Caught in fear....

At this point in my story, there were a lot of things I was still afraid of. Understand, I was doing ok, things had settled down. Me and the girls had finally found a daily routine that worked for us. I had found a new job, that worked better for us as far as time went. But fear still had a grip on my heart.

I had a great new job...but I was afraid of the change. Could I make enough money? Could I be successful? Would people like me? Would I like it? 

The girls and I were doing well. They were doing their best to get along so mommy didn't fall off the edge. But was I doing enough? Could we keep it up? What if things got harder? What if I couldn't handle it? 

I was even physically scared too. When John was about to get out of jail, I talked to 2 of the sheriffs who had processed him in. They said he was a typical abuser, would only talk to the male sheriff, ignored the female. Very confident, didn't act like he did anything wrong, didn't understand why he was even there. They tried to give me some advice about what to do going forward.  I told them I was very fearful because he had been a marine, and was a good marksman. I didn't know if I should get a gun for the house just in case. I told them that I knew there were 2 shotguns in our house, but that I didn't think I could handle those. The sheriff stopped me in the conversation, he said "did you say 2 guns?" I confirmed that was what I had said. He said that I needed to go home and tear my house upside down, because when he had processed John, he happened to mention that there were 3 guns in the home. I freaked out!!!! There was a gun in my house, with my children, that I had no idea what kind or where it was. My worry got bigger in that moment...if that was hidden, what else was there? I absolutely tore my house upside down. After an all day search, I found the third gun. It was it 5 pieces, and each piece was hidden in a different place in the house. What kind of person does that?? What else had he done? What would he do to me if he had the chance? So I took the 3 guns back to the sheriff's department for safe keeping. And I asked him, what do I do? He suggested a place to go to get a tazer. He explained that if he was that good of a marksman, he would have a gun out of my hand before I could ever think of pulling the trigger. So he sent me to the little old lady's stand at a local flea market to buy a tazer. Who knew I could not only get one, but it could be in my choice of colors. LOL!  I decided on a black one though, but it made the biggest loudest crackling noise I had ever heard. It just sounded intimidating! The lady even told me "honey, don't get it to close to his heart, you might kill em!"  For months, I carried it in my purse everywhere I went. There was one evening I came home after dark with the girls (which I didn't like doing), as we got out of the car, I heard this big noise. I panicked. I have never pulled anything out of my purse so fast! Tazer in hand and my heart was pounding as I rushed the girls into the house. I was simply still afraid.

Here's the thing...God does not give me a spirit of fear, but of power, and love and a sound mind.  But I kept forgetting that. I kept losing my focus on that promise. I let the devil continually remind me of my past, he kept me looking back instead of looking ahead. I needed someone in my life to remind me of these things. 

But I was so afraid of picking the wrong man again. In fact, check out this excerpt from a previous blog dated June 26, 2012....

"I'm trying to figure out (once again!) who I am, what am I doing, and where am I going.  I hate feeling lost. But I do so badly right now.   My heart is just breaking. Why do I consistently choose the wrong men? Am I doomed to awful relationships? Why can't I seem to find the right one? I don't want to be alone. I want the whole package.  I want a man who loves God, cherishes me, and adores my babies.  I want the fairy tale.  Seen any princes on white horses lately?  I know that is not realistic...but after a 12 year horrible marriage, I think I deserve better.  Is it even possible? Is he out there?  I honestly am scared to death of being alone. I don't like it at all. I was made to be a caregiver, I believe that. I am built to love someone.  I absolutely adore being with someone. But who? I know you are all saying, "relax Libby, God has big plans for you, bigger and better things, just be patient"....well let me just say this, I SUCK at being patient."

Who know within a month, I would be the happiest girl on the planet!!! Because everything I asked for in that paragraph above...God gave me in Dean Allen. More to come on OUR story tomorrow.