Who am I?

For so many years I was told I was useless. I was told I was a horrible wife, a selfish mother, a nag, just not worth a thing. I was told no one would ever love me really. Nothing I ever did was right or good enough. I literally walked on eggshells every day to avoid a confrontation. So when all of those whispers, all of those fights, all of the yelling...when it was all gone, I didn't know who I was anymore. I was completely confused. For a LONG time, I wore a bunch of different masks, no one ever saw the real Libby. I had learned to hide behind a mask every where I went.

I had a mask for at home....a timid woman, who tried to keep quiet to avoid frustrations. I didn't talk much about God, or religion, or the Holy Ghost, or anything church related because I knew without a doubt that would start World War 3! I did as much as possible to take his anger, so that I could shield the girls from it. I knew this wasn't who I was. I had no control over anything, I couldn't even be the mom I wanted to be. But I didn't think I could be any different at home.

I had a mask for at work...this was the one place I could be large and in charge! And I was! Everything was in its perfect place. I had plans. I had goals. And I never failed. I was a big bad selling machine. I was respected. I was trusted. I was a beast. I liked being the best. And I didn't accept any less ever. I was intense and loved it.  But here's the thing....I couldn't be that intense every minute of the day, I would have exploded! But I couldn't see how to be any different at work.

I had a mask for at church....I was all in at church. I was a worshiper, I could be free there. Or at least I thought I was free. I didn't have to worry, or stress, or be afraid there. In fact, I spent most of the time there on my face, or on my knees, crying out to God to change things.  But, I also learned to hide a lot at church even from "friends". I never told all the details. I never told how bad it really was. I would never admit to anyone, not even myself, that he wasn't only not willing to come to church, he was a true non believer, almost to the point of being an atheist. That scared me more than I let on. I would sit behind couples at church, with the husband's around lovingly around his wife...and I would just weep. I loved being at church, but it also hurt to be there every week. If it hadn't been for church and God though, there would have been lots of times that I would have just given up. But it still wasn't the truth, but I didn't know how to be any different at church.

I even had a mask for my family and friends to see...they might have known things weren't perfect, that I wanted more, but they really had no clue what it was really like. I told them there was hope, that change was close.  I never let them in. I was very guarded.  I even defended John to everyone. I wouldn't let anyone speak ill of him, no matter how horrible he was to me. I played the dotting wife, even though it wasn't real. But I couldn't tell my family and friends that I was allowing that to happen to me every day. I was ashamed, so I couldn't imagine it being any different with them either.

So when it got quiet....in my house, in my ear, in my mind, in my spirit, and in my heart...I had to figure out who I was down deep. I had to decide where I could find that definition. Was I all of these women? Was I one of these women? Was I none of these women? I wasn't sure, but it was time to start finding out.

"You realize, don’t you, that you are the temple of God, and God himself is present in you? No one will get by with vandalizing God’s temple, you can be sure of that. God’s temple is sacred—and you, remember, are the temple." 1 Corinthians 3:16-17 (The Message)

"This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!" 2 Corinthians 5:17 (NLT)

"The Lord will hold you in his hand for all to see—a splendid crown in the hand of God. Never again will you be called “The Forsaken City”  or “The Desolate Land.” Your new name will be “The City of God’s Delight”  and “The Bride of God,” for the Lord delights in you and will claim you as his bride." 
Isaiah 62:3-5 (NLT)

"But you are not like that, for you are a chosen people. You are royal priests, a holy nation, God’s very own possession. As a result, you can show others the goodness of God, for he called you out of the darkness into his wonderful light." 1 Peter 2:9 (NLT)