he would have a gun out of my hand before I could ever think of pulling the trigger. So he sent me to the little old lady's stand at a local flea market to buy a tazer. Who knew I could not only get one, but it could be in my choice of colors. LOL!  I decided on a black one though, but it made the biggest loudest crackling noise I had ever heard. It just sounded intimidating! The lady even told me "honey, don't get it to close to his heart, you might kill em!"  For months, I carried it in my purse everywhere I went. There was one evening I came home after dark with the girls (which I didn't like doing), as we got out of the car, I heard this big noise. I panicked. I have never pulled anything out of my purse so fast! Tazer in hand and my heart was pounding as I rushed the girls into the house. I was simply still afraid.

Here's the thing...God does not give me a spirit of fear, but of power, and love and a sound mind.  But I kept forgetting that. I kept losing my focus on that promise. I let the devil continually remind me of my past, he kept me looking back instead of looking ahead. I needed someone in my life to remind me of these things. 

But I was so afraid of picking the wrong man again. In fact, check out this excerpt from a previous blog dated June 26, 2012....

"I'm trying to figure out (once again!) who I am, what am I doing, and where am I going.  I hate feeling lost. But I do so badly right now.   My heart is just breaking. Why do I consistently choose the wrong men? Am I doomed to awful relationships? Why can't I seem to find the right one? I don't want to be alone. I want the whole package.  I want a man who loves God, cherishes me, and adores my babies.  I want the fairy tale.  Seen any princes on white horses lately?  I know that is not realistic...but after a 12 year horrible marriage, I think I deserve better.  Is it even possible? Is he out there?  I honestly am scared to death of being alone. I don't like it at all. I was made to be a caregiver, I believe that. I am built to love someone.  I absolutely adore being with someone. But who? I know you are all saying, "relax Libby, God has big plans for you, bigger and better things, just be patient"....well let me just say this, I SUCK at being patient."

Who know within a month, I would be the happiest girl on the planet!!! Because everything I asked for in that paragraph above...God gave me in Dean Allen. More to come on OUR story tomorrow. 

Not the best idea I've ever had

After I had flexed my woman muscles for a while, proved I could do anything a boy could do...that was when I thought maybe I would try dating. But here's the thing, I wasn't really "looking" for anyone. I was still determined that I didn't NEED anyone.  I wasn't going to be hurt again. I wasn't going to allow it. I wasn't going to put myself in a position like that again. I was determined to be very detached, and stay that way. For the first time in my life I was just going to date. I even tried talking to multiple guys at one time, so that I didn't really get close to anyone.

I even checked out online dating. I wanted someone to talk to, someone who didn't know me (or my story) to think I was interesting. I wanted to be someone different than I had ever been. I tried dating a bad boy, an older guy, a younger guy, a guy with kids, a guy without kids...none of it was right. No matter how much I didn't want to get attached to anyone....I still longed for that. I was made to be a wife, a caretaker, a lover.  I liked having someone to care for, someone to love, someone to lean on. I wanted more.

I truly believed that God didn't plan for me to be alone. Or for my girls to be without a dad for ever.  I didn't want to rush into anything, but I wanted to try to be truly happy one day. I didn't NEED someone to make me happy, but I wanted someone to be happy with.  

But it wasn't quite time just yet.....

Step into the cleansing stream...

Once all the world got quiet, there was a wonderful family (who loved me) who finally suggested something that could help me find me. Get ready here comes the shameless plug....

Cleansing Stream Ministries was the best thing I could have done right after the abuse situation. It helped me to slow down, focus, realize who I was in HIM, and also break a lot of chains that I was carrying unnecessarily. If nothing else, I had reading and homework every day, it caused me to take time with HIM and to see myself more through HIS eyes rather than an ex husband's eyes, or the world's eyes, or even my own eyes. It taught me how to allow HIM to wash over me and give me peace. It taught me how to battle the darkness that was chasing me. It taught me how to cast out the leftover evil spirits that were in my house. It showed me that I was not alone, that everyone was hurting in their own way. Honestly, it's about time for me to go through the series again as the Libby I am now, to let God heal me even further. If your church does not offer Cleansing Streams, find one that does so you can be a part. It's worth the work, I promise. Now know, you only get out of it what you are willing to put into it. But if you take ONE step towards Him, He willing come running at you with open arms!!

Jerimiah 29:11 (NIV) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

I'm not going to try to say this was the end of my healing, it wasn't. I was still sort of confused and unsure of what I was supposed to do with my life.  I felt like a lot of my burden had been lifted, I felt lighter....but I was still sort of lost.  I didn't know what direction to head in. I knew not to go back, or look back...but which way forward? I knew that I could stand on my own 2 feet, I was strong, I was independent, I was woman hear my roar. I was trying to prove myself....to the world and to myself.  I had to be SUPER LIBBY!
I could work full time, be a creative mom, take care of a house, cook dinner every night, climb on top of the house and clean out my own gutters, take care of my car, pay the bills, get us all to church on time. I was handling it....by saying that I didn't need a man at all.  And that wasn't right either.  It was right for that moment....but still not quite right.

At first I kept myself busy so I didn't really think about it...then at night it would get quiet, and I would get lonely. I hated how quiet the house got after the girls went to bed. I couldn't deal with it. My mind would play tricks on me and I would hear things. I didn't like laying down at night, because then it all became real again. When I was running around like a chicken with my head off all day to get things done, I didn't have time to think about it. But lying in bed alone...there was no denying it.  I missed the little things...a shoulder to lay on at night, a man to jump up and go check on things if I heard a noise at night, as simple as a hug (even if it wasn't a heartfelt hug, it was at least human contact.

I think the day that threw me into a tail spin the worst around the loneliness, was the day after Christmas the first year.  I had tried to make it a nice Christmas for the girls, so they didn't feel like anything was missing. But I was definitely broke financially and spiritually after. Well on my way to work on the day after, right in the middle of downtown, my van just stopped and wouldn't start again. I had no idea what to do. I just started crying. I had no one in the car to help me move it. I had no one to call to come to my rescue. I was totally alone. After a moment, a wonderful cop came up to my window and asked if I was ok. Through the tears I said, my car won't start again. He pushed me into the closest parking lot, and asked if I had someone to call. Of course that set off the tears again. I did though, I called my dad. But that's not the same. I appreciated his help, but it was not the one I wanted to call. Please understand, I in no way wanted the ex back, I wanted my knight in shining armor, my hero to save me. But I didn't have one......then.

Who am I?

For so many years I was told I was useless. I was told I was a horrible wife, a selfish mother, a nag, just not worth a thing. I was told no one would ever love me really. Nothing I ever did was right or good enough. I literally walked on eggshells every day to avoid a confrontation. So when all of those whispers, all of those fights, all of the yelling...when it was all gone, I didn't know who I was anymore. I was completely confused. For a LONG time, I wore a bunch of different masks, no one ever saw the real Libby. I had learned to hide behind a mask every where I went.

I had a mask for at home....a timid woman, who tried to keep quiet to avoid frustrations. I didn't talk much about God, or religion, or the Holy Ghost, or anything church related because I knew without a doubt that would start World War 3! I did as much as possible to take his anger, so that I could shield the girls from it. I knew this wasn't who I was. I had no control over anything, I couldn't even be the mom I wanted to be. But I didn't think I could be any different at home.

I had a mask for at work...this was the one place I could be large and in charge! And I was! Everything was in its perfect place. I had plans. I had goals. And I never failed. I was a big bad selling machine. I was respected. I was trusted. I was a beast. I liked being the best. And I didn't accept any less ever. I was intense and loved it.  But here's the thing....I couldn't be that intense every minute of the day, I would have exploded! But I couldn't see how to be any different at work.

I had a mask for at church....I was all in at church. I was a worshiper, I could be free there. Or at least I thought I was free. I didn't have to worry, or stress, or be afraid there. In fact, I spent most of the time there on my face, or on my knees, crying out to God to change things.  But, I also learned to hide a lot at church even from "friends". I never told all the details. I never told how bad it really was. I would never admit to anyone, not even myself, that he wasn't only not willing to come to church, he was a true non believer, almost to the point of being an atheist. That scared me more than I let on. I would sit behind couples at church, with the husband's around lovingly around his wife...and I would just weep. I loved being at church, but it also hurt to be there every week. If it hadn't been for church and God though, there would have been lots of times that I would have just given up. But it still wasn't the truth, but I didn't know how to be any different at church.

I even had a mask for my family and friends to see...they might have known things weren't perfect, that I wanted more, but they really had no clue what it was really like. I told them there was hope, that change was close.  I never let them in. I was very guarded.  I even defended John to everyone. I wouldn't let anyone speak ill of him, no matter how horrible he was to me. I played the dotting wife, even though it wasn't real. But I couldn't tell my family and friends that I was allowing that to happen to me every day. I was ashamed, so I couldn't imagine it being any different with them either.

So when it got quiet....in my house, in my ear, in my mind, in my spirit, and in my heart...I had to figure out who I was down deep. I had to decide where I could find that definition. Was I all of these women? Was I one of these women? Was I none of these women? I wasn't sure, but it was time to start finding out.

"You realize, don’t you, that you are the temple of God, and God himself is present in you? No one will get by with vandalizing God’s temple, you can be sure of that. God’s temple is sacred—and you, remember, are the temple." 1 Corinthians 3:16-17 (The Message)

"This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!" 2 Corinthians 5:17 (NLT)

"The Lord will hold you in his hand for all to see—a splendid crown in the hand of God. Never again will you be called “The Forsaken City”  or “The Desolate Land.” Your new name will be “The City of God’s Delight”  and “The Bride of God,” for the Lord delights in you and will claim you as his bride." 
Isaiah 62:3-5 (NLT)

"But you are not like that, for you are a chosen people. You are royal priests, a holy nation, God’s very own possession. As a result, you can show others the goodness of God, for he called you out of the darkness into his wonderful light." 1 Peter 2:9 (NLT)

Don't look for your healing in the wrong place

This post will be pretty short and sweet and to the point, the title almost says it all....don't look for your healing in the wrong place (physical, mental, or emotional healings).

For a while I tried to get over everything by finding fulfillment in the court processes.  Trust me, that was a horrible idea! It is a LONG drawn out process, that will not make you happy in the end. I can't tell you how many times we ended up back in court...and only one time did I walk out with any satisfaction (that was when I got full custody of my beautiful girls).  I wanted justice though. I wanted to see him suffer the way I suffered. I wanted him to hurt too. But in the end I was given a choice, in order for the state of NC to "do" anything to him, he would have to stay local so they could monitor him going to anger management, or parole, or anything like that. He told the judge he wanted to move back to WV where his mom lived. The DA told me it was my decision, they could force him to stay here and require him to comply, or they could give him permission to move out of state and basically he would get away scott free. I didn't want to risk running into him at Walmart or Mcdonalds, so I told the DA I was ok with them giving him permission to go to WV. But in the end, it only caused me to feel more like the loser of the battle. I was scared, I was alone, and he got to just walk away from it all.

Here's the thing...I was looking to the wrong place for justice.

Romans 12:19 says "Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to revenge, I will repay," says the Lord."

It took me a while to understand and truly take this to heart, but this is the key....even though my ex wasn't a believer, I knew that God would STILL take care of him on my behalf. IF I could let go of it, and let God. Thankfully I was able to do that. And where is my ex now....who knows! We haven't heard from him in over a year and a half now. He is missing out on the lives of 3 beautiful young girls, living at home with his mom at age 40 (last I heard), and has a warrant out from the state of NC for thousands of dollars in back child support. God handled the justice for me in HIS way, once I loosen my grip on it.

So that's my first BIG suggestion if you are in the same situation....don't think about revenge or justice or payback. That will not get you anything but more heartache. I promise you. Thank goodness, this was one place in the first half of the story that I trusted God. Seek out your healing and let God take care of the revenge.

Tomorrow I will write about some other (HORRIBLE!) places that I looked to for my healing before I finally ran into the arms of my loving Father!

Psalm 91:1-3(NLT) "Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. This I declare about the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him. For he will rescue you from every trap and protect you from deadly diseases."

Stuck on a layer

As I mentioned last night, this layer took a while. No matter how many times God tried to reach out and remind me of His love for me, I still wasn't listening. I was so beyond hard headed. I was determined I didn't need anyone. My biological dad had never really been there for me. My husband hated me so much he tried to kill me. And as far as I thought, God had deserted me and allowed it all to happen. I couldn't see past those simple facts. So at this point, I decided I could do it all on my own.

And unfortunately that attitude carried over into a LOT of areas of my life. I wasn't going to let anyone tell me how to do anything. I wasn't listening to anyone who had a new way for me to try something. I was going to figure it all out on my own, in my mind no one could understand.  Here are a few examples of why I decided not to listen....

Example #1...I went to a local domestic abuse crisis center within a week of everything happening.  They were recommended by a female sheriff who I had spoken to. Claimed to be very helpful, very compassionate, a good resource for "woman like me". (The first problem in this part of the story, is the "women like me" part. You are looked down on as a lower part of society, because now I was a VICTIM! Anyways, I will leave that alone, that wasn't my point here.)  I went into this secret society that was supposed to be able to help me start to heal.  I had an appointment with a "counselor" and I use that word loosely. She was the first person who I truly told the entire story to. I thought she would get it. I laid out all my fears before her, told her how I feared for my life and my children's lives.  I cried for a solid hour in her office. She barely made a peep.  When she finally did say something, it was to tell me that my situation was not grave enough for them to get involved. WHAT???? To me it was the end of the world. I was now feeling even lower than before. According to her, my husband didn't get close enough to killing me for her to be concerned.

Example #2....no one at work knew what to even say to me.  And if they did look at me sideways, I started to cry, which made it even worse. At first they all tried to be concerned, and helpful. But in the end, they had to go on with their lives. Which I understood....but I was just stuck in my moment, unable to move forward.  I was now "poor pitiful Libby".

Example #3....the place you would think I would get the most comfort, church was the worst.  Most people didn't even speak to me. They really avoided me like I had the plague.  I had asked a couple to help me with some errands around town, because at that time I didn't know where John was and was very afraid he would show up at any moment. I was told by the husband that they couldn't help me because he was worried if John saw me with another man that might upset him more and send him into a rage. So I was left on my own once again. I was told by a woman in the church that I just needed to forget about being with anyone any time soon, as long as I had kids, there was just no reason to expect to be happy again.

Example #4... I finally decided (at the suggestion of my pastor at the time) to go see a christian counselor at a local church (I won't name any names). In the very first session, she told me it wasn't biblical for me to want to divorce him. She said as a good christian wife, I was supposed to wait until he came around and understood the error of his ways. I was to remain married to him, even if it meant I was never with him again for the rest of my life.

I had been alone in my marriage for a long time....but at this point, I truly felt more alone than I ever had in my life. So I thought this was my battle to fight.

I will say again, God tried over and over to reach out and touch my heart. But I wasn't ready to receive yet. I wasn't able to get past myself long enough to listen.

Isaiah 30:18 says "Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion."

The next layer...

I can't seem to get this next blog started, because this is the area of healing that I regret took so long. I will say that being able to stand back now and see the entire story from a distance, I know that there are no coincidences with God, and everything happens in HIS timing with my best interest at heart. But then, I just couldn't see that at all.

Another time in sharing my testimony that I need to stop and tell some back story.  When I was still married to John, I made a decision that I was not going to give up until Jesus changed his heart. I prayed and fasted. I read books about being a praying wife, and got up at 5am daily to read the Word. I did the Love Dare on my own for him, getting no response in return.  I fasted for 40 days believing that things would change. I journaled, I sang praises, I looked the other way when he was mean to me. I spent so many hours on my knees at the church sobbing for my marriage and John's heart. I was so sure that this would work. I was doing everything I knew how to do, and I knew that God would reward that passion.  I even felt in my spirit that God had told me that I would see John at church with me one day. I spent an entire year focused completely on this one single prayer. I believed with everything in me that if God could just touch his heart ONCE, our entire family life would change forever.

So, when John hit me, that promise was the first thing that came to my mind. I was screaming at God, saying what happened? or why us? or but you said? I trusted God to make this happen, I was even willing to wait, I was trying to be patient and tarry. I was totally heartbroken that it didn't happen the way I expected. I was angry. I'm not going to mince words, I was overcome with anger. But here's the thing, my typical response to my anger is to clam up and cry. Even now, when I am upset I hold in it, not tell anyone, and it just festers inside me. So that's exactly what I did....I was determined to not talk to God, to ignore what He had to say to me, and basically pout like a toddler.

Even to the point that I HEARD God say to me....Libby, I told you that YOUR HUSBAND would be in church with you, I never said John would be by your side at church.  I was at such a low place in my life, I couldn't imagine EVER being married again, so I took that word from the Lord as untrue.  I couldn't look past the pain and hold on to the true promise that God was giving me for my future.  (Jump to the end of the story for those of you who don't know me... that is exactly what happened! I meet my God given helpmate AT church! And within 6 weeks of our first date, we were married! But more on my happy ending later.)

I had worked so hard for years to be sensitive to His Spirit and His voice....and it all went down the tubes because I was hard headed.  But here's the thing that I will say once again....God is a gentleman, he is a enamored suitor who is willing to wait for His bride, no matter how long it takes her to see. He didn't give up on me, He didn't run the other direction, He didn't desert me, He patiently waited. All the while, no matter how many times I said no, He STILL watched over me, showed me His favor, and protected me.

2 Peter 3:9(The Message) says "God isn't late with his promise as some measure lateness. He is restraining himself on account of you, holding back the End because he doesn't want anyone lost. He's giving everyone space and time to change."

So at this point in my story, I was angry and not listening....as My loving Father waited patiently for me to wake up!

in layers (#3)

The next layer I want to talk about was one of the hardest to deal with, and honestly starting to think about how to write this today stirred up some old/new issues, but I will talk about that at the end of this post. Anyways, the next step of forgiveness was to forgive the one who hurt me, the one who took advantage of me, the one who mistreated me and did unspeakable things. Understand this, it wasn't just a one time occurrence, it was years of walking on egg shells, verbal abuse beyond your imagination, holes punched in walls, chairs slammed so hard into the floor that they shattered into bits, screaming at me, grabbing my arm until there was a bruise. Once my eyes were finally opened to how I didn't have to live that way, I didn't see how I could forgive him. How could I let that go? How could I pretend like it never happened? I couldn't see me ever getting over it.

My pastor at the time said something to me that began to sink in. He said my forgiving John was for ME not for him.  I had to get past it for my well being, to be able to move on, instead of holding onto that anger and letting it eat me up inside. He reminded me that I could forgive him, but that didn't mean that I had to trust him again.

For a long time after that final day, many people asked me why I wouldn't take him back. They asked didn't I think that God could change John. They wanted to know couldn't I just forgive him and let it go.  That was the most unbelievable thing I had ever heard. People told me that I wasn't being a christian, that I wasn't doing the christian thing.  That I was supposed to forgive him, and keep my marriage vows. You wouldn't believe the hurtful, thoughtless things that people said to me, from friends, to family, to church members, to counselors.  He broke the covenant of our marriage the minute he decided to raise his hand to me.  I was lucky that the Holy Spirit gave me the ability to just cut off my feelings for John the night that I decided to call the police.  All the lawyers and police officers that I talked to warned me about feeling sorry for him, letting him back into my life, and then giving him the chance to finish the job that he started. I wasn't going to be "that girl". I refused to allow that to happen.

I was able to forgive him, but there was still a lot of fear in me of what he was still capable of. We hid out of town for almost 2 weeks. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't even go to work. I remember the day when the police department called and said that they had released him from jail. I didn't know what to expect. I was also terrified of the first court date we had after he went to jail. What I completely expected to happen was he would show up with a huge gun, shoot up the entire courtroom, and kill me in the process. Or he would come leaping at me across the table, grab me by the throat so hard that no one could pry his hands off.  The things I had seen in those awful law TV shows, seemed like what was going on in my real life. I didn't see a way that I could ever let me guard down again. In the back of my mind, I knew I always had to be on my toes and be ready for anything, I just knew that he was determined to kill me.

It has taken a few years, but the fear has subsided.  I don't worry that he will show up at school and swipe the girls and run. I don't worry that he will wait at walmart until he see us, and sniper shoot me from across the parking lot. I don't worry that there will be knock at the door, and there he will be after years of not hearing from him, pushing his way into the house.  For the first month, I was constantly looking over my shoulder, waiting for him to be there, coming after me, as a revenge for telling on him and especially for taking the girls away from him. For so many years, he held me under his thumb, and had me deathly afraid of what he was capable of. That was a hard habit to break.

I know now that all these fears are irrational, but I couldn't help it.  My life was ruled by fear and it's hard to shake that feeling. In fact even today it bubbled back up as I was talking to Dean (my new God given wonderfully amazing loving husband. more on the happy ending to this story later.) about what I was planning to write today. I remembered a scenario that I had in my head years ago.  Deep down it still scares me today.  I believed that years from now, when we had all gotten past all the hurt, were getting along, and everyone was ok.  That we could interact without issue, and seemed like life was good. I thought that we would all be at an event, like Abigail's high school graduation, and his thirst for revenge would resurface. I wouldn't expect it, and he would choose then to finally kill me. This idea got a hold of my heart today, and even caused me to cry. It stirred up a fear that I hadn't felt in a long time. Dean had to talk me down, soothe my spirit, remind me of a few important facts. (And I couldn't love him more that I do today!)

Kicking the fear is an ongoing process, it's a lot easier to hold on to than it is to let go of. In fact, that leads me to go back to what I was saying at the beginning of this post about old issues coming back up. I believe with everything in me that I am SUPPOSED to write this blog for a reason, for a purpose, to be an encouragement to women. BUT, bringing this up every day is waking up old demons. I have been having nightmares ever since I started writing this blog. The devil is trying to get me off my track, to distract me from my purpose in HIM. The devil is trying to use my past hurts and fears to pull me back into that darkness. But I am not going to allow that to happen. In fact I refuse to take any steps backwards.  I am going to make a few declarations here with you from His word. Things that I will probably have to repeat over and over to myself as I tell the rest of my story.  But I also ask you as my friends, please say a little prayer for me. A prayer of protection, a prayer of encouragement, a prayer of focus. I love each of you, and appreciate your support as I give my testimony of hope.

Romans 8:31b "If God is for us, who can be against us?"

1 John 4:4 " You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world."

John 15:16 " You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit - fruit that will last - and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you."

In layers (continued)

The first layer of healing in my story came as forgiveness, but there are many parts to that. I had to first realize that it wasn't my fault. I didn't cause this, I didn't make him treat me that way. I didn't do anything wrong. I felt awful for putting my girls through that for so long and I had a lot of guilt in that.

Let me back up and tell a few details about the night everything change. (Be warned...I an telling the entire story and it's not pretty. If it offends you, sorry/not sorry, don't keep reading. There are women out there who need to know they are not alone.) I came home after work, and according to the ex I was missing time. The way he figured I should have been home an hour earlier, and he was accusing me of being with someone else. That was the farthest thing from the truth, but he wasn't even going to discuss it. He was sure, and there was no convincing him otherwise. The argument reeled out of control, even to the point of him accusing me of always being a cheater and saying that he didn't even think Abigail was his child. Most times we argued, I would fight toe to toe with him, but something in me (THE HOLY GHOST!) told me to keep my mouth shut. (And honestly that probably saved my life that night) Anyways, the discussion spiraled out of control for hours, to the point that he pushed me out the front door, out onto the walkway (so the girls couldn't see) where he punched me across my face. He also held me with one arm across my chest against the brick wall of the house, while he strangled me with the other hand.  He didn't let go for what seemed like forever. I believed I was going to die that night. I thought that was the end, and my children would be left with THIS as a parent. Once he finally let go, he went back into the house and refused to allow me back in. I had no shoes, no coat, no phone, no keys, no purse, nothing.  I walked down to my parent's house a blubbering mess. I had no idea what to do next, I knew he was so angry, and that completely scared me to death. I wasn't thinking at all about what had just happened, I was more afraid of what was next.  Our entire 12 year marriage, he had also threatened me that if I ever did anything "wrong", he would take the girls and disappear where I would never see them again. He had me convinced that he could and would do it.  So at this point I had no idea what to do next...I did know that I had to get us away from him, but I had no idea how.  I was so ashamed for letting him treat us that way. I was embarrassed to ask anyone for help. I was worried what the girls would think. Would they be mad at me for taking them away from their daddy? Would they cry? Would they even believe me? Would they even care?  Would they blame me? Would they even want to go with me? What had he told them after he kicked me out of the house?

In the middle of the night, I had to call the police and then go to the magistrate's office to file a domestic abuse complaint. Having to tell my story that many times in one night was the hardest thing I had ever done. I was beyond broken. I was at the lowest of lows. Having to tell people what an idiot I was for allowing it, and exposing my children to it. Once the police came and took him away, then and only then could I go back into the house to get my babies. I didn't know if they would keep him in jail, or what to expect next, all I knew was I was scared for my life.  I knew that if he got another chance, he would kill me. I believed that with every fiber of my being.  I was headed into that house just long enough to get the girls, pack a bag for each of us, and then run!  I was so scared to tell them we had to go, I had no idea how they would respond. But I will never forget this as long as I live....I tapped Tyler on the shoulder (she was 11 at the time) and simply said "tyler we have to go", she looked up at me with her big blue eyes and just said "ok mommy". I could see it in her face, she knew and she was on my side. They all knew, they all understood, and they were all scared too.

I thought I could never forgive myself for putting them in harm's way. My main job as a mom was to protect them, and I had let fear keep me from doing just that. The first step of forgiveness was to forgive myself. To see that I wasn't the monster, I didn't allow this, I didn't choose this.  I had to forgive myself, before I could even think of forgiving him or God. Understand, this didn't happen all in a moment, I had to tell myself over and over, and hear other people tell me over and over, that it wasn't my fault.

The next step of forgiveness, another day.....

In layers

This is an attempt to write out my testimony. I can take my time, I can say everything because tears won't get it my way (well they might, but at least people aren't starring at me waiting for me to stop crying like a baby), and I can get it all out on paper. Today God hit me with the idea that He had to heal me in layers, and it finally made sense.  He couldn't try to fix everything in one big swoop, because I wouldn't be able to handle it all. He had to come after my heart healing in layers, a little at a time, to let the scars heal slowly, so that as one spot was healed and not sore to the touch, He could move over to the next spot. It had to happen over time, in sections. Plus that way, I notice each and every little soft touch from my Daddy as he heals my heart. And I can stand back and say, look at what He did.

The changing point in my life for me was not when I first found God, or I first fell in love, or college, or any of those normal things....my life changed when I was completely broken.  I thought I had been hurt before, but I had no idea what the word broken meant until March of 2011. I was at my lowest point ever. In my mind I had no where to turn, had no idea what to do next, I was a shattered mess. The pain and misery I had lived with all those years in an abusive marriage was nothing compared to this. That misery was my normal, I knew how to handle that, I know how to live in it, it was my every day. But the day that I finalized realized how wrong that was, everything changed. I was a blubbering mess. A blob on the floor. A mass of confusion. I didn't know what was up and what was down. So many things that I thought I knew and understood were blown to bits. I thought God was in control, and was going to fix this situation with my ex. I just knew that things would change. And when it all blew to smitherines, I didn't know what to think. I was angry. I was angry at myself for sticking with it so long. I was angry at my ex for treating me that way. And most of all  I was beyond angry at God for allowing that horrible thing to happen to me. How could someone who claimed to love me, sit back and just watch a man almost kill me, put bruises across my face and around my neck. How could God not have stopped that? I was more lost than I had ever been and I didn't know if it could ever feel better. I was so confused, so off balance, turned completely upside down.

Here was the problem though....I couldn't just curl up in a ball and give up, I had 3 beautiful girls depending on me.  Everything in me wanted to just lie on the floor and not move at all. Slip off into some altered state, and not think about anything. But I didn't have that option, I had to be strong for them. I didn't have time to sulk really. So I had to push down sooooo many of those feelings and not take the time to truly heal any of those wounds. I had to be the mom.  I had to let it go and move on. But every step I faced reminded me that I was alone. Every thing I had to handle moving forward just proved that it would never be the same. I never felt so isolated, no one could understand. Everyone tried, they said why didn't we know, and we love you, and we are here for you, and we feel for you, and we'd pray for you ...but they really couldn't get it. The worst was people would say oh we understand...and that just made me angrier. Why me? Why me God? Wasn't it hard enough already? Wasn't I already struggling enough? Why did you let this happen to me? Why did it have to get worse?

I ran from God for a while, I'm not going to lie. I was disappointed in Him. I truly thought that He had forgotten me. That He had left me to the hands of that horrible man. It wasn't that I didn't believe, but I just felt like He was busy helping someone else and dropped the ball with me. And that was extremely hard to get past. So many men in my life had already let me down....why would I think that God would be any different.

Here's the amazing part, again God is a gentleman. He never forced me to listen to Him. He just patiently waited until I could clear the fog from my eyes and look into His face again. He stayed with me, and just waited until I was ready. He knew all along that I would figure it out, without Him having to scream it at me, or smack me up side the head. He just waited patiently.

Sorry....that's about all I can handle tonight. This will be an ongoing story until I can get the whole thing out on paper. Understand, a lot of these pieces of the story I am still putting together, because now I can stand back and see it all from a distance. I couldn't do that while I was in the middle of it. God is still healing me in layers. Do I think He is done yet....no. But it's getting close. Know that I don't share this story to boast in myself, or want you to feel sorry for me...I have always felt lead by Him to share my story to show someone else out there that there is hope, there is always hope in Jesus.

More another time....

Roaring Like a Lion

That song "God's not Dead" has really just resonated in my spirit for a couple of weeks now. It could be because I blast it in my car every morning, but I really think it's because I am supposed to meditate on it for a while and then share it. I dropped a little bit of it on facebook the other day, but I just don't think I am done with it yet. So here it goes....

The line of that song is "God's not dead, He's surely alive. He's living on the inside roaring like a lion." At first I was like, yeah, that means I am big and powerful and strong. And I can conquer anything because I have a lion inside of me. But that's not all it is.  I started thinking about the circus, and those lions in the cage.  Even though they are trained and well behaved, you can see the roaring beast every now and then. For a moment they decide I don't want to listen to that trainer, I can do whatever I want, I am a lion for goodness sake. So they snap at the whip with their ferocious jaws, or swat at the trainer with their humongous paws, or go the opposite way that they asked. At the end of the day, no matter how tame or trained they are, they are still a caged lion. Just itching to get out, and do what they are supposed to do, what they were created to do.

That's what in going on inside of me. God's spirit is LIVING in there, as a caged lion, waiting to get out, waiting to do what I was created to do. But here's the extra part of the story....God is also a gentleman, He is not going to force his will on me or my life. I have to CHOOSE to do something.  Did you hear that? I have a CHOICE to make. I have to DECIDE that my life has purpose and meaning. I have to BELIEVE that He has made me to do His work. I have to AGREE with Him that I have a job to do for the kingdom. I have to CHOOSE to let that lion inside of my out of it's cage, because they world needs something that it has, and the only way the world will ever see it is if I choose to open my mouth and let Him out!