The next layer I want to talk about was one of the hardest to deal with, and honestly starting to think about how to write this today stirred up some old/new issues, but I will talk about that at the end of this post. Anyways, the next step of forgiveness was to forgive the one who hurt me, the one who took advantage of me, the one who mistreated me and did unspeakable things. Understand this, it wasn't just a one time occurrence, it was years of walking on egg shells, verbal abuse beyond your imagination, holes punched in walls, chairs slammed so hard into the floor that they shattered into bits, screaming at me, grabbing my arm until there was a bruise. Once my eyes were finally opened to how I didn't have to live that way, I didn't see how I could forgive him. How could I let that go? How could I pretend like it never happened? I couldn't see me ever getting over it.
My pastor at the time said something to me that began to sink in. He said my forgiving John was for ME not for him. I had to get past it for my well being, to be able to move on, instead of holding onto that anger and letting it eat me up inside. He reminded me that I could forgive him, but that didn't mean that I had to trust him again.
For a long time after that final day, many people asked me why I wouldn't take him back. They asked didn't I think that God could change John. They wanted to know couldn't I just forgive him and let it go. That was the most unbelievable thing I had ever heard. People told me that I wasn't being a christian, that I wasn't doing the christian thing. That I was supposed to forgive him, and keep my marriage vows. You wouldn't believe the hurtful, thoughtless things that people said to me, from friends, to family, to church members, to counselors. He broke the covenant of our marriage the minute he decided to raise his hand to me. I was lucky that the Holy Spirit gave me the ability to just cut off my feelings for John the night that I decided to call the police. All the lawyers and police officers that I talked to warned me about feeling sorry for him, letting him back into my life, and then giving him the chance to finish the job that he started. I wasn't going to be "that girl". I refused to allow that to happen.
I was able to forgive him, but there was still a lot of fear in me of what he was still capable of. We hid out of town for almost 2 weeks. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't even go to work. I remember the day when the police department called and said that they had released him from jail. I didn't know what to expect. I was also terrified of the first court date we had after he went to jail. What I completely expected to happen was he would show up with a huge gun, shoot up the entire courtroom, and kill me in the process. Or he would come leaping at me across the table, grab me by the throat so hard that no one could pry his hands off. The things I had seen in those awful law TV shows, seemed like what was going on in my real life. I didn't see a way that I could ever let me guard down again. In the back of my mind, I knew I always had to be on my toes and be ready for anything, I just knew that he was determined to kill me.
It has taken a few years, but the fear has subsided. I don't worry that he will show up at school and swipe the girls and run. I don't worry that he will wait at walmart until he see us, and sniper shoot me from across the parking lot. I don't worry that there will be knock at the door, and there he will be after years of not hearing from him, pushing his way into the house. For the first month, I was constantly looking over my shoulder, waiting for him to be there, coming after me, as a revenge for telling on him and especially for taking the girls away from him. For so many years, he held me under his thumb, and had me deathly afraid of what he was capable of. That was a hard habit to break.
I know now that all these fears are irrational, but I couldn't help it. My life was ruled by fear and it's hard to shake that feeling. In fact even today it bubbled back up as I was talking to Dean (my new God given wonderfully amazing loving husband. more on the happy ending to this story later.) about what I was planning to write today. I remembered a scenario that I had in my head years ago. Deep down it still scares me today. I believed that years from now, when we had all gotten past all the hurt, were getting along, and everyone was ok. That we could interact without issue, and seemed like life was good. I thought that we would all be at an event, like Abigail's high school graduation, and his thirst for revenge would resurface. I wouldn't expect it, and he would choose then to finally kill me. This idea got a hold of my heart today, and even caused me to cry. It stirred up a fear that I hadn't felt in a long time. Dean had to talk me down, soothe my spirit, remind me of a few important facts. (And I couldn't love him more that I do today!)
Kicking the fear is an ongoing process, it's a lot easier to hold on to than it is to let go of. In fact, that leads me to go back to what I was saying at the beginning of this post about old issues coming back up. I believe with everything in me that I am SUPPOSED to write this blog for a reason, for a purpose, to be an encouragement to women. BUT, bringing this up every day is waking up old demons. I have been having nightmares ever since I started writing this blog. The devil is trying to get me off my track, to distract me from my purpose in HIM. The devil is trying to use my past hurts and fears to pull me back into that darkness. But I am not going to allow that to happen. In fact I refuse to take any steps backwards. I am going to make a few declarations here with you from His word. Things that I will probably have to repeat over and over to myself as I tell the rest of my story. But I also ask you as my friends, please say a little prayer for me. A prayer of protection, a prayer of encouragement, a prayer of focus. I love each of you, and appreciate your support as I give my testimony of hope.
Romans 8:31b "If God is for us, who can be against us?"
1 John 4:4 " You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world."
John 15:16 " You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit - fruit that will last - and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you."
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