Like I had said before, it's really easy to stand back now and see how it all fit together, but then I just couldn't figure it out. As with my personality, that frustrated me....alot!
There were multiple times I was just going to leave that church. I wasn't happy there, too many bad memories. Everywhere I looked was a place I had been on my face crying and begging the Lord to fix things. Lots of people didn't understand what I was going through, and it was hard to connect with anybody because of that. No matter how many times that I was just about to walk away...I never felt the release from the Holy Spirit to actually leave. It just wasn't time yet.
Right about this same time there were 2 guys who really seemed like good possibilities. They were both very different from me, but both had their good points. Right before I was to leave for training, one said he felt like we should wait until I got back to date or anything. But then he just never seemed to reappeared. The second one was actually supposed to come visit me in Hickory, he didn't live far from there. But one day, he just vanished, no calls, no emailed, no texts. I was really started to think something was wrong with me...every time I thought a guy would be a good match, and we were getting along....POOF! He would just fall off the face of the earth, never to be heard from again. It just wasn't time yet.
But, I couldn't understand that then, I just felt like there was something wrong with me. My fear of loneliness was getting in the way of my hearing from God.
That last week that I went to Hickory...I was done. I wasn't planning to talk with any guys. I wasn't getting on any dating websites. I wasn't going to go out with the people from my class at night. (I had already been there 2 weeks, and I had just had enough.) My plan was to get take out at night and just relax in the quiet of the hotel room. Little did I know that God had a different plan. Dean and I started chatting on facebook more, then it turned to texting, then it moved to talking. We talked so much those few days, more than I had ever really talked to anyone. And about all kinds of subjects...from kids, to church, to past history, to our hopes and dreams, to politics, to our work, just really everything. I just really got to know him without any of the awkwardness of a date getting in the way. We had decided that he would come to Hickory on Thursday night and we would go out to dinner and a movie there. But I couldn't wait (imagine that, I was impatient honey!)...I knew his son Kaden had to work on Wed, so he couldn't come all the way to Hickory. So I asked him to meet me half way in Marion at a Fatz Cafe. We talked on the phone all the way to the restaurant to meet each other. Already, we really just couldn't get enough of each other's company (and that's still true today, but more to come on that later) When we finally each got to Marion, I barely remember anything about the dinner itself, other than the fact that I really enjoyed just being with him. We talked, and laughed, and just had fun together. He says he was super nervous around me, I didn't notice it except that I think he drank about 6 or 7 glasses of diet coke and went to the little boy's room just about as many times. I didn't want the night to end. I hated for it to get late, but I knew he had to go soon to be able to pick up Kaden at work. He was very much a gentleman all evening, he paid of course, he held doors for me, offered to let me go first, walked me to my car, even asked if he could kiss me goodnight. He was a type of man that I had never met before. I honestly did know what to think or how to act, I was sort of in shock. Could this be real? Could he be this nice? Did I really like him that much already?
I got into my car in a fog...a fog of happiness. A place I had never really been before. And I wanted more. Within a couple of minutes of getting in the car, I called him. We talked as we drove in opposite directions. In fact, we talked WAY into the night this night in particular. I just didn't want to say goodbye. I was afraid if I said goodbye, it might end, I might wake up from the dream. I had honestly never been treated like that before, like a lady, like a treasure. I didn't know what to do with it. We both seemed shocked by how well we got along and fit together.
Understand, I had been talking AT God for quite a well, not really talking WITH God. I was letting my frustrations block my ability to truly hear from God, and the worst part was I knew it. But I was in a funk. That night I remember staring into the bathroom mirror at the Fairfield Inn in Hickory NC saying to God...."God, if it's truly him, please tell him. I know he hears from You, I know he listens to You. Please tell him. Please tell him. If this is as right as I feel like it is Lord, please tell him." I begged God over and over that evening to please just tell him.
How could I deserve another chance?
Could happiness really be mine?
Was God really listening to my cries?
Did God really care?
"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love." Romans 8:38
Sometimes we all just need a little reminder.
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