The next layer...

I can't seem to get this next blog started, because this is the area of healing that I regret took so long. I will say that being able to stand back now and see the entire story from a distance, I know that there are no coincidences with God, and everything happens in HIS timing with my best interest at heart. But then, I just couldn't see that at all.

Another time in sharing my testimony that I need to stop and tell some back story.  When I was still married to John, I made a decision that I was not going to give up until Jesus changed his heart. I prayed and fasted. I read books about being a praying wife, and got up at 5am daily to read the Word. I did the Love Dare on my own for him, getting no response in return.  I fasted for 40 days believing that things would change. I journaled, I sang praises, I looked the other way when he was mean to me. I spent so many hours on my knees at the church sobbing for my marriage and John's heart. I was so sure that this would work. I was doing everything I knew how to do, and I knew that God would reward that passion.  I even felt in my spirit that God had told me that I would see John at church with me one day. I spent an entire year focused completely on this one single prayer. I believed with everything in me that if God could just touch his heart ONCE, our entire family life would change forever.

So, when John hit me, that promise was the first thing that came to my mind. I was screaming at God, saying what happened? or why us? or but you said? I trusted God to make this happen, I was even willing to wait, I was trying to be patient and tarry. I was totally heartbroken that it didn't happen the way I expected. I was angry. I'm not going to mince words, I was overcome with anger. But here's the thing, my typical response to my anger is to clam up and cry. Even now, when I am upset I hold in it, not tell anyone, and it just festers inside me. So that's exactly what I did....I was determined to not talk to God, to ignore what He had to say to me, and basically pout like a toddler.

Even to the point that I HEARD God say to me....Libby, I told you that YOUR HUSBAND would be in church with you, I never said John would be by your side at church.  I was at such a low place in my life, I couldn't imagine EVER being married again, so I took that word from the Lord as untrue.  I couldn't look past the pain and hold on to the true promise that God was giving me for my future.  (Jump to the end of the story for those of you who don't know me... that is exactly what happened! I meet my God given helpmate AT church! And within 6 weeks of our first date, we were married! But more on my happy ending later.)

I had worked so hard for years to be sensitive to His Spirit and His voice....and it all went down the tubes because I was hard headed.  But here's the thing that I will say once again....God is a gentleman, he is a enamored suitor who is willing to wait for His bride, no matter how long it takes her to see. He didn't give up on me, He didn't run the other direction, He didn't desert me, He patiently waited. All the while, no matter how many times I said no, He STILL watched over me, showed me His favor, and protected me.

2 Peter 3:9(The Message) says "God isn't late with his promise as some measure lateness. He is restraining himself on account of you, holding back the End because he doesn't want anyone lost. He's giving everyone space and time to change."

So at this point in my story, I was angry and not listening....as My loving Father waited patiently for me to wake up!