This is an attempt to write out my testimony. I can take my time, I can say everything because tears won't get it my way (well they might, but at least people aren't starring at me waiting for me to stop crying like a baby), and I can get it all out on paper. Today God hit me with the idea that He had to heal me in layers, and it finally made sense. He couldn't try to fix everything in one big swoop, because I wouldn't be able to handle it all. He had to come after my heart healing in layers, a little at a time, to let the scars heal slowly, so that as one spot was healed and not sore to the touch, He could move over to the next spot. It had to happen over time, in sections. Plus that way, I notice each and every little soft touch from my Daddy as he heals my heart. And I can stand back and say, look at what He did.
The changing point in my life for me was not when I first found God, or I first fell in love, or college, or any of those normal things....my life changed when I was completely broken. I thought I had been hurt before, but I had no idea what the word broken meant until March of 2011. I was at my lowest point ever. In my mind I had no where to turn, had no idea what to do next, I was a shattered mess. The pain and misery I had lived with all those years in an abusive marriage was nothing compared to this. That misery was my normal, I knew how to handle that, I know how to live in it, it was my every day. But the day that I finalized realized how wrong that was, everything changed. I was a blubbering mess. A blob on the floor. A mass of confusion. I didn't know what was up and what was down. So many things that I thought I knew and understood were blown to bits. I thought God was in control, and was going to fix this situation with my ex. I just knew that things would change. And when it all blew to smitherines, I didn't know what to think. I was angry. I was angry at myself for sticking with it so long. I was angry at my ex for treating me that way. And most of all I was beyond angry at God for allowing that horrible thing to happen to me. How could someone who claimed to love me, sit back and just watch a man almost kill me, put bruises across my face and around my neck. How could God not have stopped that? I was more lost than I had ever been and I didn't know if it could ever feel better. I was so confused, so off balance, turned completely upside down.
Here was the problem though....I couldn't just curl up in a ball and give up, I had 3 beautiful girls depending on me. Everything in me wanted to just lie on the floor and not move at all. Slip off into some altered state, and not think about anything. But I didn't have that option, I had to be strong for them. I didn't have time to sulk really. So I had to push down sooooo many of those feelings and not take the time to truly heal any of those wounds. I had to be the mom. I had to let it go and move on. But every step I faced reminded me that I was alone. Every thing I had to handle moving forward just proved that it would never be the same. I never felt so isolated, no one could understand. Everyone tried, they said why didn't we know, and we love you, and we are here for you, and we feel for you, and we'd pray for you ...but they really couldn't get it. The worst was people would say oh we understand...and that just made me angrier. Why me? Why me God? Wasn't it hard enough already? Wasn't I already struggling enough? Why did you let this happen to me? Why did it have to get worse?
I ran from God for a while, I'm not going to lie. I was disappointed in Him. I truly thought that He had forgotten me. That He had left me to the hands of that horrible man. It wasn't that I didn't believe, but I just felt like He was busy helping someone else and dropped the ball with me. And that was extremely hard to get past. So many men in my life had already let me down....why would I think that God would be any different.
Here's the amazing part, again God is a gentleman. He never forced me to listen to Him. He just patiently waited until I could clear the fog from my eyes and look into His face again. He stayed with me, and just waited until I was ready. He knew all along that I would figure it out, without Him having to scream it at me, or smack me up side the head. He just waited patiently.
Sorry....that's about all I can handle tonight. This will be an ongoing story until I can get the whole thing out on paper. Understand, a lot of these pieces of the story I am still putting together, because now I can stand back and see it all from a distance. I couldn't do that while I was in the middle of it. God is still healing me in layers. Do I think He is done yet....no. But it's getting close. Know that I don't share this story to boast in myself, or want you to feel sorry for me...I have always felt lead by Him to share my story to show someone else out there that there is hope, there is always hope in Jesus.
More another time....
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