Once all the world got quiet, there was a wonderful family (who loved me) who finally suggested something that could help me find me. Get ready here comes the shameless plug....
Cleansing Stream Ministries was the best thing I could have done right after the abuse situation. It helped me to slow down, focus, realize who I was in HIM, and also break a lot of chains that I was carrying unnecessarily. If nothing else, I had reading and homework every day, it caused me to take time with HIM and to see myself more through HIS eyes rather than an ex husband's eyes, or the world's eyes, or even my own eyes. It taught me how to allow HIM to wash over me and give me peace. It taught me how to battle the darkness that was chasing me. It taught me how to cast out the leftover evil spirits that were in my house. It showed me that I was not alone, that everyone was hurting in their own way. Honestly, it's about time for me to go through the series again as the Libby I am now, to let God heal me even further. If your church does not offer Cleansing Streams, find one that does so you can be a part. It's worth the work, I promise. Now know, you only get out of it what you are willing to put into it. But if you take ONE step towards Him, He willing come running at you with open arms!!
Jerimiah 29:11 (NIV) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."
I'm not going to try to say this was the end of my healing, it wasn't. I was still sort of confused and unsure of what I was supposed to do with my life. I felt like a lot of my burden had been lifted, I felt lighter....but I was still sort of lost. I didn't know what direction to head in. I knew not to go back, or look back...but which way forward? I knew that I could stand on my own 2 feet, I was strong, I was independent, I was woman hear my roar. I was trying to prove myself....to the world and to myself. I had to be SUPER LIBBY!
I could work full time, be a creative mom, take care of a house, cook dinner every night, climb on top of the house and clean out my own gutters, take care of my car, pay the bills, get us all to church on time. I was handling it....by saying that I didn't need a man at all. And that wasn't right either. It was right for that moment....but still not quite right.
At first I kept myself busy so I didn't really think about it...then at night it would get quiet, and I would get lonely. I hated how quiet the house got after the girls went to bed. I couldn't deal with it. My mind would play tricks on me and I would hear things. I didn't like laying down at night, because then it all became real again. When I was running around like a chicken with my head off all day to get things done, I didn't have time to think about it. But lying in bed alone...there was no denying it. I missed the little things...a shoulder to lay on at night, a man to jump up and go check on things if I heard a noise at night, as simple as a hug (even if it wasn't a heartfelt hug, it was at least human contact.
I think the day that threw me into a tail spin the worst around the loneliness, was the day after Christmas the first year. I had tried to make it a nice Christmas for the girls, so they didn't feel like anything was missing. But I was definitely broke financially and spiritually after. Well on my way to work on the day after, right in the middle of downtown, my van just stopped and wouldn't start again. I had no idea what to do. I just started crying. I had no one in the car to help me move it. I had no one to call to come to my rescue. I was totally alone. After a moment, a wonderful cop came up to my window and asked if I was ok. Through the tears I said, my car won't start again. He pushed me into the closest parking lot, and asked if I had someone to call. Of course that set off the tears again. I did though, I called my dad. But that's not the same. I appreciated his help, but it was not the one I wanted to call. Please understand, I in no way wanted the ex back, I wanted my knight in shining armor, my hero to save me. But I didn't have one......then.
Love the cliff hanger, "....then."
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