As I mentioned last night, this layer took a while. No matter how many times God tried to reach out and remind me of His love for me, I still wasn't listening. I was so beyond hard headed. I was determined I didn't need anyone. My biological dad had never really been there for me. My husband hated me so much he tried to kill me. And as far as I thought, God had deserted me and allowed it all to happen. I couldn't see past those simple facts. So at this point, I decided I could do it all on my own.
And unfortunately that attitude carried over into a LOT of areas of my life. I wasn't going to let anyone tell me how to do anything. I wasn't listening to anyone who had a new way for me to try something. I was going to figure it all out on my own, in my mind no one could understand. Here are a few examples of why I decided not to listen....
Example #1...I went to a local domestic abuse crisis center within a week of everything happening. They were recommended by a female sheriff who I had spoken to. Claimed to be very helpful, very compassionate, a good resource for "woman like me". (The first problem in this part of the story, is the "women like me" part. You are looked down on as a lower part of society, because now I was a VICTIM! Anyways, I will leave that alone, that wasn't my point here.) I went into this secret society that was supposed to be able to help me start to heal. I had an appointment with a "counselor" and I use that word loosely. She was the first person who I truly told the entire story to. I thought she would get it. I laid out all my fears before her, told her how I feared for my life and my children's lives. I cried for a solid hour in her office. She barely made a peep. When she finally did say something, it was to tell me that my situation was not grave enough for them to get involved. WHAT???? To me it was the end of the world. I was now feeling even lower than before. According to her, my husband didn't get close enough to killing me for her to be concerned.
Example #2....no one at work knew what to even say to me. And if they did look at me sideways, I started to cry, which made it even worse. At first they all tried to be concerned, and helpful. But in the end, they had to go on with their lives. Which I understood....but I was just stuck in my moment, unable to move forward. I was now "poor pitiful Libby".
Example #3....the place you would think I would get the most comfort, church was the worst. Most people didn't even speak to me. They really avoided me like I had the plague. I had asked a couple to help me with some errands around town, because at that time I didn't know where John was and was very afraid he would show up at any moment. I was told by the husband that they couldn't help me because he was worried if John saw me with another man that might upset him more and send him into a rage. So I was left on my own once again. I was told by a woman in the church that I just needed to forget about being with anyone any time soon, as long as I had kids, there was just no reason to expect to be happy again.
Example #4... I finally decided (at the suggestion of my pastor at the time) to go see a christian counselor at a local church (I won't name any names). In the very first session, she told me it wasn't biblical for me to want to divorce him. She said as a good christian wife, I was supposed to wait until he came around and understood the error of his ways. I was to remain married to him, even if it meant I was never with him again for the rest of my life.
I had been alone in my marriage for a long time....but at this point, I truly felt more alone than I ever had in my life. So I thought this was my battle to fight.
I will say again, God tried over and over to reach out and touch my heart. But I wasn't ready to receive yet. I wasn't able to get past myself long enough to listen.
Isaiah 30:18 says "Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion."
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